Have a Holly Jolly WHATADOOFUS

Common Conservative ^ | Thomas Lindaman

[Dustin Hawkins]

So, maybe we can go the other way. How about a holiday that has no religious connotations whatsoever? We could call it…Winter Holidays And Traditions Absolutely Devoid Of Offensive Follies Undermining Sensitivity, or simply, WHATADOOFUS. It could be held in a week, no, make that a whole month! That way people could celebrate at their leisure. And think of the sales! Instead of the post-pre-post-post-pre-post-pre-Christmas sales, we could have one monthlong shop-a-thon! You would have to pry retailers off the Hubble Telescope if this idea takes hold.

Well, then we’d have to rework some of the holiday traditions. Imagine the joy of greeting someone, “Hey, Bob! Happy WHATADOOFUS!” (And provided your jaw heals up in time to have solid foods, you can smile as you enjoy the WHATADOOFUS tofurkey.)

Christmas carols would be out, but replacing them would be little ditties like this WHATADOOFUS classic:

Oh Non-Denominational night The stars are brightly shining It is the night of our dear Non-Denominational figure’s birth

And who could resist tapping his or her toes to this one?

You better watch out, you better not cry You better not pout, I’m telling you why A non-offensive adult figure is coming to town.

[Dustin Hawkins]

Happy, uhh, I forget... Everyone!