Potential Republican Crack-Up

For the past 20 years, there's been a discussion in political circles and the media about the "fault lines" in the Republican party over the hot-button social issues such as the death penalty, abortion, affirmative action and gay rights.

The presumption has always been that these issues would ultimately cause a rift between conservatives and moderates that would split the Republican coalition. The pundits and the MSM have been expecting and predicting this split for as long as I've been watching politics and they've been puzzled by the fact that it has never occurred.

I believe that the reason that it hasn't occurred is that the underlying assumptions are wrong. There are no "moderate" Republicans. I think Republicans are almost all conservative. Today, there are no Republicans left who are philosophically in line with Nelson Rockefeller, John Anderson, Lowell Weicker or Mark Hatfield. I know that this line of reasoning may be challenged by the Maine & Rhode Island Republican senators but the Republicans in those states (who vote Republican in presidential elections) are conservatives. The New England Republican Senators get elected by appealing to Democrats in overwhelmingly Democratic states.

There were approximately 62 million people who voted for GW Bush in 2004. I believe that probably 61.5 million of those people (1) support the death penalty (2) oppose affirmative action and (3) oppose gay marriage. I also believe that an equally high percentage of Bush voters (even those who are pro-choice) believe that the Roe v. Wade case was a hideous decision.

Pro-choice Republicans also are aware of the dirty little secret of the abortion debate -- which is that even if Roe v. Wade were overturned tomorrow, there would probably be no effect... There are probably no more than 7 - 9 states where abortion would actually be outlawed and there are currently few (or no) abortion doctors practicing in those states today anyway. Overall, the number of abortions occurring in the next ten years would only be affected by 1% or less if Roe v. Wade were reversed.

So this is, I believe, why the Republican coalition never cracked or splintered. It has confounded and infuriated the opposition but the Republican coalition really never had the fault lines that so many people thought it had.

However, I now think that one may be developing. The impending divisions in the Republican party won't be "moderate" vs. "conservative". It will be "evangelical conservative" vs. "non evangelical conservative". The issues that cause the breach won't be abortion, the death penalty, gay marriage or affirmative action. Instead the divisions will be caused over: (1) stem cell research, (2) evolution and (3) the Terri Schiavo case.

I think that 25 years from now, we'll all look back on the Terri Schiavo case as a cataclysmic event in American politics. There were tens of millions of people who looked at the pictures of Terri Schiavo and thought just one thing: "My god, if that ever happens to me, pull the plug, stop the feeding or do whatever it takes to finish me off."

At the time many Republican leaders spoke of the fact that this was a unique case but the tone of the debate both in and out of the media was that this was essentially a first step.

I remember that pro-Brady Bill and pro-Assault weapons ban politicians repeatedly assured the public that this wouldn't mean banning guns while activists and media pundits indicated that this was a first step towards doing so.

With the Terri Schiavo case, activists -- evangelicals --similarly didn't view this as a unique case but as a first step towards preventing feeding tube or life support removal in any case regardless of living wills or not.

This had an effect on non-evangelical Republicans or "secular Republicans" . . . By itself, I don't think that it would be enough to cause a breach but this isn't just one issue. The other issues that are occurring at the same time are an inexplicable renewed debate over evolution and the stem cell research debate.

With regard to the former, there's no polite or nice way to put it so I'll just be direct. People who believe in evolution think that people who don't believe in evolution are idiots -- pure and simple. The perception that an evolution believer has of a non-evolution believer is of a person saying, "Duh, my grandfather wasn't no ape."

Secular Republicans look at people who publicly discuss their doubts about evolution and who don't want it taught in public schools with utter disgust.

With regard to stem cell research, secular Republicans are excited at the prospects and supportive of practically any scientific research and they simmer at the thought of obstruction of research on religious grounds.

These three issues: evolution, Terri Schiavo and stem cell research are close to causing (or may have already caused) an irrepairable breach in the Republican coalition.

I'm a conservative. I believed in a 2nd war against in Iraq to remove the regime of Saddam Hussein as early as 1998. I also believe in making the '01 & '03 tax cuts permanent; drilling in anwar; that members of al Qaeda who are captured are illegal soldiers and not entitled to due process. I believe in progressive indexing of SS benefits, support the confirmation of John Roberts, think Antonin Scalia is the ideal justice and favor ballistic missile defense.

I also support the death penalty, oppose affirmative action, oppose gay marriage and think that the Roe v. Wade decision was a farce. I could go on but the point is made -- I'm a conservative....

But, I also accept the truth that the human species has a pre-history and I support stem cell research and I think that keeping Terri Schiavo's existance without life going was cruel and sadistic. That feeding tube should've never been inserted 14 years ago.

As a result of all of this, I now find myself in a position that I would have never dreamed of 5 or 10 years ago which is that I object to Hillary Clinton far, far less than I object to Tom Delay. Or Rick Santorum. Or Sam Brownback. Or Tom Tancredi.

Hopefully, Rudy Guiliani will be the nominee in '08 and make this all a moot point but if he isn't then I'm confronted with the possibility that I'll probably vote for Hillary Clinton despite the fact that she stands against so much that I believe in.

If there are others like me out there, and I think there are, then get ready for a 2nd Clinton Administration.

I did it!

by Matt Blair & Justin Skinner

Hey, buddy! Canada here! We were all really excited when we heard aboot all you Democrats moving up here after the Christian Conservatives took over your country.

But it's been like a month, now, eh? We figured maybe you got stuck in traffic at first. But now we think maybe you're not coming after all. We wouldn't want to be pushy or anything, but have you given us a fair shot?

Even though we're right next door, most Americans don't know anything aboot Canada. (And we're cool with that. We wouldn't want to impose. We're probably not that interesting anyway. How are you doing?)

The truth is, though, Canada has a lot to offer an American Liberal. Check it out:

Canada: Your Liberal Valhalla

Worried about the erosion of your civil liberties under the Patriot Act? In Canada, we protect the privacy of our citizens. Not because it's illegal—we just think it's polite to mind our own business.

Not that it matters anyway, because it's almost impossible to commit a crime here! Check out all the great stuff that you can get away with!

Drugs
Prescriptions and over-the-counter remedies are as plentiful as snow and mittens here. One of our beers is like ten of your beers! Even marijuana is legal. Not heroin or anything—but if that's a dealbreaker for you, we could probably make it legal within the year.

Welfare
If you're out of work, we'll help you out with the rent. If you're disabled, we'll help you lead a normal life. If you're lazy and just don't feel like getting a job, we'll probably look the other way. Alright!

Naked Breasts
We're not even joking—you can totally walk around topless. Not that anybody ever does, of course, other than hairy old men. It's freezing up here, for God's sake. Actually, as long as you're coming to Canada, do you think you could bring some of those girls who went wild along with you?

Same-Sex Marriages
Finally, you and your same-sex partner won't have to live in sin. Worried that Jesus might disapprove? Forget about it, buddy! In Canada, we've forsaken god!

Abortion
Abortion isn't just legal in Canada—it's mandatory for every Canadian girl on her 16th birthday. Plus, with every abortion you get a free dinner for two coupon at Appleby's.

Late Fees
Don't want to return that video on time? Keep it an extra week! Who's going to get in your face about it? Some Canadian?

Geography

Most Americans assume Canada is a barren snow-covered wasteland. And it is! That's why most Canadians live at the very bottom of it—think of us as spooning with America for warmth!

Coldness of Canada

Just insanely, insanely cold
Very cold
Cold

Population of Canada

Nobody lives here
A few idiots live here
Everybody lives here

So: say you're going to move to Canada after all. Have you thought about which part? Did you know that Canada even has different parts? Probably not. And we're totally okay with that. That's why we've given you the quickest possible overview below. We're very sorry to take up so much of your time with this:

The Part Where
No one Lives
Think: barren wasteland
Populated by: several lunatics
West Coast
Think: LA, minus the Mexicans and with more hash
Populated by: pot-smoking hackysack enthusiasts
The Prairies
Think: the Bible belt, but duller
Populated by: shotgun-toting, rodeo-loving cowboys
Ontario
Think: private school kids with public school educations
Populated by: Upwardly mobile Canadians, which is even less impressive than it sounds
Quebec
Think: France, except closer and more difficult to ignore
Populated by: French people, sadly
The Maritimes
Think: Ireland with lobsters
Populated by: drunk, out of work little people

Free Healthcare, eh!

One of the few things that actually interest Americans about Canada is our free healthcare. But most Americans don't really know how it works. How does it work?

Through Communism!

Canadians pay a preposterously high amount of tax on every single thing we buy. The government takes half of everybody's paycheck and taxes all of our products. Canadians put all our money in a jar. If one of us gets sick, the medical bills get paid from that jar. It's sort of like a lottery. If you get cancer, you win!

Even after the government takes all of our money, though, free healthcare is still too expensive to maintain. To help out, Canada pays our doctors about the same as we pay our garbagemen. This ensures that our prices stay low, and also that our best doctors move to America. Ever worked at a company that was so incompetently run that all the talented people left, and the only people who stuck around were the ones who couldn't get a job anywhere else? Now imagine all those people with stethoscopes!

On the bright side, just about every medical procedure, physical therapy or unnecessary surgery you can imagine is free. If it itches, we'll scratch it. If you want a haircut, our doctors will do it with a smile. Our doctors are even obligated to give you a foot massage if you ask. It doesn't even matter what else they might be doing at the time; they are federally mandated to drop everything. And let me tell you, they are heavenly!

Language

Most of Canada speaks English, though there are subtle differences between Canadian and American English. For instance:

You Say... We Say...
About Aboot

Soda Pop

Canadian Bacon Bacon

Grits Vomit

Baseball Hockey

Basketball Hockey

Football Hockey

War Hockey

Freedom Warmongering

Canada's other official language is French, though only a small portion of the population speaks it. For those of you who are—rightfully— wary of the French, they're easy to spot even when they aren't speaking. They're the ones who smell like cheese and for whom the rest of Canada is perpetually apologizing.

Currency

Canadian money isn't worth as much as real American money. Our dollar is worth roughly 83 American cents. Of course, that number's going up all the time, thanks to the global stock market's complete lack of confidence in the American economy. Which is bad news for your country, but what the hell do you care? You're a Canadian now! Start reaping the slight and temporary economic benefits!

Another thing that we've got here is jobs, and plenty of them! And not just moose herding and snow shoveling jobs, but several real jobs in modern industries. No matter what your skills or ambitions, you can come to Canada and fulfill your potential in the career of your choice. Not that you even have to—did we mention our awesome welfare system? You can stay at home and watch imported American television all day for all we care!

Holidays

Canadians have the exact same holidays as America, just at different times. For instance, you celebrate Thanksgiving in November. We celebrate it in October. At Christmastime, Americans worship Santa Claus and offer gifts to appease him. In Canada, it's the same ceremony, except that we worship Ba'al.

Conclusion

Canada has been painted by some conservatives as a modern-day Gomorrah. We don't have the Bible up here though, so we don't really have any idea what that means. Either way, don't believe them—we're a very courteous and polite people. Remember when Michael Moore visited Canada in Bowling for Columbine and found a nation of fun-loving, trusting people who don't carry guns and never lock their doors? Well, like everything in every Michael Moore film, that depiction was completely accurate, unbiased, and in no way skewed to serve his argument. It just so happens that we are that easy-going and polite. Oh, and all of the stuff you've heard about snowshoes, Eskimos and beavers is true too. I mean, what the hell, right?

In the end, Canadian culture isn't all that different from American culture. In fact, we enjoy many of your cultural exports! We read your books, watch your television shows, listen to your records, and eat your snack foods. Basically, coming to Canada is like going on vacation in a foreign country, and spending the whole week in your hotel room watching pay-per-view American movies. Except with a lot less nudity and foul language, because it's way too cold and we're far too polite.

See you soon, eh!

http://www.nationallampoon.com/nl/08_features/Canada/Canada.asp

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