Area Troll ZOTted at FreeRepublic However, some concerned by loud partying and emerging technology. FRESNO, CA — A local Troll suffered serious injuries today during another ZOT! incident at FreeRepublic.com, witnesses said. A local high-voltage enthusiast group known as The Viking Kittens is suspected in the incident.
The troll, jj_fate, was reported in drunken condition at a bar in Rio Linda, where he was airlifted and dumped after the incident. "The troll had just finished posting his mindless rant when there was a huge blue flash, the smell of ozone and burning hair, and that terrible high pitched screaming," American Patriot and FreeRepublic founder Jim Robinson said. "We've seen a lot of troll traffic lately, some who just spontaneously flame out. But I definitely believe this was another attack by the Kittens." Admin Moderator also put the blame for the attack at the paws of the Viking Kittens, a shadowy cult known to frequent FreeRepublic. "Oh, it was definitely the work of the Kittens." he said, reached at this secure, undisclosed location, "Nobody else has that particular kind of firepower. The VK's were once just a harmless little cat cult, sort of like the posters at the Hobbit Hole. They'd post their cat pictures and everybody would say 'Awww, how cute!' and go on their merry way." He continued, "But somewhere along the line, just after the disputed presidential election, something radicalized them and they've become quite dangerous to trolls. They've learned not only to summon lightning from the sky, but to direct it with amazing precision. Have you ever seen a snarling kitten with a thunderbolt in its paws? It can be frightening, even to Mods." The recent upsurge in troll traffic has been blamed on Michael Moore, the New York Times' fascination with Abu Ghraib, and the presidential campaign. Many previously outspoken trolls have recently been forced to settle for one-line "quick hits" in an existing thread. The reticence to start a new troll thread has been traced directly to the fear of ZOT! "Normally, with the one-liners, we just remove their comment and that's it." said Sidebar Moderator. "But the ones that actually start one of these self-important but oddly sad threads are just asking for ZOT!" Citing the obvious lies being told about President Bush, Sidebar said "The Viking Kitties are soooo cute, but I think they've been pushed too far by these fact-challenged trolls." Clearly concerned, she added, "The Kittens need to watch their voltage regulators more closely, though. This last time, they nearly fried all of us down to protoplasm." Interviewed at an local coffehouse, troll cubrepub had this to say about the incident, "These are not the innocent Kittens they are portrayed to be," he whined. "These are full-blown instruments of mass suppression—lightning graphics, toll-mocking photos, signs, and insulting comments. Why, they're quashing our free speech rights! I'm not comfortable knowing that, at any time, a major American troll could be jarred by a sudden flash and loud bang. I think the local, state and even the federal government should crack down on these jack-pawed thugs!" Speaking to the victim was difficult, but this reporter located him at the Anarchist Watering Hole, a Rio Linda pub that seems to be a favorite dumping ground for the Kittens. Troll jj_fate was obviously disoriented by high voltage when he said "Bluuuaack! Margfer ugamug speen has got to be the most fascist naziast place ive mochtar ryadi!" At that point, he screamed "BUSH LIED!", drooled profusely, soiled his pants and fell off his bar stool. Further attempts at conversation were fruitless due to jj_fate's incoherence and badly burned, swollen lips. Medical attention was summoned and local Emergency Services personnel helped the troll put a straightjacket over his arms before he was led away. Lead Moderator said that, while he doesn't want to be an alarmist, he has received reliable intelligence suggesting that a major troll-related incident on American soil is being planned for early July. "It's frightening to think what might happen ," Lead said. "I mean, we just can't get these trolls to understand that their threads encourage the Viking Kittens, that the Kittens like this stuff. Far from achieving their apparent goal of disrupting the forum, troll threads are simply giving the VK's another reason to party, drink their ale and wave their little paws in the air." "But," Lead continued, "with all the rumors of new developments in Kitty weapons technology, every time I hear 'The Immigrant Song' by Led Zeppelin, I get a little nervous." A phone message left at Viking Kitten Headquarters requesting comment for this story was not immediately returned. |
