Free Republic

NEW YORK CITY, NY — Former President Donald Trump made sure members of the jury in the Stormy Daniels hush money trial knew the adult film actress was much much hotter when he first met her. "She was an eight or a nine back then, let me tell you," Trump explained to members of the jury. "Now she's a bit of a dog; Dogface Daniels, that's what they call her. But not when I met her, I would never touch a dog, not a dog guy. Not that I did touch her…but if I had…she was smokin'. Don't know what...

U.S. — New research has discovered that women will throw their support behind any cause, no matter how violent and sexist, as long as they get to wear a scarf. "So, let me get this straight: this cause treats women as property, believes raping women an acceptable form of violence, and vows to murder innocent civilians - but I get to wear a scarf?" asked local college student Danielle Walker. "That sounds amazing! Sign me up!" Though researchers had posited that women would be turned off to a cause where men take videos of themselves butchering children, they were surprised...

U.S. — Following the revelation that a deadly parasite was once removed from his skull, political experts were shocked to learn that the dead worm found in Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.'s brain was already polling higher than Joe Biden in 11 states. The latest poll results indicated a large portion of the electorate had abandoned Biden in favor of the deceased parasite that had previously been lodged in RFK Jr.'s brain, leaving the White House scrambling to formulate a strategy to combat the dead worm. "We weren't expecting to see numbers like these," said one high-ranking Biden campaign strategist under...

KYIV — In a televised address, President Volodymyr Zelensky of Ukraine claimed to have survived a harrowing assassination attempt and would be happy to disclose the thrilling details for a paltry 45 billion dollars. "I almost died," Zelensky reported. "And for the low price of 45 billion dollars, I will tell you all about it." "I promise you, it's very exciting!" The White House confirmed that President Biden telephoned Zelensky immediately, eager for the gritty details, but could not pry further information from Zelensky. "I'd love to tell you, friend, but I'm afraid news about my assassination attempt is exclusive...

U.S. — A new wave of controversy erupted as 12 women came forward alleging they had been sexually assaulted by whoever Trump's vice presidential pick would end up being. The damning allegations began to come in despite the fact that Trump has yet to officially name a running mate or even disclose whether the pick is a man or a woman. Sources confirmed at least a dozen highly credible accusers emerged to demand justice against whoever the VP candidate might be. "Whoever the VP pick is, I am here to tell my story of how I was inappropriately touched by...

I cannot think of anything in comedy in my lifetime more deeply meaningful to me than Babylon Bee. There was Mark Twain. Who agrees? Who believes that the Bee's Trump Bible is sacrilegious?

U.S. — Forbes has released its newest list of "Most Desirable Employee Candidates", which saw Ivy League graduates slip down just below carnies and the people who wash car windows at stoplights. "We surveyed the top 500 companies in the United States," explained lead author Dan Rollins. "Employers consistently stated they would pass over a Harvard or Columbia grad for a guy with two years of experience operating a Tilt-A-Whirl. It's been quite a shift." According to Rollins, most CEOs stated they wouldn't even bother interviewing an Ivy League grad if they had the option to hire a four-year carnie...

U.S. — A group of devout Christian missionaries has arrived all the way from Africa to reach the United Methodist Church and tell them about the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Upon hearing of the UMC's beliefs on life and social issues, a group of African believers felt a strong prodding from the Holy Spirit to venture into an entirely foreign culture and bring the Gospel to a dark and godless place. "If we do not go, who will?" asked Abosede Adeyemi, a Nigerian Christian burdened to reach lost Americans. "These United Methodists are in urgent need of the Good News....

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Democrats across the country embroiled in vicious infighting, antisemitism, and takeovers of college campuses, Republicans have decided to remedy their impending victory by attacking the First Amendment. "We realized that things were going well for us, so we took corrective action immediately," said Mike Johnson, while at the bank cashing his latest check from a Ukrainian lobbyist. "We thought: 'What can we do that will immediately enrage our most loyal voters while simultaneously preventing the self-destruction of the Democrat Party?' Of course, the most obvious choice was to pass a law against free speech. Mission accomplished!"...

Local baby Oliver Daniels patiently waited to be completely strapped in his car seat before unleashing Armageddon in his diaper. "That's it Mommy, one more buckle," snickered Oliver as he readied to unload. "Come on now, let's get just barely out of the driveway, and... it's show time!" According to sources, six-month old Oliver knew from the time he woke up that morning that an epic blowout was in store. "It was a question of when, not if," explained Oliver. "I spent the whole night before slamming pouches of mixed fruits and veggies. Then, I heard Mommy say we were...

COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY — History has again repeated itself as communism once again devolved into mass starvation. The commies at Columbia University lasted less than twelve hours before running out of food and pleading for humanitarian aid, setting a new record for the collapse of communist food supply. "Okay, time-out on the intifada revolution, we're out of pizza rolls," said Tara Gentry-Smith, protest organizer and self-proclaimed commie. "I'm going to go see if the people we just assaulted will send us some DoorDash. Ugh, why are we always running out of food?" Communist protestors had barricaded themselves in buildings over the...

President Joe Biden made significant changes to Title IX last week, expanding the definition of the word "woman" to an emoji of someone shrugging followed by a pride flag. There were other changes, however, that flew under the radar. The Babylon Bee has compiled the following comprehensive list of Title IX changes imposed by the Biden administration: Every women's bathroom must now have glitter dispensers for drag queens: It's always important to freshen up with new glitter after a trip to the restroom. Breastfeeding in public is outlawed as it may make trans women feel inadequate: Making the men...

RAFAH — Hamas has issued a statement of thanks to American university students for their unwavering support over the past few weeks, promising that, in return, the deaths of university students in the coming global intifada would be relatively quick and painless. "Our cold hearts have been warmed by the unquestioning loyalty of American college students," said Hamas spokesman Muhammed Muhammed Al-Muhammed Muhammed to reporters. "As a token of our gratitude, we will shoot you and blow you up instead of cutting your heads off while raping you when we globalize our glorious intifada and cleanse the world of all...

BOSTON, MA — A frantic Harvard student realized this week he'd been so busy harassing Jewish students on campus that he'd forgotten to write his final term paper on the importance of inclusion. "Oh, man! I was so busy painting ‘Death to Jews' on the doors to the Ethics and Inclusion department that I totally forgot to write my big term paper on how essential inclusion and tolerance are to our society!" Harvard student Todd Davies told reporters. "I mean, with all the hate directed at DEI programs these days, writing a paper about the need to be inclusive was...

Have you ever noticed that Joe Biden has a funny way of speaking? From his endearing way of retelling events that never happened to his uncanny ability to make up new words on the spot, it's a fascinating testament to his abilities as a communicator. If only other presidents throughout history could do the same thing!The Babylon Bee is here to provide the following glimpse at what it would have been like if other presidents spoke like Joe Biden:"Four score and seven… eight hundred… sixty-five million… billion million… years… anyway…": Honest Abe spitting numbers Joe Biden style is how it...

NEW YORK, NY — In the wake of ongoing anti-Israel protests that have engulfed the school's campus, Columbia University announced it has switched to online classes so Jewish students can participate from the attics where they are hiding. The school's leadership met earlier in the week to discuss options that would ease tensions on campus and allow Jewish students to continue their education without leaving the safety of the attics where they have been forced to take refuge from rampant antisemitism among large pockets of the student body. "I'm glad I can still do my coursework," one Jewish student said...

HILLSDALE, MI — As aggressive, threatening mobs of students continued to gather at Columbia University, Hillsdale College once again proudly reported no violent antisemitic protests for the 180th year in a row. "We're keeping the streak alive," said a Hillsdale spokesperson. "While other schools struggle to make it through a single semester without violent antisemitic mobs taking over portions of the campus, Hillsdale is still adhering to the tried and true method of just, you know, teaching students about various subjects pertaining to their areas of study." The historic achievement has amazed faculty at other schools. "I don't know how...

NEW YORK, NY — As pro-Palestine groups continued to gather on campus following the establishment of the Gaza Solidarity Encampment, Columbia University protestors clarified that they only want "Death to America" after America is done paying their student loans for them. "Death to America… in like, 3 or 4 years when I graduate!" shouted one student protestor. "America truly is the ‘Great Satan' that ravages and oppresses other countries and deserves to be wiped off the face of the earth…as soon as the American taxpayers finish paying off our tuition loans! "But as soon as that's done, then, yeah, totally,...

To show that his side is the side of sanity, logic, and rationality, a local man has decided to set himself ablaze, incinerating his own body on live TV. Eyewitnesses report that the man, who was clearly in a healthy, stable state of mind, doused himself in gasoline before striking a match and igniting his own body, presumably for a very sane and noble reason. As flames engulfed him, onlookers were immediately convinced of the truth of his cause, ending all debate once and for all. "Well, I guess that settles that. He's right and I'm wrong," said local man...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — As part of their mission to combat misinformation online and ensure accuracy of what people read, Snopes journalists announced plans to personally fact-check the entire San Francisco Poop Map. The initiative will allow Snopes to judge the legitimacy of user-reported sightings of human feces strewn along the city's roadways and provide residents with reliable information on the locations of publicly deposited poo. "Confirming the existence of reported dumps is important," said Snopes journalist Fred Larkin. "We simply cannot allow false reports of human waste to be propagated across social media. There are a lot of people...