Posted on 11/10/2006 3:31:04 AM PST by sully777
Purty. Too bad it wasn't on the hood of a MOPAR... ;-)
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50
and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them That is why you pay "them "
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
"Political Correctness" definition:-
A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a t*rd by the clean end.
YIKES! I though they were decapitating a pig.
"The new Speaker of the House is Nancy Pelosi. She had lunch today with President Bush, but the lunch honestly did not go well. She would not pass him anything he asked for." –David Letterman
"It has not been a good week for the Republicans. This election was kind of like a bad divorce –- they got rejected, insulted, and lost the House." –Jay Leno
"Here in California, the voters overwhelmingly decided they do not want Arnold Schwarzenegger to ever make another movie." --Jay Leno
"Over 83 million people voted in the election. And with the new machines that means that over half of the votes were counted." -- Jay Leno
""Borat” is the number one movie in the country. It’s a tall bumbling guy who can’t speak English. He travels around the country annoying people and is often confused. Oh wait, that’s John Kerry. " -- David Letterman
"The Republicans did so bad that today they were made honorary Oakland Raiders." -- Jay Leno
"I’m so glad the election is done. Now the only annoying political speech you’ll hear is at a Barbara Streisand concert." -- Jay Leno
"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was re-elected and he said he plans to use the next four years to showcase California as a one-of-a-kind model of bipartisan cooperation. Of course, it was much funnier when Arnold said it." -- Conan
"According to Britney Spears' pre-nup agreement, after she divorces Kevin Federline she'll have to pay him $30,000 a month. And when you add that to Federline's other sources of income, he'll be making a total of $30,000 a month. " -- Conan
"Today was Election Day. The vote went quick here in L.A. They now have a quicker, faster separate lane for all the illegal immigrants." -- Jay Leno
bttt
Wow, this thread has slowed down. :(
On the 2nd tee of the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty
years ago I had a brief affair, it meant nothing. I hope you can forgive
me."
His wife was hurt, but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we
have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed. On
the 17th tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted
out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me
of your affair. Since we're being honest with each other, I have something
to tell you also. Thirty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was
a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me"
The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He
slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed
off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his
clubs one by one, then started on hers. He screamed and ranted, "You liar!
You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all
my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies
tees!"
Some things are sacred.
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!
My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"
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