My grandmother (not from Kenya) ran a little crossroads store and Post Office and in 1961, a letter from Barack Hussein Obama, Sr. in downtown Hawaii, somehow found its way into one of our mailbags. At the very same instant, our steam-driven thresher blew her safety valve into the little one-room store (just like Abe Lincoln's) and the letter was accidentally opened and it's contents scattered over most of Aroostook County. Naturally, Grandma couldn't resist reading it. (She has gone to her reward and is thus beyond Federal Prosecution.)
It was a Hallmark Birth Announcement (in Swahili, in which language and literature my Grandmother happened to major at Bowdoin, which she attended on a hockey Scholarship personally given to her by General Chamberlain) In it, the proud Papa announced (a) his marriage to someone named "Stanley," as best the old woman could make out, and (b) the birth of a "little Barry," not precisely in that order perhaps. Swahili can be a little shaky that way.
Well, Grandma could not find out how to handle this by proper Post Office procedure in the PO Manual personally handed to her by President Taft, so she called Aunt Polly, a fellow Postmistress, down in Hartford who took over, issuing the baby a Social Security number and making sure the little tyke got a Certification of Live Birth from Hawaii, which as I am sure you know, was seized by New England missionaries from Connecticut who knew what they were doing, paperwork-wise. That all done, the two old biddies forwarded the card to Aunt Zeituni and the gang over in Kenya. Had Grandma lived long enough and realized that Aunt Zeituni would be livin' on her dime in Boston Public Housing, she probably would have waited to deliver it in person to save our government the money.
Fellows, I hope this information, which I am prepared to offer in court in the unlikely event that the case ever gets there, is enough to assuage your unseemly doubts harbored about our man in DC! Just because the man does not surf and cannot play the ukulele does not mean he was not born in Hawaii, which, as any elected Republican can tell you, is good enough to to hold office as POTUS and tell the rest of us what to do.
CC:
Bar of the State of Illinois
Reinstatement Committee
Lawyers:
Donofrio,
Apuzzo,
Hemenway,
Kreep,
and Dr. Orly Taitz, Esq.
Lt. Col. Lakin
New York Times, Ap, Reuters, CNN,etc
PS
I can find missing letters for Messrs. Rubio and Jindal, too, notifying their parents that all were granted US citizenship in the early hour of the morning of the birth of both of these two outstanding candidates! Have Karl call me.
Actually is a lot more believable than the current myth.