China's Hunt for Guo Wengui Kicks off Manhattan Caper Worthy of Spy Thriller

The Wall Street Journal ^ | October 22, 2017 | Kate O’Keeffe, Aruna Viswanatha, Cezary Podkul

[Lazamataz]

I was trained at the Yautja homeworld after I demonstrated extreme bravery. They admired me for that, and offered to train me in Yauja hand-to-hand combat.

No other human has achieved the 12th braid of martial arts level. As you know, the Yautja have braids they grow, to indicate their skill level at hand-to-hand, ship-based weaponry, and handheld energy skill levels. Each braid is in a slightly-different color of infrared, which the Yautja eyes are keyed to.

[Lazamataz]

Chinese people have slanty eyes. Those re my thoughts. Tell us yours.

My thoughts are, I like Chinese.

[bagster]

My thoughts are I like Chinese

They only come up to your knees.

haha, lovely video.

[Rebelbase]

You may like Chinese but I doubt you have the countenance to listen to this song all the way through.

I like Chinese Food.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWLhrHVySgA

[bagster]

I was trained at the....

That's all well and good, Laz, and I'm sure your gung fu is adequate.

However, I was trained at North Shao-lin temple. I began my training at two months old and my master was Master Ah Fong Gu. I am proficient in several styles, including drunken woman style, the most lethal gung fu.

I was body man to the emperor of China until his death. After which I roamed the country side as a travelling ronin administering death to the unworthy and protecting baggage trains.

One time, in a small western town, I entered a saloon and was quite thirsty after forty days walking barefoot in the desert. I asked for a drink of water and a cowboy laughed at me and said, "Get out of here Chinaman." Not being Chinese, I was offended but my training did not allow me to show my anger. He and his friends would not relent and began to push me. Needless to say, seventeen cowboys now sleep with the fishes.

I am a peaceful, humble man. But my gung fu is second to none.

[Lazamataz]

However, I was trained at ....

That's all well and good, bagster, and I'm sure your gung fu is adequate.

However, I was trained at the galaxy-renowned JEHDIN KEHRITE on planet Yautja, by the masters of the art. They have no other name for their art, except gahn'tha-cte dhi'ki-de,which means Ruthless Death in the Yautjua native tongue.

Remember, the Yautja are about three times as strong as an average human, 30% larger, and about twice as fast. In order to successfully train, as a short, weak, slow human, I needed nanoimplants to increase my size, strength, and speed to Yautja levels. In so doing, the additional genetic rewriting to make the nanoimplants compatible altered my appearence. Here's a recent photo of me:

I now would easily best any normal human, no matter their art. Earth-based martial arts are meant for weak, puny, slow humans, and cannot compare to mine.

I am a peaceful, humble enhanced-man. But my gahn'tha-cte dhi'ki-de is second to none.

[bagster]

That's all well and good, Laz, and I'm sure your gahn'tha-cte dhi'ki-de is adequate.

But let me explain further. I attained super saiyan status after I beat Goku and Vegeta both at the same time. I then fought Majan Bu for seven episodes and finally defeated him. I took Arnold Swarzenegger's lunch money without breaking a sweat and we both know his gung fu is better than yours.

Do the math.

[Lazamataz]

That's all well and good, bagster, and I'm sure your gung-fu is adequate.

But let me explain further. The Yautja have made it to the galaxy that houses the Star Wars 'worlds' and I was given an injection of midichorians, which as you know, are necessary for getting powers like The Force. I now have Force levels that exceed the late, great Darth Vader, and easily bested the Emperor AND Yoda in hand to hand combat. The Yautja who was bested by Arnold Swarzenegger neither had training in gahn'tha-cte dhi'ki-de, nor powers of The Force. I could whip 125,000 of those versions of Yautja at the same time, with one arm, looking bored the entire time.

Do the math.

[bagster]

That's all well and good, Laz, and I'm sure your force enhanced gahn'tha-cte dhi'ki-de is adequate.

But I have not yet told you the tale of my birth. I was born on a planet one orbit closer to the sun in the Krypton solar system. That planet was not destroyed, therefore there is no element on earth that I am vulnerable to. Earth's gravity, as you know, gives me many amazing powers that you mortals cannot fathom.

After World War two, I was captured by Nazis and my bones were infused with adamantium, which, combined with my mutant healing powers, made me practically indestructible.

These traits, combined with my super sayan status and very excellent gung fu have sufficed to make me a very formidable opponent. I disguise myself as a common Freeper in order to walk amongst earthlings without raising suspicion.

Some people say Hitler killed himself. It is not so. I cannot speak of it for fear of revealing my deadly nature.

Some wonder why Godzilla has never returned from the sea. I know.

The dinosaurs? They shouldn't have messed with me.

Do the math.

[Lazamataz]

That’s all well and good, bagster, and I’m sure your Krypton-birthplace Wolverine-X-Man-Enhanced dinosaur-killing gung-fu is adequate.

But you have forced me to reveal my true identity.

I am God.

Checkmate.

[bagster]

That’s all well and good, Laz, and I’m sure your Force enhanced gahn'tha-cte dhi'ki-de and Godliness is adequate.

But there's something you must know.

I know you have been told that you were created out of nothingness and that you are the only one of your kind that has ever existed.

But it's been far too long and I think it's time. You know how Darth gave Luke the surprise of his life just before his death?

Well, son. Sit down......

[Lazamataz]

I know you have been told that you were created out of nothingness and that you are the only one of your kind that has ever existed.

(laughing softly) Incorrect, my child. I am the Alpha and the Omega. I have always been and always will be. Read My Holy Word, and you will learn this.

(Told ya. Checkmate.)

:) :) :)

[familyop]

Did you know that Russia has a martial art? The form appears to be rather difficult to learn, though.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVj0ZTS4WF4

[familyop]

More seriously, some meditation is in order.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yO7MWuJ7zLA

[Lazamataz]

Russians understand how to deal with chickenas.

[bagster]

Haha. Gross.