Nudes, Nuts & Democrat Bake Sales

The Newhall Signal ^ | Febuary 20, 2003 | John Boston

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"A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel." - Robert Frost

Much to the dismay of many of my fellow SClarita members of the Grand Old Party, I am a conservative, card-carrying Republican.

This surprises many. I get booed from time to time because I throw pies at my own. I point out that most of the Republicans I know are 19th hole posers, mountebanks and bag men and that our perfectly good political party hasn't had a decent candidate since Teddy Roosevelt.

But a friend of mine sent me a fax the other day. It pretty much reminded me why I am a Republican, albeit a reluctant one. I am a Republican because the only viable choice of being a Democrat seems so fatally comic.

The fax was from the UCLA Republican Club. It was to announce their Affirmative Action bake sale. The event was designed to be a theater of the absurd tribute to the recent stand by the University of Michigan to allow or deny entrance based almost primarily on race.

The case is up before the Supreme Court and there they will decide if the United States shall not discriminate against a person based on their race, color, or creed, unless, of course, that person is white, male, Jewish or Asian. It seems UM gleefully hands out admissions based more on skin hue than GPA. For example, on the Michigan entrance exam, one gets 40 automatic points for being poor and black and just 12 for getting a perfect score on their SATS.

So. In the spirit of left wing campus politics, the UCLA GOPers announced in their press release: "The Bruin Republicans will be selling cookies from Diddy Riese, a Westwood favorite, under the following price structure: Black, Hispanic and American Indian Females - 25 cents; Black, Hispanic, and American Indian Males - 50 cents; White Females - $1. White Males and Asian Americans - $2."

As a political satirist, I am most torn by this announcement. On one hand, this is absolutely hilarious. It accurately paints the left as the comic, pouting, foul-crying, bureaucratic Harpies they are.

On the other hand, the event is so perfectly ridiculous, there's no place to go to satirize it.

What happened to the Democrats?

What happened to that wonderful political party with the can-do attitude, with the vision of an equal America? Just when did they morph into the current lower-lip dragging collection of clowns, caricatures, shrill victims and Phil Donahue?

(I wouldn't get too smug if I were a Republican. The flip side to that coin is a cold heart, tin ear and snide, knowing smile.)

I'm not one for big swings of the pendulum. I am aware, in my own life and surroundings, of the existence of hypocrisy and racism. But it seems that hypocrisy and racism have now become major planks of the party of Truman, Kennedy and FDR.

You know what one of my major gripes is about the anti-war protests over American involvement in a war on Iraq?

It's not the protests.

I truly do applaud those people who, in their heart of hearts, are exercising their simple blessing of being an American. They get to shout to the heavens their beliefs. But do you know what absolutely fries me?

Where were these self-appointed angels of human rights when Saddam Hussein and his Ba'ath Party were butchering tens of thousands of Kurds?

It was a sickening genocide.

No parades down Broadway to cry foul. (No parades of protest in Cairo or Mecca, either.)

Infants curled up in their mothers' arms, lying in the Northern Iraqi dirt, frozen in that final spasm of choking.

No beautiful show business people shouting slogans of indignation into the free publicity of the television cameras.

Saddam Hussein gloats how he will kill his own people and lay waste to his country. Years earlier, the United States and United Nations were guilty of the evil act of walking away from the Gulf War and causing the mass murder of the Kurds.

But there were no organized guitar concerts and anti-war ballads to rail against that genocide.

Where the hell were the two-fingered peace slogans and protests in front of the United Nations when the men, women and babies of Northern Iraq were being slaughtered by chemical weapons? What forces of nature were at work to flower such coffee shop bravado and bring into bloom the hypocritical, and whimsical, passive aggression of the left?

There are so many good fights to be fought by the liberal arm of this wonderful country. For the last two decades at least, it seems the Democrats have stitched an insane quilt of extreme special interest and have become the party of the Free Meal.

I know the automatic response by heart.

It's the same response my party spews.

Without taking even a nanosecond of self-reflection, both parties will automatically recite the same, tired talk show mantras of "What about them?" or "He started it!"

I hear the same tired cliches from the left that the entire reason to liberate Iraq is about oil. And in part, it is. If Iraq is allowed to create a super arsenal, they will threaten Saudi Arabia and Kuwait.

Again.

They will threaten Iran.

Again.

While Saddam may not live to see it, his son and the Ba'ath Party could threaten Israel, North Africa and be on the doorstep of Europe in a decade or two. Left unchecked and gobbling up countries, Iraq could grow strong on controlling more and more oil reserves and make a fortune selling it. The money he gets buys more weapons, some of them probably nuclear.

So, yes. It's about oil.

I'd also like to ask if the movie stars and mimes who attend the protests arrived at the galas on pogo sticks and horses or something powered by the internal combustion engine.

I suppose that's the fundamental reason why my nose now starts to curl up involuntarily when I hear the word, "liberal." While there may be so many wonderful ideas coming from that part of our country, they are now wrapped thickly in an almost pathological naivete. Ideas seem to carry the prerequisite that they must be delivered by shouting clowns, bad folk songs and liberals dropping their togs to protest everything from the environment to foreign policy.

I know part of my reluctance to the liberal school is that approaching middle age, I don't look as good as I used to stark raving nude and would be bested in debate. But may I also point out that when you are forced to strip nude to make a political point, it's probably not a very good one to begin with.

Maturity doesn't work that way.

These are dark times. Most times in history are. What I used to like about the best parts of both the Democratic Party and the Republicans was that they tried to be a light in the darkness.

At all levels, from the local school board and city council to the White House and all places between, this is what we need.

We need less nude screamers, less carpetbaggers, fewer career cowards and coffee shop posers.

We need light.

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"We need less nude screamers, less carpetbaggers, fewer career cowards and coffee shop posers."

Worth reading just to get to this line.

[Timm]

I point out that most of the Republicans I know are 19th hole posers, mountebanks and bag men and that our perfectly good political party hasn't had a decent candidate since Teddy Roosevelt.

Translation into plain English: "I am not actually a Republican."

[sauropod]

"The flip side to that coin is a cold heart, tin ear and snide, knowing smile.)"

Guilty and loving it!

[Randjuke]

Wow! Great editorial, thanks for the post.

[xzins]

excellent editorial.

[gcruse]

Any Republican who thinks " there hasn't had a decent candidate since Teddy Roosevelt" must have slept through Ronald Reagan, or is stupid enough to think "almost primarily" is anything but piffle.

[smoothsailing]

worry not.

The left will never want American resolve.They will never prefer American power.

Our American President, George Walker Bush will not falter and he will not fail.

We can all take solace in these trying times that the adults are in charge.

FRegards

[prognostigaator]

.....they [liberals] are now wrapped thickly in an almost pathological naivete.

Satirically, simplistically, suddenly well put.

This description fits 'em all, from the UN clucking naysayers to the college campus co-eds who cry to the Hollywood clowns who have privy to 'eyes only' Stratfor documents to the Congressional caucus buffons who went to visit the butcher of Bagdad recently.....

[alwaysconservative]

Translation into plain English: "I am not actually a Republican."

I agree with your comment. There was much too much affection for "classic" liberalism, and way too little recognition of the light that President Bush (and Reagan before him) shines onto the issues that confront him. Only an ashamed liberal would write this stuff. It proves that sometimes, even their stomachs are turned by what remains of the left.

[George W. Bush]

But may I also point out that when you are forced to strip nude to make a political point, it's probably not a very good one to begin with.

Give nudity a chance.

[RinaseaofDs]

This guy is a democrat. He's facing a crisis of conscience because the policies of his party are so void of logical underpinning that it is nearly impossible for him to intellectually justify. He's a declared Republican, but hates himself every time he looks in the mirror.

He's politically active, and he's mourning over the death of a party that really never existed except in the mythology of old liberals misty eyed, half drunken recollections.

A Chafee Republican, no doubt.

My family is all D, having come from the education profession. I see them all doing the same thing.

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I'm inclined to think that the writer has only begun to seriously ponder politics and government. He writes for a living and the profession seems to attract individuals with an artistic leaning and liberal bias.

He has probably reacted to most issues emotionaly rather than thoughtfuly throughout most of his life. He is fearful of being accused of unfairness and, consequently, not being liked. But now he's confronted with issues where his emotions and intellect converge.

That being said, its fun to see people become conflicted with their liberal inclinations and begin to express conservative ideas. I hope he is prompted to give more serious thought to government and politics in the future. He has the potential to become a cogent and entertaining author of conservative thought.

John Boston

[sauropod]

Screw the naval gazers. The issue is clear enough for those whom are willing to see....

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[sauropod]

LOL! Good thing I said nothing about hiding the gerbil...