The Complete Military History of France

e-mail | 02/05/03 | unk

[ExSoldier]

There is NOTHING To add to this, especially in regard to WWI!!!!! Comments?

Subject: The Complete Military History of France

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

[ExSoldier]

Okay, I got this from another history teacher, who was also an army buddy of mine. It's pretty accurate, editorial comments aside but I thought those comments were EXCELLENT!

The Pentagon has apparently let slip the advice that we take France off the list of "allies" and I'd have to agree with that. It's been the status quo since possibly 1950...so I don't understand why we keep letting them crap all over us! The end of this piece, should read, first France collapses, then the UN is marginalized into obscurity so the US can resume it's traditional role of sole remaining "super power" and principal "BAD ASS not to be messed with...." or something like that. LOL

[js1138]

"France will play a key role in the upcoming war if it becomes necessary to surrender."

Brilliant author unknown. (FReeper?)

[foolish-one]

A coworker who is somehwat of a military/history buff likes to say "The only war the French ever won, they were led by a woman!"

[Camachee]

Bump.

[steveegg]

The only reason France didn't lose WWI long before the Doughboys got over there was because of the Brits. Otherwise, great work.

[Servant of the Nine]

PING

So9

[dirtboy]

The only reason France didn't lose WWI long before the Doughboys got over there was because of the Brits.

The Brits didn't do very much in the first month of the war, it was the French who turned the tide at Verdun. And the French bled themselves white in the resulting stalemate. I think it's asinine to downplay the sacrifices the French made in that conflict, especially when it's coupled with some low-grade bigotry:

Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

[1rudeboy]

The French are always there when they need us.
--Author unknown

[1rudeboy]

You might want to bone-up on the Battle of the Marne.

[Sergio]

Keep for yucks

[dirtboy]

Aargh, that's what I get for multi-tasking - should be turned the tide at the Marne.

[TruthConquers]

Now, Now, Now, what about Charles Martel? Huuuuuum?

You know, the Battle at Tours?

Stopped the Muslims, yes, yes?

[MattinNJ]

In the second most important battle in world history (Salamis is the 1st) Charles The Hammer (Charlegmagne's grandfather) turned back the Muslim Hordes at the battle of Tours in 732(?). If it wasn't for him and his heavy Frank Infantry, Western Civilization would have been snuffed out.

That being said, I hate the French.

[kcamtx]

GUN SALE !!!!!!!!!
Thousands of French military rifles........excellent condition......never fired.....only dropped once.

[Cacique]

The story of the cheeze eating surrender monkeys.

[MattinNJ]

You just beat me to it.

[steveegg]

You both mentioned the Marne. That was a heck of a stop by the French. However, without British reinforcements (which historically take too much time to stiffen up), the fact that the French bled themselves white to make that stop would have only delayed Germany's annexation of France.

[gaspar]

The great Chanson de Roland celebrates a French defeat at Roncevalles. What about the 2nd Crusade? and the incredible foul-ups of St. Louis? How about the French tail-turning at Fashoda on the Nile? How about the French-Indian Wars?

[Luis Gonzalez]

"The Complete Military History of France."

Nothing follows.