Free Republic Smokers' Lounge

Puff List ^ | 3/19/04 | francisandbeans

[Just another Joe]

Good for Mr. Delabey and Mr. Avolt.
I hope they keep it up until the city departments are cutting each others allotments of money.

[Gabz]

The last one is priceless!!!

[Don W]

Here's one to print out and hand to your bank manager next time you have to go through the Inquisition for accidentally bouncing a cheque.



Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in
place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorised Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client

[Just another Joe]

Have you already started imbibing so early, Joe?

Early? I'm still working on the Baileys from Saint Pat's Day. lol

[international american]

Thanks, Joe

[Just another Joe]

A hole in Juan? Groooaaannn

The last one could be my daughter and me. lol

[Gabz]

I hope they keep it up until the city departments are cutting each others allotments of money.

I hope they keep it up until the city departments are cutting each others throats.

[Just another Joe]

Your kindly patronage of my lowly establishment is more than thanks enough.

You like that? I'm practicing for the China franchise I'll be opening.

[Don W]

Here's a smile for you.



OPERATION REQUEST !



A man visited the local clinic and filled out a form requesting an operation to make him sterile. Under the heading for Reason Requesting The Procedure, he wrote:

My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.

After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?

Then a doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.

Next a lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again.

Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.

When I asked the pharmacist about condoms, he was kind enough to demonstrate them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.

Our neighbour, a nurse suggested we try the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.

Then the sister-in-law told the wife about the Dutch cap and it seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.

Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and hell it worked cuz I couldn't get anywhere near her.

You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that just talking about sex is going to be any substitute for the real thing.

[Just another Joe]

I was going to say that but then thought of posting guidelines.

Besides, you know that hitting them in the pocketbook is worse than death.

[international american]

Joe's Bar And Chow Mein House ??

[international american]

ROTFLMAO!!

[Gabz]

I just copied that one to a word doc and printed it and left it on my husband's desk.

The bank has no longer decided to honor electronic fund deposits when they are presented - they now treat them the same as checks. his paycheck is electronically deposited on the 14th........the bank bounced a check presented on the 15th.... because of the new policy his paycheck is not good until the 16th unless he uses a debit card or it is an auto deduction............

[international american]

I bet Hillary had one of those posters in her college dorm:)

[Don W]

That beer went down WAY too fast. Can I get a pitcher of Alexander Keith's India Pale Ale please?

Here's another giggler as motivation:



An old Cajun was celebrating 92 years on this Earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello, dere toes!" he said, "how you are, toes? You know, you 92 today.

Oh, de times we've had! Remember when we walk along de bayou wit all dem pretty girls every Sunday afternoon? Them times we deaux-si-deauxed on de dance floor wit dem same womens? Oh yeah, ahh-heeee! Happy birthday, toes!"

"Hello dere, knees," he continued. "How you are, knees? You know you 92 today. Oh, de times we had, huh! Remember when we march in de crawfish parade? Oh boy, de hurdles we jumped together me and you. Happy birthday, knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello dere Pierre! You little booger you!! If you were alive today, you'd be 92.

[Gabz]

I don't think posting guidelines cover inanimate objects.....such as most city departments are!!!!!

[international american]

ROTF....You are on a roll today!!

[Argh]

No, this is more her style:

[Gabz]

Hubby is not going to be happy with you - he had planned on taking us out for lunch - you have just caused me to lose my appetite.

[international american]

Janet "the torch" Reno??