I'm sorry. I've tried to do it. I've never tried to do anything so hard in my life. I even bit my lip. But I just can't. I've been reading all of Wlat's cut-and-paste about The Great Emancipator, and I realized that not only should I help the genetically challenged such as Non-Sequitor, Grand Old Partisan, and especially WhiskeyPapa, but as Lincoln said, it is a sacred duty to help those who belong to a genetically inferior group.
Four score and seven minutes ago, having recognized such a sacred duty, I devised a plan to emancipate the inferior group lacking in intellectual capacity, thought and reason. First, in the spirit of Lincoln, I needed an N-word to call them, and so they were designated Nimrods.
I cannot make it better known than it already is, that I strongly favor colonization. And yet I wish to say there is an objection urged against free Nimrods remaining in the country, which is largely imaginary, if not sometimes malicious.
As the Great Emancipator reminded us, It is still in our power to direct the process of emancipation, and deportation, peaceably, and in such slow degrees, as that the evil will wear off insensibly; and their places be, pari passu, filled up by intelligent people. If, on the contrary, it is left to force itself on, human nature must shudder at the prospect held up.
I considered a plan of gradual emancipation of Nimrods. Thirty-seven years sounded about right to me. But some are maliciously impatient to be rid of the Nimrods and want them emancipated and colonized right away.
Amongst the friends of the Union there is great diversity, of sentiment, and of policy, in regard to Nimrods and having the Nimrods amongst us.
Naturally, this would all be done legal and proper, with a vote taken. Of course, the Nimrod laws would apply. Nimrods would not vote. We can only have intelligent votes, and allowing Nimrods to vote would pollute the ballot box. To guarantee a fair and democratic process, we will have soldiers with guns to ensure nobody votes for anyone not on the Intelligent slate for Commissioner of Nimrods. Only after the people have spoken will I will decide to colonize you.
Indeed, if the plan fails, we will lose the last, best hope of earth. We can have a happy home of teeming millions of free, intelligent, prosperous people, and no Nimrod among them. I think we Intelligent people have some interest. Do we not wish for an outlet for our surplus population, if I may so express myself.
And I will get the Reverend James Mitchell, the man the New York Tribune and other papers called America's official Commissioner of Nimrod Emigration. And I will have the Reverend recruit and lead a group of five Nimrods into my office and have him introduce them to His Excellency. And this being the first time any Nimrod has been so invited to confer on an official matter, it will be an auspicious occasion. I will then use this forum to tell native-born Americans of Nimrod descent that it was their duty to leave America for genetic reasons.
But of course, there comes the question of where to colonize the Nimrods. To what clime should they be deported? I thought of West Texas, Liberia, Haiti, South America, and the Caribbean. They need some place without much intellect, reason or logic. It must be someplace outside, or not too closely associated with, the United States. I was thinking, perhaps California.
Couldn't do it, I see.