I'm a 5'6", 160 pound middle-aged lady. A 12 is a bit much for a lot of shooting, although I can do it, it really beats my shoulder up when I'm shooting heavy loads in a T-shirt.
I shoot both 20 and 28 ga. and have no trouble with either one. My daughter, who is a little skinny 22 year old, used my 20 ga. to shoot her first Cowboy Action match and did very well. She did not complain about the recoil, it did bruise her a little because she did not tuck the butt well into her shoulder on the first couple of shots (she figured it out pretty quick though).
The problem with .410 is that you just can't put as much lead out there. Because fewer pellets will fit into a load, the pattern tends to be both small and thin. And it's a big drop from 28 down to .410 - for that reason it's generally considered an expert's gun for wingshooting or sporting clays.
If you simply can't tolerate 20 or even 28, you might be better off with a short barrel lever action rifle than a .410. If you went that route, I would get a Win '92 in .44 or .357, both large pistol magnum calibers. It will not kick AT ALL and you can put an awful lot of lead out there in a hurry if you get some practice in.
Bookmarking info for when I go gun shopping.