[Ciaphas Cain]

Very vivid and quite beautiful.

[Entropy Squared]

I want to read more.

[TheWriterTX]

Well done.

I was in the zone with you.

[Jeff Chandler]

It was only the slightest whisper on the wind, so faint that she thought she imagined it.

without knowing how, knew that a presence was calling to her.

Eliminate the complementizer that. An editor would tell you that it is stylistic clutter.

Hear how much better your prose flows when you later leave it out:

but somehow she knew she wouldn’t need them.

[Jeff Chandler]

You introduced nine or ten characters, eight places, and an animal in your prologue -- too many to keep track of.

How much of your elaborate description is necessary to the story? Eliminate everything that isn't. "Kill your darlings" (look it up).

[RoosterRedux]

I hesitate to comment since this isn’t my usual genre, but here are my thoughts:

The writing is beautiful and clearly crafted with care. That said, I’d suggest trimming anything not essential to the story and replacing passive voice—and passive tone—with something more active and direct.

One principle I’ve come to appreciate is that a stripped-down style often gives each word more weight. The effect is psychological—like the law of diminishing returns. The more we say, the less each phrase impacts the reader. But when we use fewer words, each one hits harder. It draws the reader in and invites deeper engagement.

There’s real power in what’s implied but left unsaid.

[PubliusMM]

Quite the tale you’ve laid out for us. Excellent!

[Bob434]

The usual advice is “show don’t tell” (when appropriate)

For instance...

You said: A light breeze brought Rhora awake. She was lying in her bed in rich chambers in what used to be Pernil Manor, with a window cracked open to provide fresh, cool air. As she lay there, another breeze, sweet with the aroma of spring, wafted inside. (A lo5 of telling, the reader doesn’t need to know that a cracked open window is for the purpose of bringing fresh air into the room... try to remember as you write that the reader is smart and can figure out things on their own without being told)

Show/tell = A soft breeze nudged Rhora out of her sleep. She blinked, disoriented for a second, swaddled in ridiculous luxury. The window was cracked. Cool air snuck in and made the curtains move in an almost hypnotic little dance. Somewhere out there, spring was in full bloom, sending whiffs of flowers and new grass into the room.

You siad: Rhora gazed at Bhala, who appeared both stern and sorrowful. She tried to think of something to say. The notion of eradicating knowledge must be killing the goddess. It was an affront to everything Bhala stood for.

Show/tell= Rhora stared at Bhala, taking in that weird mix of strict teacher and heartbroken parent on her face. The idea of destroying knowledge was eating her alive. She stood there, eyes searching for answers, trying to figure out what to say.

[Jeff Chandler]

A light breeze brought Rhora awake. She was lying in her bed in rich chambers in what used to be Pernil Manor, with a window cracked open to provide fresh, cool air. As she lay there, another breeze, sweet with the aroma of spring, wafted inside

Rhora lay in her chambers—once Pernil Manor—a window cracked, inviting the cooling breeze. A whisper of air, sweet with the scent of spring, roused her slumber.

[Jeff Chandler]

I use this: https://www.amazon.com/Self-Editing-Fiction-Writers-Second-Yourself-dp-0060545690/dp/0060545690

[Jeff Chandler]

“The only kind of writing is rewriting.”
― Ernest Hemingway, A Moveable Feast

[Wasichu]

Can you add the Writers Guild to the keywords?

[Lazamataz]

A work by Windcatcher to look over!

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