Your case is dismissed, goodbye!
Posted on 01/06/2005 2:28:02 PM PST by Chris Haire
Fear This Is George Bush an evil man? No, he’s a member of Delta House.
by Chris Haire
As I reached for the door handle, I saw it clearly on the door — the letter “B” — warning me not to enter. It told me to turn back around, get in my car, head to Hardee’s and pick up a Thickburger. But a hamburger from the last place I would previously think of to get a burger but which is now the first place that comes to my mind was the last thing that I wanted to put in my mouth. I wanted something with a little kick. I wanted kim chee. But considering that the restaurant I was about to enter received the pisspoor grade of "B" from the Department of Health and Environmental Control, I didn’t know if I had the nerve, or the stomach, for it.
I hate to admit this in such a public forum, but there is nothing in this world that frightens me more than the possibility that some unseen evil lurks inside the food I eat. I will not drink milk after the expiration date. I make sure the safety seal breaks when I twist the cap off a bottle of Vanilla Coke. I will not pick up a can of carrots if it is the last one on the shelf. I know I’m as mad as Mad Max. I don’t have to see myself on Diane Sawyer to realize that.
However, there are more realistic fears for me when it comes to food. Salmonella. E. Coli. Mad Cow. They are the Axis of Evil of the culinary world.
But still, I have been known to play gastrointestinal roulette. I will lick the uncooked cake batter out of a mixing bowl. I will order medium rare hamburgers with a wink and a smile, letting my server know that I care little for DHEC regulations. And one day I will return to Mexico City and dine upon the delicacies offered by the street vendors there even though I once went mano y mano with Montezuma and lost. I will have my revenge.
So I pushed my fears aside, specifically my fear of restaurants that fail to meet the Department of Health's caveat emptor-heavy standards. My desire for kim chee was just too great. But even greater was my faith, a belief that whatever evil lay in wait would not harm me. It would only make me stronger. I turned back around and went inside.
Driving back, I was satisfied with my purchase and looked forward to eating without fear. I wasn’t about to let something as simple as the alphabet determine my fate. After all, I am an English major. Letters don’t scare me.
The same can’t be said of words. And right there in front of me were words that chilled me to the bone. The funny bone that is. The bumper sticker on the car ahead said, “Evil Lurks in the Bushes.”
I scanned the car for other rib-tickling stickers — “My child beat up your honor student,” “Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses,” “If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?” and the like. I looked at the rear window, the trunk, the back left tire, but I couldn’t find another sticker. It was then that my laughs turned to tears of fear, for I realized that the driver in the car ahead might actually believe that our president is... (cue the orchestra)... EVIL.
I’m no Bush supporter, mind you. I disagree with many of his policies. For example, let’s say I ticked off the school bully and a showdown was scheduled for three o’clock high. Well, I would hope I could get my hands on some steroids and some WMDs ASAP. With Bush in office, I can’t do that and rightfully call myself a good American.
Now when it comes to the war in Iraq, well, I disagree with Bush there too. It has nothing to do with the mission itself. It’s the approach. While I’m all for cornering the market on sand and suicide bombers, I think that instead of waging a campaign of bombs and missiles we should have launched an assault using air conditioners, Lazy Boys and home entertainment systems. Amuse them into submission, I say. Pacify them with pixilated images and microwave popcorn. After all, who needs the Koran when you have TiVo?
But back to Bush: despite his ties to the Carlyle Group, Skull and Bones and the Lizard Men of Planet Thebes, I know in the shallowest pit of my heart that Bush is not an evil man. He’s a C-student. A drinking buddy. A man who looks at the serious issues that concern other world leaders and smirks. He’s Otter in Animal House. Well, at least he was before he pledged eternal allegiance to the Promise Keepers. Quitter.
Seriously, what sort of rational person believes that the American public could actually elect a genuinely evil man president of the United States? Evil men aren’t elected. They throw coups. They rig votes. They hang chads.
What about Nixon, you say. Phooey, I reply. Despite his tricky ways, Tricky Dick was not an evil man. He was just an overly cautious gent obsessed with dotting the I’s and crossing the T’s. Watergate, the Enemies List, the escalation of the war in Vietnam, they are less about evil and more about Nixon’s overachieving Doogie Howser inner child.
I know. I know. I can’t change your mind if you honestly believe that the 666 is residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. But maybe I can get you to reevaluate your own heart, to see if it’s devoid of darkness.
Consider this: if you believe that Bush is evil and the American public elected him to higher office (well, at least at some point), just what does that say about your opinion of your fellow man?
It says quite a lot. It says that you distrust your neighbor. That you consider him a fool. That you wish the FBI would book him a ticket on the Reeducation Camp Express. But most of all it says that you fear him.
As for me, I don’t fear Bush, and I don’t fear my fellow man. I fear the owner of the car with the “Evil Lurks in the Bushes” bumper sticker. But dammit if I don’t dig his sense of humor.
Beautiful mind?
That is one mean looking cat!
Far out, troll dude!
ROFL
That is a good line........
Perfect!
Fear this.....Extra crispy ZOT.
setting beeber from stune to ZOT.....
Is that puke all over that man?
You worry about milk that still has 7 days left, yet you'll eat raw egg?
You're not Mad max, that's just kinda DUmb.
And, your smirk reference is quite suspicious.
Bunny and pancake, if you get my drift.
LOL I couldn't agree more.
This is funny
Taking a cue from Sen. Bob Graham of Florida, Axl Rose
documents the progress being made on the latest album by
Guns N’ Roses, “Chinese Democracy”: Day 3,147
3:35 pm Wake up. Go to wig closet.
3:55 pm Select cornrows. Nearly picked fire-engine red
dreadlocks.
4-4:30 pm Take Botox injections and pluck eyebrows. Hit Stairmaster.
Make mental note to wear bandana when exercising to
keep sweat out of eyes. Hot pink.
4:30-5 pm Call manager. Arrange dates for upcoming tour.
5:05 pm Cancel tour. Fire manager.
5:06 pm So very cold. Like November rain. Wrap body in blanket.
5:07 pm Shake uncontrollably.
5:08 pm Vomit. Order more Tupperware containers. Get maid to
empty file cabinets.
5:09-5:45 pm Contact business manager. Discuss possibility of putting
sweat-stained bicycle shorts on eBay to cover recording
cost overruns. Starting bid: $10,000.
5:45-6:22 pm Debate where to eat.
6:23-6:42 pm Call therapist. She's says that in past life, approached by
Hare Krishna outside restaurant. He offered me a flower. I
took it and was run over by elderly man on way to farmer's
market. I'm afraid it may happen again. Under her advice,
decide to order delivery. Give therapist raise.
6:43-7:10 pm Search frantically for anti-bacterial handwash and latex
gloves. No luck. Despite reservations, pick up phone. Use
pencil to dial. Someone has chewed on eraser.
etc etc etc
Instant classic!
Buh-bye, troll!
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