Speaking of creepy
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
_____
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents. Now I’m a parent...and I don`t want to get caught misbehaving by my kids.
_____
I think my smart phone is broken.
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
_____
Just watched the news and...those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working.
_____
“Yep, that’s right - I miss Bill Clinton!”
He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.
*He played the sax.
*He smoked weed.
*He had his way with ugly white women.
*Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he doesn’t! And, he gets a check from the government every month.
*Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America ‘s shelves this week with “ Clinton Soup,” in honor of one of the nations’ distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
*Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
*When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, “I don’t know, I never had one.”
*The Clinton revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.”
*Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.
Good afternoon, U.S. State Department. How can I help you?
THIS IS ACHMED BIN MUHAMMAD. I DEMAND THAT THE UNITED STATES WITHDRAW IMMEDIATELY FROM ALL MUSLIM CONTROLLED COUNTRIES.
It’s not necessary to shout sir. I can help you. So that I may properly direct your call, please tell me what other demands you will make in order to have this demand granted?
DEATH TO AMERICA!!! DEATH TO ISRAEL!!! WE DEMAND IMMEDIATE WITHDRAWL AND WE WILL NOT CONCEDE - er - WHAT????!!!!
Oh, we’re with you on the Israel thing, sir.The State Department will be glad to discuss your concern with you. But to direct you to an official with proper authority I need to know your other demands.
THEN YOU WILL NOT BE ASKING THAT WE CONCEDE SOMETHING IN ORDER TO GET SOMETHING.
Oh, no, Mr. Bin Muhammad. That kind of negotiation is so last century. Maybe you have us confused with someone else, like Israel or even France. No, here in the United States we negotiate by listening to your increasing list of demands until we get tired of talking. Then we grant them all.
BUT WE HAVE NO OTHER DEMANDS. WE SIMPLY DEMAND A COMPLETE WITHDRAWL OF ALL MOSLEM COUNTRIES AND DETROIT IMMEDIATELY.
Sir, unless I know what demands you will make in order to have your demand met I can’t really direct your call.
I DEMAND THAT YOU DIRECT MY CALL WITHOUT ANY OTHER DEMANDS.
Oh, well, that’s different. I can work with that. Let’s see, demands in a change of procedure is Undersecretary Clinton - a distant relation, you know, of the former Secretary of State. I’ll connect you now.
I DEMAND YOU CONNECT ME NOW.
Yes, sir, that’s what I said. I’ll connect you now.
WHY AM I SPEAKING TO A WOMAN. I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO A MAN.
Oh, I’m sorry sir. Undersecretary Clinton won’t be able to help you with demands that the department become sexist. That’s Undersecretary Clinton.
BUT YOU JUST SAID...
A different one. I’ll connect you now.
WOMAN, YOU MUST STOP PLAYING THESE GAMES WITH ME. WE WILL CAUSE THE DEATHS OF MANY INNOCENT AMERICANS AND FORCE SCHOOLCHILDREN TO EAT HOTDOGS AND FRENCH FRIES IF MY DEMANDS ARE NOT MET.
I’m trying to meet your demands, sir, Please hold while I transfer you.
YOU OBVIOUSLY DO NOT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. VERY WELL. WE WILL TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION. DEATH TO AMERICA!!! DEATH TO ISRAEL!!!
"Folks, I can tell you I've known eight presidents,
three of them intimately." ---Joe Biden
Superb job this week!