Henchman

Free Republic ^ | Today | piytar

[woodbutcher1963]

As long as you don’t chew gum in line..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcokL59jeqU

Unless you brought enough for everybody.

[ProtectOurFreedom]

LOL...that is great!! It draws you in with “where the HELL is this going? What is this all about?” Then that anticlimactic concluding sentence jars you “It was a fine day in August 1913”

[TomEd]

Another technical writer here. Once a decade or so, I’ll write an excellent, fast-paced short story. Here’s one:

https://lite.evernote.com/note/7e459d75-22fc-8671-ff5c-a49682321240

[Lazamataz]

The Writers Guild of Free Republic ping list

Ok. This is going to be brutal. However, you and I are dear friends, so you know this is intended not to bring you down, but to build you up.

• Overall structure of the story: This story is written in the first-person point of view. It is a Point of View I seldom take, because it is very limiting. However, if it is your decision to start and stay in this Point of View, I'd recommend easing into it. An example:
  
  "Whatchya doin'?"
  "What's it look like. Writin'."
  "'Bout what?"
  "'Bout what we do. Jeez."
  The Henchman dipped his quill into the ink pot, and began scratching out his story on a scroll of parchment.
  
  (start story here)
  
  
• Character Voice: If you want to portray the story teller as a dumb henchman, then some of the text makes good sense. However, you should inform the reader that it is the Henchmen that writes poorly, not you... as I have done, above, with the introduction. If the Henchman is below 70 IQ, than his narrative quality makes some sense. Here is an example:

  Below 70 IQ: "Us henchmen get killed off all the time..."
  70-100 IQ:"We henchmen get killed all the time...
  100+ IQ:"We henchmen are expendable...."

  In any of those cases, proper punctuation is required, even when speaking in a character's voice. Example: "Us henchmen get killed off all the time and nobody really notices, let alone cares." Only use improper punctuation if it makes a plot point (as in the example of a treasure map) lest you -- the author, look illiterate.
  
  
• Good grammar is a must. Even when speaking in the character's voice, the author must break up the voice with proper grammar. Example: "Now this job: It’s stereotypical." Leaving aside the missing comma, a full colon is intended to present two stand-alone sentences that are related. The component is a sentence fragment. "It's stereotypical." is a sentence that can stand on it's own. Can the other one? "Now this job". No, it cannot.

I have much more to offer, but this is a good start. Let me know if this is too brutal, or the honest feedback that will improve you as a writer. 😊

If I have time, later, I may be giving out as many as ten to twelve more pointers. Some of these may appear picky, but failure to follow some of these guidelines makes for a jarring, distracting read.

[Lazamataz]

“A barometric low hung over the Atlantic. It moved eastward toward a high-pressure area over Russia without as yet showing any inclina- tion to bypass this high in a northerly direction. The isotherms and isotheres were functioning as they should. The air temperature was appropriate relative to the annual mean temperature and to the ape- riodic monthly fluctuations of the temperature. The rising and set- ting of the sun, the moon, the phases of the moon, of Venus, of the rings of Saturn, and many other significant phenomena were all in accordance with the forecasts in the astronomical yearbooks. The water vapor in the air was at its maximal state of tension, while the humidity was minimal. In a word that characterizes‘the facts fairly accurately, even if it is a bit old-fashioned: It was a fine day in August 1913.”

Total Bulwer-Lytton Contest material.... lol

[ckilmer]

I’m writing a book on AI advisors which enable people
Below 70 IQ: “Us henchmen get killed off all the time...”
70-100 IQ:”We henchmen get killed all the time...

to make 7-9 percent on the stock market annually without too much risk. The advisors spread risks over asset classes and rebalance them automatically.

[Dead Corpse]

It's a sad life, the lot of the average henchmen. Our betters are forever assuming that our lives are meaningless and therefore thoughtlessly expendable.

[teeman8r]

“Ok. This is going to be brutal. However, you and I are dear friends, so you know this is intended not to bring you down, but to build you up.”

Critiquing the critique: good points. well thought out reasoning... and the point on grammar is on, well, point.

i like the showing of the intelligence through the dialogue, and i am not bothered by the lack of personal context—he said, i said.

[piytar]

LOL. Not brutal at all.

Yeah caught a few of those typos. Fixed.

BTW you have a few typos in your comment. :)

Just appreciate you taking the time to look at this little thing.

[Lazamataz]

I’ll have more later, it’s going to be more content-related. I like your twist — the cook is the best warrior — but highlighting it more prominently would help. I’ll help you there.

[teeman8r]

and i view punctuation as a secondary way, to direct the reader, on how to read my words... words do mean things, and words do, mean things.

[Lazamataz]

BTW you have a few typos in your comment. :)

Wat yoo meen. Mah grammer is impektable.

[Lazamataz]

and i view punctuation as a secondary way, to direct the reader, on how to read my words... words do mean things, and words do, mean things.

We have time to kill, Susan.
We have time to kill Susan.

[dfwgator]

Commas save lives!

[piytar]

Wat yoo meen. Mah grammer is impektable.

LOL I actually laughed out loud reading that comment!

[sit-rep]

I am the Walrus...

https://youtu.be/ZXLEfYO1rRU?t=30

[sit-rep]

this one is better!!

https://youtu.be/c0WbEkl-w7s

[Moltke]

Yes, that’s why I remember it so well. I read that tome 40 years ago in my early 20s, and while I do not recall most of the details, that opening paragraph stuck. This was finally the thread to post it! Thanks for opening the door, both of you! 😃

[Moltke]

Hey now! I looked that contest up. You are a meanie! 😆

Or, to put it another way: Sir, I’ll have you know that that is the opening to one of the great novels of the 20th century.

[ProtectOurFreedom]

“This was finally the thread to post it!”

LOL...we see that a lot. Some obscure to totally offbeat post triggers memories you hadn’t thought of for decades. Glad we triggered that memory, Moltke.