Dear Senator 50D,
I am so sorry. I didn’t realize that you were the great Senator from Massatooshits. I told the boys out here and they were elated. I finally realized that if only we had perfectly enforced your perfect law we would never have had to deal with this problem. Can you ever forgive me?
Once the boys realized that they had not been perfectly enforcing your perfect law they determined to correct their error and kick it up a notch. And it’s working just as you said it would. As soon as we starting perfectly enforcing your perfect law, a whole bunch of them started running away.
And man, was it funny, you know how those people are. They had babies hangin’ from everywhere. We have run into a bit of a snag along those lines however. One group of about 500 broke down about 100 miles from here. It was so funny.
When we heard about it we figured we’d just leave them there and collect the bodies later. The guys from the morgue said they could fit more into the bags if they sat in the sun for a few days. They are so cost conscious down there. You’d be proud of them. (Oh, by the way. Could you send some extra cash? We need to hire a few more guys and a lot more bags.)
One of the guys felt that since your law was perfect, perfect enforcement would eliminate the problem posthaste, so they felt that waiting was not in keeping with the letter of your perfect law. He was right, of course, so we set out to collect the strays. Man, was that ever tough. We were lucky, however, that they hadn’t any food for several days. They weren’t up to much of a fight.
We gathered only about 250 of them and we put them on a bus. We couldn’t fit them all on, so we took the seats out and stacked them like cordwood. Fortunately, many of them were pretty gone from their little excursion so we only had to stack about 150. (Did I mention the bags?)
Now, Senator, I realize that we’re only scratching the surface here, and I promise, I’ll find those other 250, but we need a bit of a cash injection right about now. Just outside of town we’ve set up a processing camp. (The boys are calling it Camp McDonald. They are such scamps.)
Now, don’t get me wrong, they are putting up some resistance. We had quite a time with Grandma O’Connell. Man, she put up a fight. We had to Taser her twice, but we finally got her and Grandpa O’Connell on the bus. They finally seem to realize that your perfect law was right and just. I don’t think they’ll be back.
We have been experiencing some problems at the hospital, you should know. We started turning away sick kids but then we realized that since the parents were illegal, we’d take the parents right to the camp. Wow, what a mess. You know how those people are. Mrs. Flanagan alone left us with 7 sick kids. At first we refused to treat them and figured the real little ones would go quickly but then we noticed the tatts.
The three smallest ones were born here. Your tattoo program helped us sort that out quickly. So we treated the three and sent the rest off to camp with Mrs. F. We are going to need some sort of surrogate or adoption program, but I’m sure that if we read the legislation more carefully we’ll probably find it in there.
We have discovered that since we won’t treat anyone at the camps, we’ve been seeing a bit of cross contamination into the legal population and are looking for ways to process them more quickly. (As it is, we’ve been processing them as fast as we can and busing them about 300 miles east to the docks. We figure we’d let the Teamsters deal with them from there. One of the guys said that they were able to pack them into cargo ships like sardines. Those guys are a laugh riot!) Anyway, we’re going to need more help with abatement out here, so sharpen those pencils…sir, respectfully.
I know I’ve been painting a rosy picture for you, but in all honesty, there are some pockets of resistance. Those 19th Street boys have been getting by with all sorts of criminal activity and we’re in process of developing a counter offensive, but we’re short-handed right now so we have two of our best grant writers working on a proposal that would increase the number of men working the enforcement side of your great and glorious law. Like we say down here, “Perfect Law plus Perfect Enforcement equals Perfect Harmony”. When that proposal arrives we’d sure appreciate it if you’d expedite it. Sir.
Thank you, Senator. You have taught us much, but we have so much more to learn.
Your humble servant, Leo.