Perhaps You should
Start Drinking.
Excellent points Sir.
"It’s not a matter of being pretentious or anything, but the monks trained me well: in high school English, with our trusted copies of Warriner’s Guide to English Grammar and Composition perpetually at hand, we were reminded that the first person is to be avoided at all costs. Write like the dispassionate observer, out of the action, unless you’re penning a film noir or a personal letter."
I was taught the same thing and I disagree.
I have found first-person accounts to be riveting and compelling.
Everyone has their own voice. Writing IS NOT a one-size-fits-all skill.
Your own account is a good example. How long did you NOT write this because you believed it violated some sacred tenet?
How much of your own personal experience has been lost to others because you followed someone elses' rule?
Get off Facebook.
Did the monks not tell you that there is no virtue in bargaining with the Devil?
L