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Geneva, Switzerland–New guidelines set down by the international community during the fifth Geneva Convention this week has extensively defined the basic, spiritual wartime rights of the Church Militant by outlawing all Marty Haugen music used in and around war-zones. What is officially being called The Geneva Convention relative to the Protection of Parishioners in Times of Spiritual War has become the fifth convention establishing the standards on international law for the humanitarian treatment of spiritual war. “Our new resolution states that all Catholics who are in the process of spiritual warfare are to be treated humanely,” Said General of the Counsel...

“The only question that remains is what name he shall take.”VATICAN CITY–The Italian Newspaper La Rupubblica is reporting today that a member of the Vatican Curia confirmed to them that, barring a shocking upset, the former head of the Los Angeles Diocese Cardinal Roger Mahony has all but locked up his spot as the Catholic Church’s 266th Bishop of Rome. “An anonymous member of the Curia has revealed to us that the gay lobby working within the Vatican is now lobbying for Cardinal Mahony to succeed Benedict. They believe he is best suited for the job,” a reporter for La Repubblica, Luigi Rossi, told reporters. “When we asked the Curia member how...

San Diego, CA–It was officially announced today that after 25 years, the largest lay-run Catholic apostolate for evangelization and apologetics in the United States Catholic Answers is closing its doors for good this May. The decision to shut down the apostolate was revealed on a live broadcast of The World Over with Raymond Arroyo last week when, during the break, Catholic Answers Founder and President Karl Keating was caught on a hot mic saying, “Honestly, though, I’m kinda over it. I mean, how many times during Lent do I have to be asked whether frog legs are considered meat?” 63-year-old...

Spokane, Washington–Expressing sadness for the lack of attention from parishioners during Sunday Masses, Gonzaga University priest Fr. John Conti has recently instituted an all new ”Text-Message-Only Mass.” The Gonzaga graduate who just celebrated his 15th anniversary of priesthood told reporters that the idea came to him as he sat listening to the deacon read the epistle. “I looked out and saw all these college kids reading texts messages on their phones,” Conti said. ”That’s when I knew the Church needed to catch up or risk being left behind, so to speak. So I figured, heck, if they’re already on their...

ROME–Executives from CBS confirmed Wednesday that Chief Executive Officer of The One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church Pope Francis would be appearing in this season’s finale of the hit television show Undercover Boss. The finale, slated to appear in late May, will feature the Pontiff taking on an alias and fictional backstory as he navigates his way through different parts of the Vatican in an attempt to investigate the inner workings of the Curia. Series Creator and Producer Stephen Lambert told Eye of the Tiber that it was one of the most difficult episodes he’s ever worked on. “Usually it’s the CEO of 1-800-FLOWERS or something, so it’s typically a lot easier...

Washington, DC–A spokesman for the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops announced today that beginning tomorrow on the Feast of the Ascension of the Lord, every holyday of obligation listed on the Liturgical Calender, including Sundays, would from here on be deferred to Easter. The announcement came as welcomed news to many Catholics who found the near-impossible obligations imposed on them by their bishops simply too difficult to fulfil. Spokesman for the USCCB Sister Maxine Howard told the press this morning that the removal of nearly every obligatory holyday was a long time coming. “This will most certainly come as a relief to many Catholics who were falling into sin because of unfeasible Church requirements.”...

Washington, DC––Members of the pro-life movement have denounced House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi after remarks that she, as a Catholic, viewed the protection of the sacrifice of virgins during Black Masses as sacred ground. “As a practicing and respectful Catholic, this is sacred ground to me when we talk about this,” Pelosi said in a statement last week, going on to say that the subject of sacrificing the life of a worthy virgin pleasing to the Dark Lord as deeply personal to priests and priestesses performing the sacred ritual. Leading Catholics were quick to denounce Pelosi’s statements, including Thomas Peters of Catholicvote.org who called...

Cincinnati, OH––Catholic book publisher and distributer Franciscan Media announced today that their new non-confrontational translation of the Bible will be released sometime this September. Franciscan Media executive Roger Hammond told the press this week that he hopes the new translation helps to appease the minds of critics that have long called the Bible violent and judgmental. “It took close to a decade to complete this ambitious translation, and we’re confident it’ll help people better understand the all-encompassing compassion contained within the scriptures. Hammond goes on to explain one of the most riveting scenes in the New Testament where Jesus, after having overturned the...