BigMack
Posted on 01/11/2005 6:18:33 PM PST by malakhi
DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased
I am not aware of malakhi spinning. I know you will spin and you know you will spin.
I am rarely engaged in spinning. I know when I am. Most of the time it is simply trying in vain, for the umpteenth time to explain something that has already been explained before. In the hope that a light will turn on in someone's mind. For instance, this nonsense about ands and ors I know we went through before. You retained nothing of what I said. Not a thing. And you still miss the commas and the idea of a subordinate, dependent clause. Yet, I go on, as someone out there may benefit from what I see as your attempt to "spin" the Church's words.
SD
13211 posted on 6/10/02 3:56 PM Central by SoothingDave
You've been a pretty good boy lately though. (You are still on my "watch" list). :-)
Not really. They are each playing their political games.
Kerry votes "no" now and, if she has a good term, no one will remember his vote. If we have a bad 4 years he will be able to say "I voted NO! when, and if, he runs for President.
Insightful.
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Why We Love Children
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1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You
know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't
move."
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2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes
later....."Da-ad...." " What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of
water?" "No, you had your chance before Lights out." Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minute
s later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me,
can you bring a drink of water?"
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3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
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4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with
a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The
mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long
silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
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5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the pastor le aned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is
it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the
pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
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6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
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7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two
plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a
bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is
how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he
answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What
are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Ri ght now, we
are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to
say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher
stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two,
THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
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8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".. and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the sky is
falling! '"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he
said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" Th e teacher was unable to teach
for the next 10 minutes.
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9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says
I'm not."
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10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can
find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
>
1. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father she stands
next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a
snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your
Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm going to get boobs too."
>
LMAO! Sorry, to butt in, but I had to comment.
My parents are in Florida for the winter. My dad is 62 and my mom is 61. This is their first full winter stay and they are officially becoming snowbirds.
LOL! :o)
No problem, it's an open forum. :o)
My parents are in Florida for the winter. My dad is 62 and my mom is 61. This is their first full winter stay and they are officially becoming snowbirds.
The caveat for the Seinfeld Law is that it only applies to those from the Northeast. Midwesterners have the option of Florida or Arizona.
My folks are from NY. The Seinfeld Law applies perfectly. :-)
So where to Californians go to retire? Bakersfield? Palm Springs?
Two answers:
1)Californians can't afford to retire. They spend their whole life barely earning enough to make the house payments.
2) In the case of those who owned their house since before the big run-up... "anywhere they want".
Heheheh... yeah, that sounds about right.
Palm Springs is a biggie. So is Rosarita and Ensenada, Mexico. It's gorgeous and dirt cheap, at least by US standards.
Hi Bella, how are you?
Wonderful! How about you? :-D
BigMack
I hope you're charging your residents top dollar. ;o)
Doin' good. Taking my lumps from these vultures in here. But other than that can't complain.
So that's where it went! I was looking all day for that!
Howdy RW, welcome to the Neverending Story. :o)
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