Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable David Cameron, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
3. You will learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You will stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2015. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2012) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
Basil Fawlty representing Her Majesty's Government.
Uhh, yeah, we really want to go back to YOUR effed up form of government. Get off the crack. Stick thy wicket up thy ass. Seriously.
Besides you people have already lost your damn country - the most popular boy name over there is Mohammed, you’ve got whole entire muslim areas of cities operating under Sharia law, and for God sake you just pulled pigs out of a preschool farm playset because “the muzzies didn’t like it”.
You got bigger problems that we do, and there’s no effing way I’ll live under British/Sharia system of government for one frickin’ minute. I can’t even be ARMED to defend myself in your craptacular Big Brother experiment.
Someone obviously had time and a keyboard on their hands today.
I particularly liked the line about restoring proper english spelling.
new english is a bestial bastard child.
Our response will be the same as the last time, with a similar result, only much moreso.
If we let you take us over there wouldn’t be anyone left to save you wankers the next time the Germans take a little stroll down the Champs De Elysee.
Besides, what are you going to fight with? Since you spent all your money on socialism, you don’t even have a Navy left worth talking about. What are you going to do, walk?
One other thing: If you’re really going to make Charles King, any sane people would have to revolt again anyway.
This again? First time I read it, Monica was still in the news, and I am sure it was around in various forms long before that.
On, and one more thing before I retire: Y’all may have fantasies of regaining your old colonies, but we don’t even want your tired old island. If we did we could have taken it when we had enough troops and arms there to crush the Wehrmacht.
Basil Fawlty....(aka John Cleese—Fawlty Towers)....what a pompous curmudgeon you are!!! (I always loved your show.)
Of course, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt.
“You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.”
Yeah, right. How’d that work the last time you limeys tried to enforce that? BTW, we’re MUCH better armed now.
Also, if that ever happened, who would save your azzes the next time you had to fight a real war? Or don’t you Brits read history? If not, read up on who sent you the guns you used to fight the first bit of WWII.
And that wimp-azz game you call football vs the real sport that is football? Stop, you’re killing me.
What is this dripe about, anyway? Barely even amusing. Only slightly so because it highlights the arrogance I’ve dealt with in almost every business dealing with Brits. Oh, I’m sure there are some modest, productive, non-arrogant Brits. I’ve just never had the pleasure of working with them...
Oh, and Basil.....you can see that Americans have been “put off”, so to speak, by the IDIOT in the White House that the OTHER IDIOTS voted in.
We’re not in the best of moods......
LOL
That was funny.
I was okay with it till they mentioned football.
17. you will now accept sharia law as the law of the land, allow muslim women to frisk themselves at airports while you and your children are molested, increase muslim population to celegrate diversity and stand in line for healthcare.