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1 posted on 02/16/2013 3:35:41 PM PST by Absolutely Nobama
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To: Old Sarge; azishot; little jeremiah; dead; shibumi; MestaMachine; narses; erod; mnehring; ...

Short-story-with-a-point ping!

Hat tip to TheOldLady for her valuable proofreading and help!


2 posted on 02/16/2013 3:42:10 PM PST by Absolutely Nobama (The Doomsday Clock is at 11:59:00......tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.....)
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To: Absolutely Nobama

I like this ending better:

Jack, recognizing from his military training he was behind enemy lines, played the poor traumatized soldier for the principal and doctor, agreeing with everything they said. He left the school that day with orders to attend sensitivity training along with anger management counseling, which he did for the next several weeks.

Surprisingly, after the school’s ‘Winter Solstice’ break, neither the principal nor the school’s psychologist returned for work. They had both gone away on vacation and nobody ever heard from them again. Jack ran for local office and won several elections, which eventually led to a successful run for Congress. He was always known as a very calculating, intelligent person, and he was instrumental in overturning several years’ worth of poor legislation.

The End.


16 posted on 02/16/2013 4:25:41 PM PST by GreyHoundSailor
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To: Absolutely Nobama
Damn impressive


17 posted on 02/16/2013 4:26:42 PM PST by darkwing104 (Let's get dangerous)
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To: Absolutely Nobama
I decided. Way too wordy, too much needless conversation, and too long.

I suspect you made a good point, but couldn't read the thing. Brevity is the soul of wit; this runs some 2,260 words -- give or take.

The usual newspaper editorial is limited to 600-700 words.

Rewrite!

21 posted on 02/16/2013 4:32:37 PM PST by BfloGuy (Money, like chocolate on a hot oven, was melting in the pockets of the people.)
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To: Absolutely Nobama

Very well written and “readable”. And sadly could be a look into our not to distant future.


23 posted on 02/16/2013 4:36:04 PM PST by berdie
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To: Absolutely Nobama; navymom1; Pat4ever; RIghtwardHo; Reaganite Republican; ...
+

Freep-mail me to get on or off my pro-life and Catholic List:

Add me / Remove me

Please ping me to note-worthy Pro-Life or Catholic threads, or other threads of general interest.

27 posted on 02/16/2013 4:40:41 PM PST by narses
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To: Absolutely Nobama
Bttt.

5.56mm

29 posted on 02/16/2013 4:43:44 PM PST by M Kehoe
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To: Absolutely Nobama

Good psychological portrait of the characters in the coming American tragedy.

I wish the outcome were different for Jack and Tyler, but this is the true one. Nothing to add or subtract.


46 posted on 02/16/2013 5:29:36 PM PST by annalex (fear them not)
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To: Absolutely Nobama

Oh great, some quarterwit from DU will read this and get ideas.


47 posted on 02/16/2013 5:42:17 PM PST by mountn man (ATTITUDE- The Pleasure You Get From Life, Is Equal To The Attitude You Put Into It.)
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To: Absolutely Nobama

The story was going well until you called a “magazine” a “clip.” Oh well. I’ll bet it was interesting after that.


53 posted on 02/16/2013 6:08:55 PM PST by Cyber Liberty (Obama considers the Third World morally superior to the United States.)
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To: Absolutely Nobama

Perfect. Well done! More!

[If any debt-sucking sociopaths whine about your great work, ignore them. Don’t let hags or their pet SNAGs (sensitive New Age guys) weld your hook to the bottom, only because you presented characters resembling them. Works like yours are much needed. Drive on!]


61 posted on 02/16/2013 7:59:16 PM PST by familyop (We Baby Boomers are croaking in an avalanche of rotten politics smelled around the planet.)
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To: Absolutely Nobama

I’ve edited for several publications. Your story flows. It was very well written as a creative work.


64 posted on 02/16/2013 8:06:44 PM PST by familyop (We Baby Boomers are croaking in an avalanche of rotten politics smelled around the planet.)
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To: Absolutely Nobama

Well done, if depressing, but that’s inevitable without getting into fantasy land right now.


69 posted on 02/17/2013 1:24:07 AM PST by expat1000
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To: Absolutely Nobama

Welcome to the USSA, comrades!

Silence is indeed consent. RESIST LOUDLY!


70 posted on 02/17/2013 8:10:02 AM PST by Travis McGee (www.EnemiesForeignAndDomestic.com)
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To: Absolutely Nobama

BTW, I’m working a a story off and on similar to this but from the angle of Obongocare. As I read things like this, I do think SWAT teams should be banned. I used to like the 1970’s era SWAT TV show, but when the tune comes on the radio, I have to turn it off now.


73 posted on 02/17/2013 8:53:14 AM PST by Nowhere Man (Whitey, I miss you so much. Take care, pretty girl. (4-15-2001 - 10-12-2012))
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To: Absolutely Nobama

I can see your story happening... to me!
Nothing Jack did was wrong, oh wait! He went against the system thinking!

Our country is quickly becoming a society where “what our generation considers normal” to a society where up is down, left is right, and what “used to be normal” is now taboo.


77 posted on 02/17/2013 12:05:49 PM PST by Fully Awake DAV (Navy Vet when homosexuality was not tolerated)
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