My son, on the other hand, was raised by me, a full-time single father from the time my son was 2 until he went off to college at 18. He missed school less than 5 days in his entire life, played varsity football and baseball, graduated 28th out of 530 in his HS class, was/is an Eagle Scout and was accepted and went to the University of Illinois in Champaign, IL a very, very good school. He was universally praised by others, (friends, relatives, coaches, scout leaders) as a “good kid” and I have always been very proud of him. Good Conservative loves Trump guy. It breaks my heart to see him and my grandkids in this situation. I don’t know what happened to him.
My son came back from college, all his friends had moved on or moved away and he was understandably lonely while getting readjusted to his new location. SWMBO was a friend of his cousin's wife (another SWMBO) and they were introduced. My read on it all was that she saw what a great prospect he was and got her hooks into him. My one area of fault while raising him was I did not date much while I was raising him and bring a lot of women into his life and did not train him in the ways of the female sex, especially the desperate to marry, staring down age 30, SWMBO types. My son’s mother was an awful alcoholic and is/has been no help to him in many areas of his life. I was mother and father to him. His mother is in no shape to be of any help in this situation even now.
I know my son was a grown man when he met her, but I am so sorry I wasn’t watching more closely at the time. I fear for the children and my son and their future. When I have visited with the grandkids SWMBO has to be there or my son. As if I am on probation and need supervision. I have NEVER been allowed to be alone with any of my grandchildren for more than a few minutes. There is NOTHING…NOTHING about me, or in my past, that necessitates this.
Recently (last July) in an enraged fit, she banned me from coming over or having any contact with the grandkids for my horrible act of ignoring her. How dare I ignore her! I always saw my grandkids at least once a month if not 2 or 3 times a month. Now it has been almost 4 months. Missed the first birthday in September out of the 27 birthdays the 3 grandkids have had. My birthday in August was completely ignored. SWMBO is using the children as a weapon and has taken them, for all intents and purposes, as hostages.
My grandchildren and I, (1 boy, 2 girls) have ALWAYS had a very close and wonderful relationship. They are/were the joy of my life. I love children anyway and when they came along, I was in heaven. I wonder at times if she was jealous of how well the children, and I get along and how much they love me. What she is doing is hurting everyone, the kids, me, and my son but he can’t seem to muster the guts to stand up to her. It’s like he has Stockholm Syndrome and sides with his terrorist captor. He may even be an abused husband, as the things I’ve seen in person are probably not even close to what happens when I’m not there.
I have tried…. over and over and over and over again …to make things right with her over the years. Invited her out for coffee so we could talk over and resolve our differences, bestowed very nice gifts on her and the children, made sure I treated her mother and her mother’s husband with respect, been as supportive as I can be in any area support was needed. Her mother sees the kids a lot more than I ever did/do btw. She misses all most all of my family’s large gatherings. The best compliment, acknowledgment, I have ever gotten out of SWMBO is: “I don’t DISLIKE you.”.
We are trying family counseling. My son and I have gone over the last month or so, but I don’t even know if SWMBO has seen the counselor. SWMBO and my son are masters of passive-aggressive (and sometimes just aggressive) manipulation. I don’t know where the counseling is going.
The laws in my state (AZ) only enforce grandparents’ rights is very narrow circumstances. If a couple have divorced or one parent has died, etc. I don’t fit into any of applicable categories.
I’ve thought of suing SWMBO for intentional infliction of emotional distress (which is horrific & extremely painful) and consulting a family law attorney to see what can be done. I see evidence of abusive anger and actions by SWMBO and high frustration in my son’s behavior. SWMBO’s mother is useless for any help and the fact she moved FURTHER away from SWMBO and her own grandkids may be telling.
I know I’ll get hit from all angles on this good and bad. I don’t care. Any suggestions, ideas, referrals to legal contacts are welcome.
I will walk through fire for my wonderful grandchildren and I will NEVER, EVER give up on them and their future, EVER!
The incredible replies you have received on this thread is why I’ve been a freeper for over 20 years. I don’t have enough information - like how close you live to them, if you’re retired or have the free time, etc. But I would go over there every day, ask her what I could do to help - clean house, bring goodies/groceries/gifts, take her shopping, run errands, kiss her grits, do whatever it takes to become her best friend. Start slow.
You are in my prayers.
You can sue in court for grandparents visitation.
Other than that, you cannot live his life for him - and he will have to learn his own lesson.
Thanks to all for your replies, suggestions, ideas. Each opinion was/is valuable. There are so many.
Thank you. Out of all the opinions a strategy can be formed. Please feel free to freepmail me with anything else you may have.
Your DIL is the product of her experiences growing up. As is your son. He seems to be doing for his children what you did for him. You stayed with him no matter what his mother did. I would not expect your DIL to change nor your son to leave his children. You will not win in a legal battle and matters can get much worse. It may be harsh, but IMO you should stay out of the situation and be available when your advice and help is asked for. It is her home and she can ruin your life if you push her too far. You have raised a fine son and can be proud of that. Have Peace.
perhaps if you can talk your son into bringing the kids to your place several times a month, avoid the mother as much as you can...
life is what it is....
my situation is my divorced son has a germaphobe for an ex, lovely person however, and she is adamant about vaxxes and masks....would allow my son to bring the kids over for Thanksgiving from across the state IF everybody in the house would wear a mask....well we have never worn masks getting together at home since this covid thing started and people just won't do it....secretly I think its his new girlfriend that is refusing much contact....she has two kids herself....
I always dreamed of lots of grandchildren and I have only two and can't even see them very much....:(
As a non-practicing man for a number of decades, this suggestion is from the heart and addresses your problem from a number of angles.
The suggestion is in the form of a question, as I see it as a solution to your problem on nearly every level.
What role does the church play in your life? Your son’s family’s?