Posted on 07/31/2005 1:19:25 PM PDT by KMB
I did it!
by Matt Blair & Justin Skinner
Hey, buddy! Canada here! We were all really excited when we heard aboot all you Democrats moving up here after the Christian Conservatives took over your country.
But it's been like a month, now, eh? We figured maybe you got stuck in traffic at first. But now we think maybe you're not coming after all. We wouldn't want to be pushy or anything, but have you given us a fair shot?
Even though we're right next door, most Americans don't know anything aboot Canada. (And we're cool with that. We wouldn't want to impose. We're probably not that interesting anyway. How are you doing?)
The truth is, though, Canada has a lot to offer an American Liberal. Check it out:
Canada: Your Liberal Valhalla
Worried about the erosion of your civil liberties under the Patriot Act? In Canada, we protect the privacy of our citizens. Not because it's illegal—we just think it's polite to mind our own business.
Not that it matters anyway, because it's almost impossible to commit a crime here! Check out all the great stuff that you can get away with!
Drugs
Prescriptions and over-the-counter remedies are as plentiful as snow and mittens here. One of our beers is like ten of your beers! Even marijuana is legal. Not heroin or anything—but if that's a dealbreaker for you, we could probably make it legal within the year.
Welfare
If you're out of work, we'll help you out with the rent. If you're disabled, we'll help you lead a normal life. If you're lazy and just don't feel like getting a job, we'll probably look the other way. Alright!
Naked Breasts
We're not even joking—you can totally walk around topless. Not that anybody ever does, of course, other than hairy old men. It's freezing up here, for God's sake. Actually, as long as you're coming to Canada, do you think you could bring some of those girls who went wild along with you?
Same-Sex Marriages
Finally, you and your same-sex partner won't have to live in sin. Worried that Jesus might disapprove? Forget about it, buddy! In Canada, we've forsaken god!
Abortion
Abortion isn't just legal in Canada—it's mandatory for every Canadian girl on her 16th birthday. Plus, with every abortion you get a free dinner for two coupon at Appleby's.
Late Fees
Don't want to return that video on time? Keep it an extra week! Who's going to get in your face about it? Some Canadian?
Geography
Most Americans assume Canada is a barren snow-covered wasteland. And it is! That's why most Canadians live at the very bottom of it—think of us as spooning with America for warmth!
Coldness of Canada
Just insanely, insanely cold
Very cold
Cold
Population of Canada
Nobody lives here
A few idiots live here
Everybody lives here
So: say you're going to move to Canada after all. Have you thought about which part? Did you know that Canada even has different parts? Probably not. And we're totally okay with that. That's why we've given you the quickest possible overview below. We're very sorry to take up so much of your time with this:
The Part Where
No one Lives
Think: barren wasteland
Populated by: several lunatics
West Coast
Think: LA, minus the Mexicans and with more hash
Populated by: pot-smoking hackysack enthusiasts
The Prairies
Think: the Bible belt, but duller
Populated by: shotgun-toting, rodeo-loving cowboys
Ontario
Think: private school kids with public school educations
Populated by: Upwardly mobile Canadians, which is even less impressive than it sounds
Quebec
Think: France, except closer and more difficult to ignore
Populated by: French people, sadly
The Maritimes
Think: Ireland with lobsters
Populated by: drunk, out of work little people
Free Healthcare, eh!
One of the few things that actually interest Americans about Canada is our free healthcare. But most Americans don't really know how it works. How does it work?
Through Communism!
Canadians pay a preposterously high amount of tax on every single thing we buy. The government takes half of everybody's paycheck and taxes all of our products. Canadians put all our money in a jar. If one of us gets sick, the medical bills get paid from that jar. It's sort of like a lottery. If you get cancer, you win!
Even after the government takes all of our money, though, free healthcare is still too expensive to maintain. To help out, Canada pays our doctors about the same as we pay our garbagemen. This ensures that our prices stay low, and also that our best doctors move to America. Ever worked at a company that was so incompetently run that all the talented people left, and the only people who stuck around were the ones who couldn't get a job anywhere else? Now imagine all those people with stethoscopes!
On the bright side, just about every medical procedure, physical therapy or unnecessary surgery you can imagine is free. If it itches, we'll scratch it. If you want a haircut, our doctors will do it with a smile. Our doctors are even obligated to give you a foot massage if you ask. It doesn't even matter what else they might be doing at the time; they are federally mandated to drop everything. And let me tell you, they are heavenly!
Language
Most of Canada speaks English, though there are subtle differences between Canadian and American English. For instance:
You Say... We Say...
About Aboot
Soda Pop
Canadian Bacon Bacon
Grits Vomit
Baseball Hockey
Basketball Hockey
Football Hockey
War Hockey
Freedom Warmongering
Canada's other official language is French, though only a small portion of the population speaks it. For those of you who are—rightfully— wary of the French, they're easy to spot even when they aren't speaking. They're the ones who smell like cheese and for whom the rest of Canada is perpetually apologizing.
Currency
Canadian money isn't worth as much as real American money. Our dollar is worth roughly 83 American cents. Of course, that number's going up all the time, thanks to the global stock market's complete lack of confidence in the American economy. Which is bad news for your country, but what the hell do you care? You're a Canadian now! Start reaping the slight and temporary economic benefits!
Another thing that we've got here is jobs, and plenty of them! And not just moose herding and snow shoveling jobs, but several real jobs in modern industries. No matter what your skills or ambitions, you can come to Canada and fulfill your potential in the career of your choice. Not that you even have to—did we mention our awesome welfare system? You can stay at home and watch imported American television all day for all we care!
Holidays
Canadians have the exact same holidays as America, just at different times. For instance, you celebrate Thanksgiving in November. We celebrate it in October. At Christmastime, Americans worship Santa Claus and offer gifts to appease him. In Canada, it's the same ceremony, except that we worship Ba'al.
Conclusion
Canada has been painted by some conservatives as a modern-day Gomorrah. We don't have the Bible up here though, so we don't really have any idea what that means. Either way, don't believe them—we're a very courteous and polite people. Remember when Michael Moore visited Canada in Bowling for Columbine and found a nation of fun-loving, trusting people who don't carry guns and never lock their doors? Well, like everything in every Michael Moore film, that depiction was completely accurate, unbiased, and in no way skewed to serve his argument. It just so happens that we are that easy-going and polite. Oh, and all of the stuff you've heard about snowshoes, Eskimos and beavers is true too. I mean, what the hell, right?
In the end, Canadian culture isn't all that different from American culture. In fact, we enjoy many of your cultural exports! We read your books, watch your television shows, listen to your records, and eat your snack foods. Basically, coming to Canada is like going on vacation in a foreign country, and spending the whole week in your hotel room watching pay-per-view American movies. Except with a lot less nudity and foul language, because it's way too cold and we're far too polite.
See you soon, eh!
http://www.nationallampoon.com/nl/08_features/Canada/Canada.asp
..............................
"How about THAT ????"
Yeah, about that? What does it mean? LOL!
We moved so fast I didn't get a chance to check out the kitchen beforehand, so I'll go there in a while and see if I can rustle up something to make some brownies with. I'm not sure how to make and industrial sized recipe for them, but it can't be too difficult...
(I hope)
Gasp. How many of us are there? Many? Or do we just eat alot of brownies per person?
LOL!
Thanks!
Do you have a 4th of July in Canada?
Um...quite a few and yes.
We always have unannounced visitors, so it would be nice to have something to eat with the beer...until the BBQ is ready, that is.
;o]
Yes, once every year , right after the 3rd of July. /smirk - sorry ;-)
We celebrate July 1st, as Canada's birthday. If you ever get a chance you should spend one July 1st downtown on the streets of Ottawa....it's a blast. :-)
I was hoping you weren't as observant as you were.
Just one of my many curses.
OTOH, it was a very fair question coming from someone who celebrates the 4th.
I secretly celebrate the 4th too.
I have to admit, fireworks are addictive.
I like chocolate with beer. It's an acquired taste, I'll admit, and I prefer the dark chocolate.
:o]
Good day all.......I have to get some chores done, get ready for tomorrow.
Thanks for the nice visit.
Chocolate and fireworks,...that's my kind of evening!
I may get on line later...if not, sweet dreams.
It's good to see you again! Glad you could visit for a while! Take care!
You too!
Okers.
I head out in a bit for my eyeball test appointment.
"Yup, you have eyes!"
*snicker*
Take care in case I don't get back on later myself.
Really hungry today, huh?
600
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