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Mens Rules

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what the hell they’re saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

1. I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape.

Great list to which I'd add:

Sometimes, we'd like a nice home-cooked meal. Really. We work with people all week long. Some evenings or weekends we'd just like to be with you.
Yeah, I remember the wonderful times we had together when we were first married. That included the sex three times per day. Really, is three times per week too much to ask now?
Every little noise at night is not an excuse for you to interrupt what comes naturally to me.
I'd think about sex a whole lot less if I get some once in awhile.
Men who get the real thing from their wife on a regular basis are far less likely to look elsewhere, view porn or otherwise stray from their marital vows.
Don't ask for what you know we can't afford to buy you. Healthy home finances is a cornerstone of a healthy marriage.
We're not perverts because we love seeing you naked, nor because we sometimes expose ourselves to you in private. It is our way of saying in private that you are the most beautiful sexy thing in our lives. Try reciprocating once in awhile.
By the same token, we love it when you initiate sex once in awhile. Ask to feel if we have an erection. Pull our shorts off. Even get on top of us. We may not be in the mood. But this type of thing revs us up and gets us in the mood in short order. We still appreciate it even if there are those occasional times when we can't get hard, put it all the way in or squirt in our usual large quantity of warm sexy cream. Just try again later.
We're simple creatures for the most part. We understand that we need women to help civilize us. Be patient and we'll try to please. Be critical or cold and we will withdraw. That's not a good thing. But you can win us back with a good meal or some of the techniques listed in the previous point.
There are three major reasons which cause marriages to crash and burn. Bickering over finances is number one. If only one spouse can manage finances, let them. If both can, then great-- share it in a responsible manner. If neither can, seek outside help. Reasons #2 and #3 are infidelity and withholding affection. Read points #5 and #8. There are other reasons as well, but these three cover about 70% of them. The other 30% have to do with things like substance abuse, something which can usually be avoided if the top three are in order.

You know, a lot of your rules are reasonable---they pretty much encapsulate the basic truths that women shouldn't try to change their men after marriage, and should show simple consideration to their husbands instead of always making it a he-she battle.

Respect the differences between male and female. Don't try to turn your husband into a pseudo-girlfriend.

Don't let yourself go physically. And men, this goes for YOU, too.

But these?

" We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand."

Not buying it. If after eighteen years of marriage, my husband couldn't remember my birthday or our anniversary, there would be no excuse. He has no problem doing so.

" Check your oil! Please."

Oh, heck no. Forget that. Keeping up the vehicles is his territory. Don't ask me to change the oil, and I won't expect you to do the laundry.