Posted on 12/30/2011 6:42:49 AM PST by BenLurkin
My New Years resolution has been the same for many years :
Keep breathing
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
“But” said the Scotsman. “I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there’s a little bar called McTavish’s. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the5th drink for you.”
“Well.” said the Englishman “At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2.”
“Ahhh that’s nothin’” said the Irishman “Back home in Dublin there’s Ryan’s Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you’ve had enough drink they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman’s claims.
He swears every word is true.
“Well” said the Englishman “Did this actually happen to you?”
“Not myself personally no” said the Irishman, “But it did happen to my sister.”
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father...”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
She says, “He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...’”
A Chinese couple gets married, and she’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: “My daring,” he says, “I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Watchou wan?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, “I wan...numba 69.” More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries, “You wan...beef with brocceri?”
FR GUMS UP ON SUNDAY JANUARY1,2012
(I can feel the pipes backing up)
http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf
On-line tutorials....
Briefly stated I hate them. They're usually given by some foreign guy with a bad accent and worse acoustics. I prefer the silent ones where where rather than shoe-n-tell, it's just show. For example, take this one about how to peel a banana with your feet.
http://dotcomjoe.com/1229f2
I love that pic. LOL! I have had a year with many milestones making me feel old, so it fits my year. I stole if for facebook!
Ben you’ve done a fantastic job while Lucky has been gone. Congrats!
Thank you Ben for filling in for lucky, I think you’re doing a great job!
lucky, thanks for the consistent levity, it’s been needed more than ever the past couple of years.
Best wishes for a Happy and Prosperous New Year!
Here’s four of the best Auld Lang Syne videos on youtube!
Robert Taylor and Vivien Leigh in Waterloo Bridge (Farewell Waltz)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRfEKZUNl3A
Al Jolson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozgk5TVxtPw
John McDermott
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8vxYyDwuZo
Dougie MacLean (and all the beautiful lyrics)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acxnmaVTlZA
My exercise program:
Every morning when I wake up it’s left side first, up, down, up, down, up down, 10 times and then....................................................... I do my right eye lid the same way.
Just kidding!
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.