Part One: The Secret Plan
[The scene]: A stainless steel submarine floating underwater somewhere off the southern coast of Freeper Island. On the bridge is GOPCapitalist, 4ConservativeJustices, & Aurelius. All are dressed in grey fatigues and kepis. GOPCap is peering through the periscope in the direction of land, Aurelius is busy consulting a navigational chart, and 4CJ [wearinging headphones] is adjusting a shortwave radio.
[GOPCap]: So far no signal from shore, we’ll have to wait a bit longer for the ‘package’ to arrive.
[Aurelius]: Agent Wardaddy is one of our best men, I’m sure he will come through. You have to admit, this plan to kidnap the statue of Lincoln from the city of Richmond and replace it with a life sized replica of Ol’ Miss Mascot Col. Reb is a stroke of genius.
[Parrot on GOPcaps shoulder] Squawk! Free Dixie!! Squawk!
[GOPCap]: Well our benefactors in this venture have been generous, although one wonders whether the plan suffers from major structural weakness that only my mighty intellect can discern…
[4CJ raising his hand:] Wait. I’m picking up a coded signal. Its from agent Wardaddy.
[GOPCap looking through the periscope] Well, whats it say?
[4CJ] its being sent in Marse code to prevent our enemies from intercepting the transmission. Quick give me a copy of Gone With the Wind so I can translate.
[Aurelius]: I wish we had secret decoder rings like those other guys….
[GOPCap]: Shut up. I told you no decoder rings, I don’t care how cool they look. I’m not going to change my mind no matter what you say about it. I’m always right, so stop arguing, and admit you’re beaten…
[4CJ]: its from Agent Wardaddy. The replica statue is being transported from its secret location [the PKE house] to the boat dock as we speak. they’ll rendevous with us at 0300 hours.
[GOPCap]: Any word from our other agents?
[4CJ]: Yes there’s more. Agent Billbears has intercepted a written message from the enemy. He says it’s a card for the Republican Party’s 150th birthday…
[GOPCap]: Don’t those morons know that its only been 149 years since organized resistance to the ameircan slave-autocracy was formed? They continue to overexaggerate their claims and embellish their accomplishments in a leftist,crypto-communist conspiracy to destroy all we true southern conservative meateaters hold dear!!
[4CJ]: Well the prisoner said it was because they wanted to give people a lot of time to hear about the 150th birthday of the Republican party, and make plans..you know…to celebrate…
[GOPCap (scowling)]: Birthdays are a Marxist, Troskyite invention to mollify the unwashed masses with cake and ice cream, while lining the pockets of the greedy neocononservative corporations like Kraft and Hallmark. We must stop them from celebrating that birthday!
[Aurelius]: What about the prisoner? Who is he?
[4CJ]: agent Billbears says he’s some sort a federal agent carrying a big blue sack of letters. He took him prisoner on account of everything the government does is wrong or evil, and because them revenuers busted up his daddy's still that time, and because he liked the rubber soled shoes the prisoner was wearing.
[Aurelius]: He liked what? His shoes?
[4CJ]: Well, Billbears said he was tired of walking through the woods barefoot, and that the gubmint will give the prisoner a new pair once we decide to let him go. So he figured ‘why not' help himself to the rubber soled shoes? since that’s all the gubmint is good for anyway, you know giving stuff away...
[Parrot on GOPcaps shoulder] Squawk! Tyrants!, Scalawags!, Carpetbaggers! Squawk!
GOPCap: Anything else?
4CJ: We’ve also heard from agent Waddie. He’s doing some surveillance on your arch nemesises. He’s spotted them in a bar just outside Richmond and he’s surveiling those bluecoated scalawags right now.
[Parrot] Squawk! DamnYankees! Rebel Yell! Squawk!
Aurelius to himself: (Uh Oh, here we go again)
[GOPCap swinging his arms and knocking the parrot off his shoulder]: THOSE TWO! Where are they? We must leave at once and track them down! I can’t let them get away again. The replica Col Reb statue will have to wait.
[Aurelius]: Um, I’ll have to remind you Cap that the replica statue plan has top priority. Confederate symbols are extremely important to the big bosses, and they have laid out a lot of money to ensure we don’t fail in our mission. Do I have to remind you who paid for this stainless steel submarine, or all that gold braid you like to wear ?
[GOPCap turning blue in the face and fighting for control of the periscope with Aurelius]:But..I ..must...destroy..them..can't...let..them..win...
[fade to black]
To Be Continued...