Free Republic

· WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden has called on Americans to refrain from cooking with gas stoves for the next two weeks to help "flatten the curve". "It's real simple, folks," said President Biden. "These gas stoves have brought upon us a terrible pandemic of asthma, brain damage, and scurvy! Now folks, I still believe in America. I believe we can beat these stoves! And it starts with us coming together to flatten the curve of, you know, the thing! For just two weeks, America! Not a joke!" In addition to the two week ban on gas stoves, the...

U.S. — Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin has officially reversed the COVID vaccine requirement for the military, as it is no longer needed now that all the Conservatives have been weeded out. "This vaccine was a great success in helping us eliminate anyone who valued freedom, thought critically, or voted Republican," said Austin. "Now that those pesky conservatives have been forcibly removed from our military, we can finally move forward in our sacred mission of promoting diversity, equity, and inclusion around the world! Also, bombing kids in Yemen. Can't forget that." Authorities at the Pentagon are now confident they have...