Hello, you have reached the office of the Baghdad Board of Radical Iraqi Shiite Clerics.
Our Radical Iraqi Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr is ready to answer any of your questions.
If you are Orthodox, press 6, 1, 3.
If you are Conservative, press 1 or 2.
If you are Reform, press any button you like.
If you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons.
If you are Radical, please wait a moment for Radical Iraqi Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr to answer. (Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Orthodox Cleric. The answer to your question is that it is absolutely forbidden by The Koran. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8. (Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Conservative Cleric. The answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer is acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all of us. We hope that this has been helpful. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8. (Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Reform Cleric. The answer to your question is: If you want to, sure! Why not? Who are we to say? However, if you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8. (Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Reconstructionist Cleric. The answer to your question presumes that there is an answer. We have not decided that issue yet. However, my role is to empower you to answer your own question. To answer your own question now, please hang up....if you are still there. (Click)
* * *
A little town in Iraq had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Baghdad for 2000 rubles but they could get a cow from Tikrit for only 1000 rubles. So they got the cow from Tikrit.
It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream and everybody loved this cow. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the Radical Iraqi Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. "Radical Iraqi Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"
The Radical Iraqi Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr thought a moment and said, "Ok, why did you buy this cow from Tikrit?"
"Radical Iraqi Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr," they said, "you are so wise. We never said we bought the cow from Tikrit. How did you know that?"
The Radical Iraqi Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr said, "My wife is from Tikrit."
* * *
Radical Iraqi Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr was walking, slowly, out of a Mosque in An Najaf when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. He was getting old, had been under intense pressure from US Forces, and wasn't able to fetch his hat. Across the street, a young gentile man saw what was happening, rushed over and grabbed the hat. He then returned it to Radical Iraqi Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr.
"I don't think I could have retrieved my hat by myself," said Radical Iraqi Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr. "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May Allah bless you."
The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by Radical Iraqi Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr, this must be my lucky day!" He decided then and there to go to the racetrack over in Al Hillah. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. He bet $50 and, sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his money on that horse. Fedora came in first, as well.
At the end of the day the man returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he caught Radical Iraqi Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr's hat, and how he was blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and bet on horses which were named after hats.
"So where's the money?" she said.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, 'chateau' is a house, 'chapeau' is a hat!" exclaimed his wife.
"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."
* * *
The Thoughts of Radical Iraqi Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr
If they give you--take; if they take from you--yell!
Charge nothing and you'll get a lot of customers.
Don't spit into the well--you might drink from it later.
Cancer--schmancer! -- as long as you're healthy.
Do not worry about tomorrow, because you do not even know what may happen to you today.
If one person tells you that you have ass's ears, take no notice; should two tell you so, procure a saddle for yourself.
You can't chew with somebody else's teeth.
If you spit upwards, you're bound to get it back in the face.
You can't dance at two weddings at the same time; nor can you sit on two horses with one behind.
Had you gotten up early, you wouldn't have needed to stay up late.
One who has the reputation of an early riser may safely lie in bed until noon.
When a fool is silent, he too is counted among the wise.
Silence is the fence around wisdom.
For dying, you always have time.
