1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
5. Always remember to pillage before you burn.
6. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8. If "clothes maketh the man" then it follows that naked people have little or no influence on society.
9. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving to where you can't find them.
10. The law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
11. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
12. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
13. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
14. The facts, although interesting, are usually irrelevant.
15. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
16. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
17. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
18. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
19. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
20. If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame.
21. One-seventh of life is spent on Monday.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. This is as bad as it can get -- but don't bet on it.
24. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty but only the pig enjoys it.
25. The trouble with life is that you are halfway through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.
26. Drink varnish and you'll have a lovely finish.
27. We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark, but the tragedy of life is that most people are afraid of the light.
28. If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?
29. Employ teenagers - while they know everything.
30. The best antiques are old friends.
31. Down with gravity!
32. Nobody's perfect and since I'm nobody...
33. People who eat natural foods die from natural causes.
34. Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
35. Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.
36. Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind then it really doesn't matter.
37. A friend in need may turn out to be a nuisance.
38. When the cat's away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.
39. An expert is nothing more than an ordinary person away from home.
40. If you can't be kind, be vague.