[martin_fierro]

This thread

NEEDS

MORE

COWBELL

[Trinity5]

Anyone want to got out this weekend?

[lectricpup]

[Manic_Episode]

I know! Lets go nuts adding silly keywords. Lots and lots of them.

[IllumiNaughtyByNature]

[Izzy Dunne]

[Izzy Dunne]

This is making me confused:

[Manic_Episode]

Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do

Dont rape me fatso let me go

[StrictTime]

[aomagrat]

I stopped by Wal-mart to pick up a few things and went to the express checkout. I was fourth in line.

The first in line was a lady who waited until her order was rung up before searching through her enormous purse for her check book. After finding it, she resumed searching for a pen, ignoring the pen offered by the clerk. After taking at least five minutes to write the check, she gave it to the clerk and returned the check book to her purse. The clerk asked her for ID and the searching resumed. After rooting around in her bottomless purse for a while she found her wallet. Then the searching continued through her wallet until she found her driver's license. The whole process took at least 10 minutes.

The second person in line was a man and he was paying by credit card. After his order was rung up he proceeded to swipe his credit card through the reader. Nothing happened. He did it again. Nothing. He turned the card around and swiped it with vigor, and ripped the reader right off the bracket. It was hanging by the wires. It took the clerk about five minutes to reattach the reader to the bracket and she swipped the card. Transaction finally complete.

The third person in line was an old woman. She had just one item and a ten dollar bill in her hand. Finally, I thought. This will be fast. How wrong I was. The clerk gave her the total and she said, "Oh, I have the correct change." Into her pocket book she rooted until she found her wallet. In the wallet went the ten dollar bill, out came a few ones. Back into the pocket book went the wallet and after a few minutes of rooting out came a small change purse. I stood there fuming while she counted out penny after penny, one by one.

Finally, after waiting in the express lane for thirty minutes, with only 3 people in front of me, I reached the cash register.

[Manic_Episode]

YIKES! I'M SITTING IN MY OWN URINE!

[Professional Engineer]

BUMP

[armydoc]

One of my favorites- I nearly passed out from laughing when I heard it on "Prarie Home Companion" a few years ago:


Lamentations of the Father
by Ian Frazier

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room. Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.

---

But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.

Laws When at Table

And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke. Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away. When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you. Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is. And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why. Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.


Laws Pertaining to Dessert

For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof. And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.


On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault. Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you, and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even now I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat of it myself, yet do not die.


Concerning Face and Hands

Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.


Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances

Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, nor against any building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not that humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.


Complaints and Lamentations

O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must do, you argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail; and when I do not accede, you cry out, and hit and kick. Yes, and even sometimes do you spit, and shout "stupid-head" and other blasphemies, and hit and kick the wall and the molding thereof when you are sent to the corner. And though the law teaches that no one shall be sent to the corner for more minutes than he has years of age, yet I would leave you there all day, so mighty am I in anger. But upon being sent to the corner you ask straightaway, "Can I come out?" and I reply, "No, you may not come out." And again you ask, and again I give the same reply. But when you ask again a third time, then you may come out.

Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay again, even to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount higher than before. For our health, that we may be covered, I give six hundred and twenty talents twelve times in a year; but even this covers not the fifteen hundred deductible for each member of the family within a calendar year. And yet for ordinary visits we still are not covered, nor for many medicines, nor for the teeth within our mouths. Guess not at what rage is in my mind, for surely you cannot know.

For I will come to you at the first of the month and at the fifteenth of the month with the bills and a great whining and moan. And when the month of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it, and mourn with wine and ashtrays, and rend my receipts. And you shall remember that I am that I am: before, after, and until you are twenty-one. Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O children of me.


The Atlantic Monthly; February 1997; Volume 279, No. 2; pages 89-90

[timpad]

SECOND BROTHER:
And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.'
And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--

MAYNARD:
Skip a bit, Brother.

SECOND BROTHER:

And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'

MAYNARD:
Amen.

KNIGHTS:
Amen.

ARTHUR:
Right!
One!... Two!... Five!

GALAHAD:
Three, sir!

ARTHUR:
Three!
[angels sing]
[boom]

[4mycountry]

Friday is a day of happiness for every working person. It means that the weekend is about to come, and with it, a little bit of recovery time. But, when Monday comes around, remember... your job could be alot worse.

[anniegetyourgun]

Okay, try as I did, I just can't seem to achieve Friday silliness. I've done Tuesday and Sunday humor, but Friday silliness escapes me. I know it's for men, but if I take Cialis now, can I keep trying this through the weekend?

[diamond6]

Can you post this please, I don't know how:

http://www.csr-networks.com/boobies.gif

[Delta 21]

F O O O S !

[ex-Texan]

Freepers may have some fun with these photos

Why does Kerry have one hand bigger than the other?

Right hand bigger:

Left hand bigger:

LOL, LOL, LOL !

Is Kerry a "shape shifter"?

[M Kehoe]

FREDRIC U. DICKER

IS the name of a NY Post reporter. I also know of a car dearlership called Buster Hyman.

OK, I'm going to step away from the keyboard...

5.56mm