Posted on 08/28/2009 5:57:17 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Those are great. Some good taglines in there.
“-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...”
Here’s a local one that I don’t understand. Here in Norfolk, VA if the speed limit on a street is 30 or above the school zone speed limit is 25. But if the speed limit on the street is 25, then the school zone limit is 15. And it doesn’t matter if it’s an elementary, middle, or high school.
Why is 25 fine for some schools, but 15 is for others?
My favorite is the ninja.
My favorite is “The Swine Flu”.
Make up your mind, please.
.
.
.
.
20 mph.
Yeah, reminds me of my nights of “hogger hunting” when I was a single Navy sailor.
LOL
< /sarc >
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul it again.”
A “gimme” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the “gimme putt,” you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.
Husband and wife are in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: “Oh, that feels good.”
His hand moves to her breast.
She: “Gee, honey, that feels wonderful.”
His hand moves to her leg.
She: “Oh, honey, don’t stop.”
But he stops.
She: “Why did you stop?”
He: “I found the remote.”
Murphy’s Other Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong, a tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those whom live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
13. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little
girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the
wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured
her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spider things doing?” she asked.
“They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top?” she asked.
“That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered.
“So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?” the little girl
asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and
innocent question he replied,
“No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.”
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a
moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
“Well, we’re not having any of that gay sh*t in our garden
1) What does the average Univ. of Michigan player get on his SATs?
.........Drool.
(2) What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one room?
..........A full set of teeth.
(3) How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?
.........Grease her hips and push.
(4) How do you get a Florida State graduate off your porch?
..........Pay him for the pizza.
(5) How do you know if an Alabama football player has a girlfriend?!
.........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.
(6) Why is the Indiana football team like a possum?
........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
(7) What are the longest three years of a Miami (Fla) football player’s life?
..........His freshman year
(8) How many Oklahoma freshmen does it! take to change a light bulb?
..........None. That’s a sophomore course.
(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
......... Durham, North Carolina. He knew that the police would never look at Duke for a Heisman Trophy winner.
AND FINALLY.....drum roll and cymbal crash.......
(10) Why did Texas choose orange as their team color?
.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
Those are funny. Here is an email I got this week.
SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, Oprah asked,’ Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.’
Mr. Burns said, ‘I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.’
Oprah said, ‘I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.’
George said, ‘Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.’
Oprah said, ‘I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?’
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, ‘I just don’t believe I have never been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.’
George said, ‘The second time is even better than the first time.”
Oprah said, ‘You can really do it again at your age?’
George said, ‘Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.’
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.
She said, ‘Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!’
George said that the third time would be even better. ‘You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes.’
Oprah said, ‘Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?’
George said, ‘No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.’
Hey, that was the 'nuc rule' in the Navy. Naval Nuclear Power is full of really, really bright guys who drank away their college money and had to get a job. Many of them are the stereotypical "memorized the encyclopedia but can't start a car" type, thus 50-50-90.
Words of wisdom.....
On marriage -
“Marry a woman who can cook. The sex will wear off but you’ll always be hungry.”
On exercise -
“If you see me running that means the laxative’s working.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
Rodney once said, “They say when you have sex you lose 200 calories. The last time I had sex I lost more than that. I lost 200 calories, my watch and my wallet!”
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.