Replies

1. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your a$$ kicked.

2. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at
Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast
24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If
you confuse them, they'll kick your a$$.

3. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so
shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the
hell out of here, or we'll kick your a$$.

4. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down
here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a
flying rat's a$$ whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper,
7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it.
Doing otherwise can lead to an a$$ kicking.

5. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate
than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner, O'Connor). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't
refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your a$$.

6. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith
of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Oprah, Turner Broadcasting,
MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let
someone move to our state in order to run for the
Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick
his/her a$$.

7. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had
listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at
Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

8. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen,
Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or
we will just HAVE to kick your a$$.

9. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your
biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put
sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your a$$.

10. Don't talk about how much better things are at
home because we know better. Many of us have visited
Northern he!!holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and
we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
here, Delta or US Airways is ready when you are. Move
your a$$ on home before it gets kicked.

11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk
this way because we don't want to sound like you. We
don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying,
and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave
us alone, or we'll kick your a$$.

12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your a$$ all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir
and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your a$$ just like they did ours.

14. So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have
enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your a$$.

15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down
here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your
a$$ shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your a$$.