Posted on 11/16/2012 4:53:41 AM PST by Lucky9teen
A guy sitting in a bar is really looking nervous. Every time the door opens he jumps. Every time there is a noise he cringes.
The bartender after watching this for an hour finally goes over and asks, “What’s the matter with you?”
“Well I received a letter today that said if I didn’t stop fooling around with his wife he was gonna shoot me.”
For heaven’s sake, Why don’t you just stop fooling around with his wife?”
Came the reply, “I would but he didn’t sign his name!!”
My kids found it (wife previewed it for them).
Here's another one (not kid friendly), Some Study That I Used to Know:
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’ Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
bump for later!
According to my sources, the real reason Hostess moved to shutter its factories today is they are too embarrassed by the twinkie in the White House to go on.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
It’s sad about the Hostess bakeries...
When I was a kid in Seattle, there was a baker who worked at Hostess and was known all around town for his quality. His name was Milton Walker. He was one of those old school craftsmen who just “knew” how to bake
Milt would put loaves of bread in the oven and then go for a little walk down the street to the harbor and Pier 16. By the time he got back to the bakery, the bread was perfectly baked. If he went to Pier 17, the bread was over done. Likewise, a shorter walk to Pier 15 meant under baked loaves.
For this, he was known town wide. One of those things from a more simple time that was important to a city’s character. When he retired, a huge celebration was held for Milt. In fact, the City placed a plaque down at Pier 16, commemorating the fact that it was the Pier that made Milt Walker famous......
the worst thing about Hostess shutting down is I won’t be able to make this anymore
The Infamous Twinkie Lasagna
1 Box Twinkies
1 Package cream cheese
1 Pint Sour cream
1 Pint Ricotta cheese
1 Cup sugar
¼ teaspoon vanilla
1/8 Teaspoon Orange Liqueur
1 Cadbury’s chocolate bar w/almonds
Slice twinkies lengthwise and arrange the slices in a single layer in a medium baking dish. (at least 2” deep) combine all ingredients but the chocolate in a mixing bowl and pour enough over the twinkies to cover them. Shave the chocolate and sprinkle between layers. Continue to build the layers until the dish is full. Freeze over night and let thaw for at least 2 hours before serving
My name is Silentgypsy and I approved this message.
That’s funny, I feel that way about Wil Wheaton.
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