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The Very Secret Diary of Saruman the White

DAY ONE

Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous letters to Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru.

Perhaps will have a look at the palantir.

DAY TWO

Have met v. nice guy via palantir. He seems to really like me for me and not just because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. Wonder what he looks like.

DAY THREE

Am becoming disenchanted with palantir guy. Refuses to send me photo, except of one v. large eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect he is fat, or perhaps hairy. Have heard some v. bad stories about palantir relationships. Should probably cool it for a while.

DAY SEVEN

Well, wouldn't you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord of Mordor. Just my luck. Could have been worse, I guess. Sauron not far or hairy, just disembodied force of evil. Must go now, have to raise massive demon army to scourge the earth. Also, have manicure appointment. Is no easy task keeping nails pointy.

DAY NINE

Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate drop-ins. Wanted to yap on and on all about the ring he gave his new boyfriend, terrible pervy hobbit-fancier old Gandalf is. Disgrace to the Order. Just wants to show off and remind me that he's got a hobbit, and I'm just dating an eyeball. Well, Saruman the White does not stand for this treatment. Showed him my Wizard Wrestling Federation moves. Have delivered smackdown. Go me.

DAY THIRTEEN

Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt Gandalf. Should have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could taunt more effectively, and would not have to wait until after breakfast.

From this link: http://www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/

There are diaries for everyone in the fellowship there. It's pretty gay, but still very funny.