USO Canteen FReeper Style ~ Military Humor Day ~ January 16 2003

68-69TonkinGulfYatchClub and FRiends of the Canteen

[68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub]

US Army Voice Mail Message

Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a detailed message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you.

As soon as we have sorted out Centeral Asia, the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, Communist China, and compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call. Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:

If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, on weekends, or in bad weather.

Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please press 3 and speak slowly to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 4 for the Rapid Deployment Force and wait two weeks for delivery.

If you are in real hot trouble, please press 5, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command for an additional fee of $10. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your butt off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night, and while watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line, Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the
United States Army.

The New Call for Fire Procedure for the Army of One

Picture troops under fire, desperately needing artillery support, making a cellphone call and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling the 25th Infantry Division's automated artillery support request line. Please be assured that we will attempt to assist you with all available resources in the shortest time possible.

For air support, please call the U.S. Air Force at 1-800-BOMBNOW.
For naval gun fire, please call 1-888-SEASICK.
If you are attacking a fixed enemy position, please press 1.
If you are engaged in mobile defense, please press 2.
If you are defending a fixed position, please press 3.
If you are setting up a hasty defense or are about to be overrun, please press 4.
If you wish to cancel a prior fire mission request, please press 5. Press the star key at any time to return to the main menu.
If you are using a TA-312, remain on the line and one of our customer support counselors will be with you shortly.

Please select the type of fire mission you would like.
If you would like 81 mm or 4.2 inch mortars, please press 1.
If you would like 155 mm howitzers, please press 2.
If you would like advanced munitions, such as fuel-oil explosives or scattering mines, please press 3 to speak with one of our soldier advocates to complete our brief Advanced Firepower Usage Survey.
If you would like to request chemical or nuclear weapons, please press 4 and hold the line. The Secretary of Defense will speak with you as soon as possible.

Enter the map coordinates of the target you would like to strike, followed by the pound sign.
If you need to enter map grid designations, please use the star for a "q" and the pound sign for an "i."

Please remember to verify your coordinates and that your request may take several minute to process.

[Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep]
You have entered co-ordinates 32364519.
If this is correct, please press 1.
If this is incorrect, please press 2 and re-enter the coordinates. Thank you.

Please enter your battalion, company and platoon passcodes, each followed by the pound sign. As soon as we verify your passcodes, we will begin processing your request.
If you have forgotten your passcode, please contact 1-800-IFORGOT for a temporary passcode.

Please enter your passcode now.
[Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-#, beep-beep-beep-beep-#, beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-#]

Thank you. [Pause] Your passcodes have been verified and your request will be processed.

We strongly suggest that you and your comrades take cover as soon as possible.

Thank you for using the 25th Infantry Division's artillery request support line and have a nice day.

[68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub]

Todays Heros and Stars of the Canteen

Please Thank someone in the military for ensuring our Freedom.
Take a moment and Thank a Service Man or Woman.
Just Click on the graphic to SEND an e-mail.



PREVIOUS THREADS

[MeekOneGOP]

Mornin', everybody !! Happy Thursday !

Have a cup while you FReep !

For those who prefer hot chocolate.....

[68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub]

Will you take some time today to send some messages to the military?
You WILL get responses back today from them.
Invite them to visit the Canteen by copying and pasting this url in your message.
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/search?m=any&o=time&s=USO%20Canteen

Help From The Homefront

Thousands of San Diego-based sailors and Marines are serving aboard U.S. warships deployed in the Persian Gulf and the Western Pacific. NBC 7/39 has contacted all of the deployed ships and most have responded,
saying they would love to hear from the folks back home.

Fill in the form below. We will forward your message of support to our fighting men and women aboard the USS Tarawa, USS Rushmore,
USS Higgins, USS Shiloh, USS Mobile Bay, USS Thatch, USS Milius, USS Valley Forge, USS Bunker Hill and USS Constellation.

CLICK HERE
TO POST YOUR MESSAGE

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[JohnHuang2]

Thanks for the ping, friend, and GOOD MORNING to ya.

May God bless the brave men and women of our wonderful United States Armed Forces. Our thoughts, our prayers are always -- ALWAYS -- with them. May God keep them safe.

[firewalk]

Good morning everybody (-:

[petuniasevan]

Aircraft Maintenance
These are purportedly from actual military maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.


Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution 1: #2 Propeller seepage normal. #1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesn't.
Solution: IT DOES NOW.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.

[petuniasevan]

Which Service Has the Smartest Enlisted Force?
There is no doubt at all that, of all the Services, the Air Force has the most intelligent enlisted people. This is not just opinion, it's provable fact:

Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, men."

Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of BDUs because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a young Captain, Gives his Marines a Sharp Salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marines!"

Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the messroom.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!"

Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a fresh uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sir!"

[Valin]

On This Day In History


Birthdates which occurred on January 16:
1587 Alexander Adriaenssen Flemish painter
1672 Francesco Mancini composer
1697 Richard Savage poet
1728 Niccolò Piccinni Italian composer (Buona Figliuola)
1749 Vittoria A Alfieri Italian count/poet (Maria Stuarda)
1757 Samuel McIntire woodcarver/architect (architect of Salem)
1804 Karl August Krebs composer
1807 Charles Henry Davis Rear Admiral (Union Navy), died in 1877
1815 Adolph Trube composer
1815 Henry Wagner "Old Brains" Halleck Major-General (Union Army)
1834 Albert Lindley Lee Brigadier General (Union volunteers), died in 1907
1837 James Phillip Simms Brigadier General (Confederate Army), died in 1887
1847 Kálmán Mikszáth Hungary, writer (Wonderparaplu)
1853 André Michelin France, industrialist/tire manufacturer (Michelin)
1853 Johnston Forbes-Robertson English actor/theater director (Kathleen)
1864 Frank Bacon actor/author (Lightnin)
1868 Cyril Metodej Hrazdira composer
1870 Wilhelm Normann German chemist (hardening of oils)
1872 Edward G Craig actor/director (On the art of theatre)
1872 Henri-Paul Busser composer
1873 Boyd Alexander English explorer
1874 Robert Service England, Canadian poet (Cremation of Sam McGee)
1878 Harry [Henry Dewitt] Carey Sr Bronx NY, US actor (Informer, Aces Wild, Border Cafe, Air Force)
1878 Robert Garbe German poet (Görniek)
1885 Wladyslaw Raczkiewicz president of Poland (1939-40)
1887 John Hamilton Penn, actor (Perry White-Superman)
1890 Karl Freund Czech/Austrian cameraman/director
1890 Lloyd Bacon San Jose CA, actor (Charlie Chaplin)
1893 Henry C Rümke Dutch psychiatrist (Periods in Man's Life)
1894 Guy Chamberlin early NFL end/coach (Canton, Frankford, Cards)
1901 Fulgencio Batista President/Dictator of Cuba (1933-44, 1952-59)
1902 Eric Liddell China, English 400m runner (Olympics-gold-1924)
1902 Evelyn Levine composer
1904 Max Vredenburg composer
1905 Ernesto Halffter composer
1906 Clement Greenberg art critic
1906 Diana Winyard London, actress (Cavalcade)
1907 Alexander Knox Canada, actor (Gorky Park, 2 of a Kind)
1907 Phillip Humphrey Vellacott classicist
1908 Ethel Merman stage & screen actress (Anything Goes, Call Me Madam)
1910 David McCampbell US pilot/captain (WWII-Pacific-downed 34 Japanese planes)
1911 Eduardo Frei (Christian Democrat), President of Chile (1964-70)
1911 Jay Hanna "Dizzy" Dean HOF baseball pitcher (St Louis Cardinals)
1911 Gilbert Gadoffre French scholar
1912 Franz Tumler Austria, author/novelist (Cloak, Aufruf)
1914 Roger Aubert Belgium, church historian (Le Pontificat de Pie IX)
1916 Frederick Stewart British geologist
1917 Buddy Lester Chicago IL, actor (Nick-Phil Silvers Show)
1918 Stirling Silliphant screenwriter
1919 Bob Boucher Kent OH, orchestra leader (Music on Ice)
1920 Elliot Reid New York City NY, actor (Gentlemen Prefer Blondes)
1923 Martin Stokken Norway, nordic relay (Olympics-silver-1952)
1923 Roy Lanham rocker (Sons of the Pioneers)
1923 Willem Aantjes Dutch political leader (CDA)
1924 Katy Jurado México, actress (High Noon, Trapeze, Barabbas, AKA Pablo)
1926 John "Jack" Layden local politician
1928 Ezra Sims composer
1928 John William Fozard aircraft designer
1928 William Kennedy US writer
1929 Allard Lowenstein radical (Students for Democratic Action)
1929 Francesco Scavullo Staten Island NY, celebrity photographer
1929 Tage Nielsen composer
1930 Norman Podhoretz Brooklyn NY, author/editor (New York Post)
1931 Vladimir Skutina writer playwright/journalist
1932 Dian Fossey zoologist (Gorillas in the Mist)
1932 Jim Berry cartoonist (Berry's World)
1933 Oleg Grigoryevich Makarov USSR, cosmonaut (Soyuz 12, 18A, 27, T-3)
1933 Susan Sonntag writer
1934 Richard Wernick Boston MA, composer
1934 Bill Alexander (Representative-D-AR, 1969- )
1934 Marilyn Horne Bradford PA, mezzo-soprano
1935 A J Foyt Houston TX, auto race driver (Indy 500 1961, 64, 67, 77)
1936 Michael White theater/film producer (From Russia With Love)
1937 Bob Bogle Portland, rock bassist/guitarist (Ventures-Batman Theme)
1937 Conny Vandenbos Dutch singer (My rose, my little rose)
1938 Michael Pataki Youngstown OH, actor (Get Christie Love)
1939 Cliff Thorburn English snooker player
1941 Christine Janes tennis player
1941 Richard Bohringer Paris France, actor (Diva, I Married a Shadow)
1941 Tÿmen G J "Tim" Beekman actor (Nosferatu)
1942 Barbara Lynn rocker
1942 Bill Francis Mobile AL rocker (Dr Hook)
1942 Tony P Hall (Representative-D-OH, 1979- )
1943 Brian Ferneyhough composer
1943 Gavin Bryars composer
1944 Jim Stafford Eloise FL, singer (Spiders & Snakes, My Girl Bill)
1944 Chris de Marigny painter/designer
1944 Ronnie Milsap Robbinsville NC, country singer (Any Day Now, Legend in My Time)
1945 Kabir Bedi actor (Thief of Baghdad, Terminal Entry)
1946 Michael L Coats Sacramento CA, Captain USN/astronaut (STS 41-D, 29, 39)
1947 Dr. Laura Schlessinger Brooklyn, NY, TV/radio host/author (Go take on the day)
1947 Georgette Mosbacher CEO (La Prairie cosmetics)
1947 Juliet Berto Grenoble France, actress (Le Sex Shop)
1948 Cliff Thorburn Victoria BC, champion snooker player
1948 Anatoli Yakovlevich Solovyov Riga, cosmonaut (TM-5,9,15,26, STS 71)
1948 Christopher Moran English financier/multi-millionaire
1948 John Carpenter Carthage NY, director (Halloween, The Thing)
1950 Caroline Munro Windsor England, actress (Spy Who Loves Me)
1950 Debbie Allen Houston TX, dancer/actress (3 Girls 3, Lydia-Fame)
1950 Jesse Dizon Oceanside CA
1951 Richard Thompson rocker (BT Express-Here Comes the Express)
1952 Lloyd Blaine Hammond Jr Savannah GA, Major USAF/astronaut (STS 39, 64)
1952 Roberta Baskin NY, correspondent (48 Hours)
1955 Jerry M Linenger Mt Clemens MI, PhD/Commander USN/astronaut (STS 81/84)
1956 Wayne Daniel cricketer (West Indies fast bowler 1976-84)
1958 Anatoli Boukreev mountaineer
1959 Sadé [Helen Folsade Ady] Ibadan Nigeria, rocker (Smooth Operator, Sweetest Taboo; Grammy 1986-Best new singer)
1962 Jan Koster Dutch drummer (Sleeze Beez-Powertool)
1962 Kevin Ross NFL safety (Atlanta Falcons, Kansas City Chiefs)
1962 Paul Webb rocker (TalkTalk)
1964 Gail Graham Vanderhoof BC, LPGA golfer (1995 Fieldcrest Cannon)
1964 Mark Collins NFL cornerback/safety (New York Giants, Kansas City Chiefs, Green Bay Packers)
1964 Trevor Barsby cricketer (Queensland opening batsman since 1984-85)
1966 Anthony Washington Glasgow Montana, discus thrower (Olympics-4th-96)
1966 Jack McDowell Van Nuys CA, pitcher (New York Yankees, White Sox, Indians)
1967 Jeff Branson Waynesboro MI, infielder (Cincinnati Reds)
1967 Maxine Waters Jones rocker (En Vogue)
1968 David Chokachi actor (Baywatch)
1969 Chelan Kozak Revelstoke BC, equestrian (Olympics-96)
1969 Roy Jones Pensacola FL, Light-middleweight boxer (Olympics-silver-1988)
1970 Don MacLean NBA forward (New Jersey Nets, Denver Nuggets)
1970 Ron Villone Englewood NJ, pitcher (San Diego Padres)
1971 Josh Evans actor (Ricochet, The Doors)
1971 Jukka-Pekka Nummi WLAF cornerback (Scottish Claymores)
1971 Junior Bryant NFL defensive end (San Francisco 49ers)
1971 Michel Kreek Dutch soccer player (Ajax)
1971 Scott Williams Orange CA, field hockey defender (Olympics-96)
1971 Sergei Bruguera Spain, tennis star
1971 Ulrich van Gobbel Suriname/Dutch soccer player (Feyenoord)
1972 Desiree Leipham Spokane WA, WPVA volleyballer (Nationals-17th-1995)
1972 Joe Horn wide receiver (Kansas City Chiefs)
1972 Lee McIntyre Peak Hill Australia, golfer (T3 1995 New South Wales Trainee Champ)
1973 Josie Davis Los Angeles CA, actress (Sarah-Charles in Charge)
1973 Mario Bates NFL-running back (New Orleans Saints)
1973 Willie Whitehead CFL defensive end (Hamilton Tiger Cats)
1974 Kate Moss Addiscomb Surrey England, model (Calvin Klein)
1976 Trisha Stillwell Miss Oklahoma-USA (1997, top 10)
1986 Mason Gamble actor (Dennis the Menace)

---

Deaths which occurred on January 16:
0308 Marcellus I Catholic Pope (-308), dies
0429 Honoratius of Arles bishop/saint, dies
1343 Robert of Anjou king (Naples), dies
1595 Murad III sultan of Turkey (1574-95), dies
1697 Richard Savage poet, dies
1703 Matteo Coferati composer, dies at 64
1794 Edward Gibbon historian (Decline & Fall), dies in London at 56
1817 Antonin Josef Alois Volanek composer, dies at 55
1838 Aleksandr I Polezjajev Russian poet (Sasjka), dies at 33
1842 Thomas Freanby Norwegian landscape painter, dies
1849 Wilhelm M L de Wette German theologist, dies at 69
1864 Anton Schindler German violinist/biographer (Beethoven), dies at 68
1886 Amilcare Ponchielli Italian composer (La Gioconda), dies at 51
1891 Clement-Philibert-Leo Delibes composer, dies at 54
1891 Leo Delibes French ballet composer (Lakmé), dies at 54
1892 Imakita Kosen Zen teacher/abbot of Engagkuji monastery, dies
1893 Johan Philip Koelman painter/sculptor/architect, dies at 74
1901 Hiram Revels dies at 73
1901 Arnold Böcklin Swiss painter, dies at 73
1907 Alfred Shaw cricketer (seven Tests for England 1877-82), dies
1912 Georg Heym writer, dies at 24
1916 Arnold Aletrino Dutch physician-criminologist (From Death), dies at 57
1919 Jaroslav Jeremias composer, dies at 19
1920 Reginald De Koven composer, dies at 60
1934 Annie Patterson composer, dies at 65
1935 Richard Wetz composer, dies at 59
1938 William Pickering pioneer US stellar spectroscopist, dies
1939 Albert Fish mass murderer, executed
1942 Barbara Lynn [Ozen], US singer (You'll Lose a Good Thing), dies
1942 Carole Lombard actress, (Bolero), killed in plane crash (along with her mother & 20 others) at 32
1943 Franz Courtens Flemish painter (Sunny Lane), dies at 88
1945 Dennis Donnini British rifleman (Victoria Cross), dies in battle at 19
1946 Johanna HC Albregt actress/wife of Henri Dons (Paradise), dies at 71
1954 Michail M Prishvin Russian writer, dies
1955 Jonkheer Reneke de Marees van Swinderen Dutch minister (1908-13), dies at 94
1957 Arturo Toscanini Italy, American conductor, dies in New York City NY at 89
1957 Alexander Cambridge Governor-General (South Africa 1923-31/Canada 1940-5), dies at 82
1961 Janos Viski composer, dies at 54
1962 Emanuel Stickelberger Swiss writer (Holbein in England), dies at 77
1963 Gilardo Gilardi composer, dies at 73
1966 Margarete Susman writer, dies at 91
1967 Dirk Vansina Flemish playwright (Sage of Kai-Roi), dies at 72
1967 Robert J Van De Graaff US nuclear physicist, dies at 65
1968 Robert R "Bob" Jones founder (Bob Jones University), dies at 84
1969 Jan Palach protesting Soviet invasion of Czechoslovakia, self immolates at 20
1969 Vernon Duke composer, dies at 65
1970 Armijn Pane Indonesian writer (Djinak-djinak merpati), dies at 61
1971 Kermit Maynard cowboy actor (Saturday Roundup), dies at 68
1972 David Seville [Ross Bagdasarian] (Alvin & Chipmunks), dies at 52
1973 Ray Barrett sportscaster (Gillette Summer Sports Reel), dies at 65
1979 Ted Cassidy Pittsburgh PA, actor (Lurch-Addams Family), dies at 46
1979 Fred Elizalde composer, dies at 71
1980 Anna van Wageningen-Salomons Dutch author (Unspoilt Dream), dies at 94
1981 Bernard Lee actor (M in James Bond Movies), dies at 73
1987 Earl Wilson Broadway columnist (Midnight Earl), dies in Yonkers at 79
1987 Joyce Jameson comedienne (Spike Jones Show), dies at 54
1987 Ilse Langen writer, dies at 87
1989 Pierre Boileau screenwriter (Vertigo), dies at 82
1989 Romo Vincent actor (Naked Jungle), dies
1989 Trey Wilson actor (Bull Durham, Twins, Raising Arizona), dies
1992 Roselle Novelle silent film actress, dies at 95
1993 Florence Desmond [Dawson], actress (Sally in Our Alley), dies at 87
1993 Glenn Corbett US actor (Shenandoah, Chisum, Midway), dies at 63
1993 Sathasivam Krishnakumar Sri Lanka commander, commits suicide
1994 Martin Kosleck German/US actor (Hitler Gang), dies at 86
1994 Noël Foré Belgian cyclist (Paris-Roubaix 1959), dies at 61
1994 Stephen Kritsick veterinarian (Good Morning America), dies at 42
1995 William Dillard trumpeter/singer, dies at 83
1996 Harry Potts footballer/manager, dies at 75
1996 Kaye Webb publisher, dies at 81
1997 Charlie Alfred Galbraith jazz trombonist, dies at 76
1997 Innis Cosby son of Bill Cosby, murdered on Los Angeles highway at 29
1997 Jim Kensil NFL president (New York Jets), dies of heart failure at 66
1997 Stephen Fitz-Simon entrepreneur, dies at 59
1998 David "Junior" Kimbrough blues musician, dies at 67
1998 Peter Diamand artistic administrator, dies at 84

---

On this day...
0308 St Marcellus I ends his reign as Catholic Pope
1219 Floods in Northern Netherlands after storm, 1,000s killed
1325 Laure de Noves, beloved of Petrarch, marries Hugues de Sade
1493 Columbus returns to Spain on his 1st trip
1531 English Reformation parliament's 2nd sitting
1547 Ivan IV the Terrible (17) crowns himself 1st tsar of Russia
1556 Emperor Karel appoints his son Philip II, king of Spain
1581 English parliament passes laws against Catholicism
1756 England & Prussia sign Treaty of Westminster
1759 British Museum opens in London
1765 Charles Messier catalogs M41 (galactic cluster in Canis Major)
1776 Continental Congress approves enlistment of free blacks
1777 Vermont declares independence from NY
1780 Battle at Cape St Vincent admiral Rodney beats Spanish fleet
1795 French army under Pichegru occupies Utrecht Netherlands
1819 Godert baron van der de Capellen becomes Governor of Dutch-Indies
1832 Charles Darwin lands at San Tiago, Cape Verde
1863 Cruise of CSS Florida
1864 Heavy fighting takes place near Dandridge TN
1865 General William Sherman issues Field Order #15 (land for blacks)
1865 San Francisco Dramatic Chronicle started
1865 Confederate Brigadier General John Pegram marries Hetty Cary
1865 Drunken sailor attacks munitions at Fort Fisher NC, 40 die
1868 Refrigerator car patented by William Davis, a fish dealer in Detroit
1870 Virginia becomes 8th state re-admitted to US after Civil War
1871 Jefferson Long of Georgia sworn in as 2nd black congressman
1877 Color organ (for light shows) patented, by Bainbridge Bishop
1879 January record 13" of snow falls in New York City NY (broken Jan 7, 1996)
1883 Pendleton Act creates basis of US Civil Service system
1883 Québec Rugby Football Union forms
1887 Cliff House damaged when schooner "Parallel"'s powder cargo explodes
1889 128ºF (53ºC), Cloncurry, Queensland (Australian record)
1897 John Dewey's essay "My Pedagogic Creed" appears in School Journal
1905 Baseball outfielder Frank Huelsman traded for 6th time in 8 months
1905 Stanley Cup Ottawa Silver 7 sweep Dawson City (Yukon) in 2 games Ottawa Silver 7 beats Dawson City (Yukon) 23-2 for Stanley Cup, this is most lopsided playoff game, Frank McGee scores 14 goals
1906 Conference of Algeciras (about Morocco)
1908 Pinnacles National Monument, California established
1909 David, Mawson & Mackay reach south magnetic pole
1909 British explorer Ernest Shackleton finds magnetic south pole
1911 Pandora becomes 1st 2-man sailboat to round Cape Horn west to east
1913 British House of Commons accepts Home-Rule for Ireland
1914 Writer Maksim Gorki returns to Russia
1915 Congress authorizes $1 & $50 Panama-Pacific International Expo gold coin
1919 Prohibition ratified by 3/4 of the states; Nebraska is 36th
1920 18th Amendment, prohibition, becomes the law of the land - one year after ratification; it is repealed in 1933
1920 1st assembly of League of Nations (Paris)
1920 Georgia declares independence
1925 General M Froense replaces Trotsky as People's Commissioner of Defense
1925 Leon Trotsky dismissed as CEO of Russian Revolution Military Council
1931 Bradman scores 223 Australia vs West Indies, 297 minutes, 26 fours
1933 Bert Oldfield flattened by Larwood delivery in Adelaide Test
1936 1st photo finish camera installed at Hialeah Race track in Hialeah FL
1936 Screen Actors Guild incorporates with King Vidor as president
1936 Spanish socialists/communists/anarchists form Unidad Popular
1938 Benny Goodman refuses to play Carnegie Hall when black members of his band were barred from performing
1939 Comic strip "Superman" debuts
1941 War Department forms 1st Army Air Corps squadron for black cadets
1941 US vice admiral Bellinger warns of an assault on Pearl Harbor
1942 William Knudsen becomes 1st civilian appointed a General in US army
1943 -60ºF (-51ºC), Island Park Dam ID (state record)
1943 1st US air raid on Ambon
1943 German 2nd SS-Pantzer division evacuates Charkow
1943 Red Army recaptures Pitomnik airport at Stalingrad
1944 General Eisenhower took command of Allied Invasion Force in London
1945 Scottish 52nd land division/1st Commando brigade-assault at Heinsberg
1945 US 1st & 3rd army meet at Houffalise
1947 Vincent Aurial elected President of France
1948 35 Haganah members are ambushed & killed in Gush Etzyon
1949 "Rape of Lucretia" closes at Ziegfeld Theater New York City NY after 23 performances
1949 KNBH (now KNBC) TV channel 4 in Los Angeles CA (NBC) 1st broadcast
1949 WTOP (now WUSA) TV channel 9 in Washington DC (CBS) 1st broadcast
1950 Belgium, Luxembourg & Netherlands recognize Israel
1951 World's largest gas pipeline opens (Brownsville TX, to 134th St, New York City NY)
1951 Viet Minh offensive against Hanoi
1952 New Dutch bible translation finished
1952 US Standard Board clears Stan Musial to get an $85,000 salary
1953 27th Australian Womens Tennis Maureen Connolly beat J Sampson (63 62)
1953 41st Australian Mens Tennis Ken Rosewall beats Mervyn Rose (60 63 64)
1953 Egyptian Premier General Naguib disbands all political parties
1953 KXLY TV channel 4 in Spokane WA (ABC/CBS) begins broadcasting
1954 "South Pacific" closes at Majestic Theater New York City NY after 1928 performances
1955 Jackie Pung wins LPGA Sea Island Golf Open
1955 NFL Pro Bowl West beats East 26-19
1956 Egyptian President Nassar pledges to reconquer Palestine
1957 3 B-52s leave California for 1st non-stop round the world flights
1957 Cavern Club (home of Beatles' 1st appearance) opens on Mathew Street in England
1958 William Gibson's "Two for the Seesaw" premieres in New York City NY
1961 "Conquering Hero" opens at ANTA Theater New York City NY for 8 performances
1961 Russian espionage ring detected in Great Britain
1962 Suit accuses New York City NY Board of Education uses "racial quotas"
1962 Shooting begins on "Dr No"
1963 Khrushchev claims to have a 100-megaton nuclear bomb
1963 Tennessee Williams' "Milk Train Doesn't Stop Here Anymore" premieres
1964 "Hello, Dolly!" starring Carol Channing, opens at St James Theater New York City NY for 2,844 performances
1964 AL owners vote 9-1 against Charlie Finley moving Kansas City A's to Louisville
1965 "Oh What a Lovely War" closes at Broadhurst New York City NY after 125 performances
1965 "Outer Limits" last airs on ABC-TV
1965 AFL Pro Bowl West beats East 38-14
1965 Searchers' "Love Potion #9" peaks at #3
1965 USSR performs nuclear test at Eastern Kazakstan/Semipalatinsk USSR
1966 Harold R Perry becomes 2nd black Roman Catholic bishop in US
1966 Metropolitan Opera House opens in Lincoln Center
1967 1st black government installed in Bahamas
1967 Lucius Amerson, becomes 1st southern (Alabama) black sheriff in 20th century
1968 21st NHL All-Star Game Toronto beat All-Stars 4-3 at Toronto
1968 Jay Allen's "Prime of Miss Jean Brodie" premieres in New York City NY
1969 Jan Palach immolates himself to protest Soviet invasion of Czechoslovakia
1969 Soviet Soyuz 4 & Soyuz 5 perform 1st transfer of crew in space
1970 AAU player Steve Myers makes a basketball field goal of 92'3½" from out of bounds, Tacoma-it shouldn't have counted, but was allowed
1970 NFL realigns into 3 divisions (down from 4)
1970 Colonel Kadhaffi becomes premier of Libya
1970 Curt Flood files a civil lawsuit challenging baseball's reserve clause
1971 Ard Schenk skates world record 1500m (1 58.7)
1972 Atje Keulen-Deelstra becomes European all-round lady skating champ
1972 Super Bowl VI Dallas Cowboys-24, Miami-3 in New Orleans; Super Bowl MVP Roger Staubach, Dallas, Quarterback
1973 USSR's Lunakhod 2 begins radio-controlled exploration of the Moon
1973 NBC presents 440th & final showing of "Bonanza"
1974 L A Landslide kills 9, Canyonville OR
1974 "Jaws" by Peter Benchley is published
1974 New York Yankees Mickey Mantle & Whitey Ford elected to Hall of Fame
1976 "Donny & Marie" [Osmond] musical variety show premieres on ABC TV
1976 Peter Frampton released platinum live album "Frampton Comes Alive"
1977 Washington Capital's H Monahan scored on 2nd penalty shot against Islanders
1978 Soyuz 27 returns to Earth
1978 5th American Music Award Stevie Wonder, Fleetwood Mac & Conway Twitty
1979 Shah Mohammed Reza Pahlevi of Iran flees Iran for Egypt
1980 Paul McCartney jailed in Tokyo for 10 days on marijuana possession
1981 Ivan Lendl intentionally loses a match in the Volvo Masters in order to avoid having to play Björn Borg
1981 John Lennon's "Woman" is released in UK
1981 Protestant gunmen shoot & wound Bernadette Devlin McAliskey & husband
1981 Boxer Leon Spinks is mugged, his assailants even take his gold teeth
1984 Paul & Linda McCartney arrested in Barbados-possession of cannabis
1984 11th American Music Award Michael Jackson
1985 "Playboy" announces end of stapling centerfolds
1986 Police arrested 3 IRA-terrorists in Amsterdam
1988 Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder fired from CBS for racial remarks
1988 NFL St Louis Cardinals announce move to Phoenix
1988 4th Soap Opera Digest Awards - Days of Our Live wins
1989 USSR announces plan for 2-year manned mission to Mars
1989 Police arrest writer Vaclav Havel in Prague
1990 2 Bank of Credit & Commerce members plea guilty to money laundering
1991 Operation Desert Storm begins - US & 27 allies attack Iraq for occupying Kuwait (air war begins January 17 at 2:38AM (local time) or January 16 at 6:38PM EST due to an 8 hour time difference, with an Apache helicopter attack)
1991 7th Soap Opera Digest Awards - Days of Our Live wins
1992 "2 Shakespearean Actors" opens at Cort Theater New York City NY for 29 performances
1994 Scott skates world record 1000m (1 12.54)
1995 UPN (Universal-Parmount Network) begins telecasting (WWOR in New York City NY)
1997 Anthony Stuart takes ODI hat-trick, Australia vs Pakistan, MCG

---

Holidays
Note: Some Holidays are only applicable on a given "day of the week"

US : Martin Luther King Jr Day (1929) - - - - - ( Monday )
Virginia : Lee-Jackson Day - - - - - ( Monday )
Florida : Arbor Day - - - - - ( Friday )

---

Religious Observances
Roman Catholic : Feast of St Henry
Roman Catholic : Commemoration of St Marcellus I, 30th pope [308-09], martyr
Moslem : Night of Remembrance (Moslem feast); Sha'ban 14, 1415 AH

---

Religious History
1545 Death of Georg Spalatin, 61, German reformer and friend of Martin Luther. Spalatin's court life allowed him to give secular government a better understanding of Luther's ideas.
1604 At the Hampton Court Conference in England, John Rainolds presented to King James I the motion '...that there might bee a newe translation of the Bible.' Approved the next day, Rainolds' motion led to the 1611 publication of the Authorized (King James) version of the Bible.
1740 English revivalist George Whitefield wrote in a letter: 'If I see a man who loves the Lord Jesus in sincerity, I am not very solicitous to what...communion he belongs. The Kingdom of God, I think, does not consist in any such thing.'
1786 The Virginia Legislature adopted the Ordinance of Religious Freedom, which guaranteed that no man would be forced to attend or support any church. This mandate later became the model for the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.
1982 Great Britain established full diplomatic relations with the Vatican.

---

Thought for the day :
" Fame is proof that people are gullible. "

[petuniasevan]

Tower Time
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference:

If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.

If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

[petuniasevan]

Pilots' Hell
A MAC pilot died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors. The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." "I'll be right back--don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, he peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.

Unable to imagine a worse fate, he cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see a pilot getting ready for a flight while crew chiefs dilligently put the final touches on a perfectly-maintained aircraft, even bringing him coffee and saluting him sharply as they presented the forms for his approval.

He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared. "Okay," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's crew chiefs' hell."

[petuniasevan]

McDonnell Douglas Corp. Warranty
Supposedly, this was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not - and made the web department take it down immediately (McDonnell Douglas, now part of Boeing, is one of the world's chief suppliers of military aircraft).

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.


[_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Col. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: ......................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ......................................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name: ......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........


Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified


Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): .... /..../....


Serial Number: .................................................


Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
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Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one


Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat


Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq


Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon


How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
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[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal


How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
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[_] Traveler's check


Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
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[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
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To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
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[_] Propaganda / disinformation
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[_] Household pets
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[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:


McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

[Bethbg79]

Good Morning Troops!

Good Morning Canteeners!

[petuniasevan]

Rules of the Air

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

[petuniasevan]

For my friends who had the dubious privilege of serving in Saudi:

The Hotel Al-Kharj
Prince Sultan Air Base is the main U.S. air base in Saudi Arabia, located near Al-Kharj (alias "Al's Garage", probably arabic for "middle of nowhere"). This is sung to the tune of the Eagles' "Hotel California".

On a dark desert flightline, hot dust in my hair
Warm smell of the sewage rising up through the air
Out ahead in the distance, I saw a camel in sight
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim, I had a long, long flight
There he stood in the doorway, with a towel on his head
I was thinking to myself: this could be heaven, but it would be hell
Then he lit up a hooka, and started puffing away
I heard voices down the corridor, thought I heard them say:

Welcome to the Hotel Al-Kharj
What a bad surprise, for your appetite

Our hosts wear long white dresses, they got the Mercedes Benz
They got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, and they hold hands
How they chop in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat
some chopped just a little, some chopped to minced meat
And still those voices are calling from loud speakers
Wake you up in the middle of the night, just to hear them pray:

Welcome to the Hotel Al-Kharj
Any time of year, you're TDY here

There are no curtains in the showers
No potable water on ice
We are all just prisoners here, of Exxon's delight
So I called up my Captain, please bring me some wine. He said
"They won't allow that spirit here until the end of all time"
And in the Mirage chow hall, we gathered for the feast
We stab it with our plastic knives but we just can't cut the beef
Last thing I remember, I was running for my plane
I had to find the freedom bird to take me home again
Relax, said the First Shirt, we have orders to receive,
You can out-process any time you like, but you can never leave

[tomkow6]

Good morning, Tonk! Good morning, Canteen Crew! Good morning, EVERYBODY!

Good Morning, TROOPS!

[tomkow6]

Today's FEEBLE attempt at humor:

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a

proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were

actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that

these are first graders... "6" year olds, because the last one is classic!

Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the ...........................bug is close.

It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of............termites.

Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.

No news is..................................impossible.

A miss is as good as a......................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new..............math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.

Love all, trust.............................me.

The pen is mightier than the................pigs.

An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.

Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.

A penny saved is............................not much.

Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.


If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you....see in the picture on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.

And the favorite: Better late than........................pregnant!!!!






(Thank you, Cote!)

[petuniasevan]

This is originally written to refer to rotorheads, but us wingwipers love it too...

A long, long time ago, back in the days of iron men and wooden rotor blades, a ritual began. It takes place when a helicopter pilot approaches a mechanic to report some difficulty with his aircraft. All mechanics seem to be aware of it, which leads to the conclusion that it's included somewhere in their training, and most are diligent in practicing it.

New pilots are largely ignorant of the ritual because it's neither included in their training, nor handed down to them by older drivers. Older drivers feel that the pain of learning everything the hard way was so exquisite, that they shouldn't deny anyone the pleasure.

There are pilots who refuse to recognize it as a serious professional amenity, no matter how many times they perform it, and are driven to distraction by it. Some take it personally. They get red in the face, fume and boil, and do foolish dances. Some try to take it as a joke, but it's always dead serious. Most pilots find they can't change it, and so accept it and try to practice it with some grace.

The ritual is accomplished before any work is actually done on the aircraft. It has four parts, and goes something like this:
1. The pilot reports the problem. The mechanic says, There's nothing wrong with it."
2. The pilot repeats the complaint. The mechanic replies, "It's the gauge."
3. The pilot persists, plaintively. The mechanic Maintains, "They're all like that."
4.The pilot, heatedly now, explains the problem carefully, enunciating carefully. The mechanic states, "I can't fix it."

After the ritual has been played through in it's entirety, serious discussion begins, and the problem is usually solved forthwith.

Like most rituals, this one has it's roots in antiquity and a basis in experience and common sense. It started back when mechanics first learned to operate pilots, and still serves a number of purposes. It's most important function is that it is a good basic diagnostic technique. Causing the pilot to explain the symptoms of the problem several times in increasing detail not only saves troubleshooting time, but gives the mechanic insight into the pilot's knowledge of how the machine works, and his state of mind.

Every mechanic knows that if the if the last flight was performed at night or in bad weather, some of the problems reported are imagined, some exaggerated, and some are real. Likewise, a personal problem, especially romantic or financial, but including simple fatigue, affects a pilot's perception of every little rattle and thump. There are also chronic whiners complainers to be weeded out and dealt with. While performing the ritual, an unscrupulous mechanic can find out if the pilot can be easily intimidated. If the driver has an obvious personality disorder like prejudices, pet peeves, tender spots, or other manias, they will stick out like handles, with which he can be steered around.

There is a proper way to operate a mechanic as well. Don't confuse "operating" a mechanic with "putting one in his place." The worst and most often repeated mistake is to try to establish an "I'm the pilot and you're just the mechanic" hierarchy. Although a lot of mechanics can and do fly recreationally, they give a damn about doing it for a living. Their satisfaction comes from working on complex and expensive machinery. As a pilot, you are neither feared nor envied, but merely tolerated, for until they actually train monkeys to fly those things, he needs a pilot to put the parts in motion so he can tell if everything is working properly. The driver who tries to put a mech in his "place" is headed for a fall. Sooner or later, he'll try to crank with the blade tied down. After he has snatched the tailboom around to the cabin door and completely burnt out the engine, he'll see the mech there sporting a funny little smirk. Helicopter mechanics are indifferent to attempts at discipline or regimentation other than the discipline of their craft. It's accepted that a good mechanic's personality should contain unpredictable mixtures of irascibility and nonchalance, and should exhibit at least some bizarre behavior.

The basic operation of a mechanic involves four steps:
1. Clean an aircraft. Get out a hose or bucket, a broom, and some rags, and at some strange time of day, like early morning, or when you would normally take your afternoon nap) start cleaning that bird from top to bottom, inside and out. This is guaranteed to knock even the sourest old wrench off balance. He'll be suspicious, but he'll be attracted to this strange behavior like a passing motorist to a roadside accident. He may even join in to make sure you don't break anything. Before you know it , you'll be talking to each other about the aircraft while you're getting a more intimate knowledge of it. Maybe while you're mucking out the pilot's station, you'll see how rude it is to leave coffee cups, candy wrappers, cigarette butts, and other trash behind to be cleaned up.
2. Do a thorough pre-flight. Most mechanics are willing to admit to themselves that they might make a mistake, and since a lot of his work must be done at night or in a hurry, a good one likes to have his work checked. Of course he'd rather have another mech do the checking, but a driver is better than nothing. Although they cultivate a deadpan, don't-give-a-damn attitude, mechanics have nightmares about forgetting to torque a nut or leaving tools in inlets and drive shaft tunnels. A mech will let little gigs slide on a machine that is never pre-flighted, not because they won't be noticed, but because he figures the driver will overlook something big someday, and the whole thing will end up in a smoking pile of rubble anyway.
3. Don't abuse the machinery. Mechanics see drivers come and go, so you won't impress one in a thousand with what you can make the aircraft do. They all know she'll lift more than max gross, and will do a hammerhead with half roll. While the driver is confident that the blades and engine and massive frame members will take it, the mech knows that it's the seals and bearings and rivets deep in the guts of the machine that fail from abuse. In a driver mechanics aren't looking for fancy expensive clothes, flashy girlfriends, tricky maneuvers, and lots of juicy stories about Viet Nam. They're looking for one who'll fly the thing so that all the components make their full service life. They also know that high maintenance costs are a good excuse to keep salaries low.
4. Do a post-flight inspection. Nothing feels more deliciously dashing than to end the day by stepping down from the bird and walking off into the sunset while the blade slowly turns down. It's the stuff that beer commercials are made of. The trouble is, it leaves the pilot ignorant of how the aircraft has fared after a hard days work, and leaves the wrench doing a slow burn. The mechanic is an engineer, not a groom, and needs some fresh, first hand information on the aircraft's performance if he is to have it ready to go the next day. A little end-of-the-day conference also gives you one more chance to get him in the short ribs. Tell him the thing flew good. It's been known to make them faint dead away.

As you can see, operating a helicopter mechanic is simple, but it is not easy. What it boils down to is that if a pilot performs his pilot rituals religiously in no time at all he will find the mechanic operating smoothly. ( I have not attempted to explain how to make friends with a mechanic, for that is not known.) Helicopter pilots and mechanics have a strange relationship. It's a symbiotic partnership because one's job depends on the other, but it's an adversary situation too, since one's job is to provide the helicopter with loving care, and the other's is to provide wear and tear. Pilots will probably always regard mechanics as lazy, lecherous, intemperate swine who couldn't make it through flight school, and mechanics will always be convinced that pilots are petulant children with pathological ego problems, a big watch, and a little whatchamacallit. Both points of view are viciously slanderous, of course, and only partly true.

[Pippin]

Good morning you crazy person. HEE! HEE!

[Soaring Feather]