A blonde got a job at the toy facory that makes the TICKLE ME ELMO dolls. The director gives her her instructions at the end of the assembly line and lets her get to work. Hours later, he’s amazed to see a HUGE backlog of dolls on the line. He gets to the end and to his amazement, he sees the blonde sealing two walnuts in a small bag and stapling them to the front of every doll. He asks what she’s doing and she says, “Just what you told me. I’m giving every doll two test tickles.”
The list of 10:
It came a pun a midnight clear....
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says,
“I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
2. Two boll weevils grew up in Mississippi. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.
The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally,
became known as the lessor of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft,
it sank proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. A three legged dog limps into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces:
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby
discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came
out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
7. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.”
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up
a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and
begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. We all know who Gandhi was, right? He was a spiritual man who fasted regularly.
Some may not realize that fasting, when practiced regularly and for extended periods,
leads not only to weight loss, but can also cause bad breath.
No matter, his interests were higher. This great leader hardly ever wore shoes.
One might say he was ... a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis. ( whew ! )
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends,
in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did ....
Subject: The Chili Cookoff
Date: Sunday, January 31, 1999 5:04 PM
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted
to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the
other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted
this as being one of those burdens you endure when you’re an internet
writer and therefore known and adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the
beer line.
Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to
stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number
3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I
wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy,
they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too
painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just
let it in through the hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge number 3 fell
and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: —————————
Hey, I'm published!