Posted on 05/26/2015 9:21:40 AM PDT by Kaslin
So Memorial Day is over. You had a great time with whomever, but let me guess—it was not so great on the highway, when about 100 million others joined you on the asphalt jungle. In just about six weeks, we’ll get to do it again for Independence Day, an apt name for any day on the roadways when the morons amongst us demonstrate just how independent they can be.
My email inbox recently gave me the “Bill of Non-Rights” with stuff like (“You do not have the right to a free house…,” etc.), and so, here’s my stab at a few “New Rules for Some Drivers.”
Preamble
WE the people of the United States built vast ribbons of transportation variously called roads, highways, interstates, or turnpikes. Each of them is designed to move people and their vehicles from place to place efficiently, and accidents with injuries and death are low probabilities as long as each driver demonstrates a modicum of reason, safety, and courtesy while operating their vehicle. Toward that end, each state has devised a manual for operator survival. WE know everyone read it at least once. WE understand, however, that some have discarded these carefully written rules, instituting their own entitlement philosophy instead, simply because they are better than everyone else. For the special “some” of you, the rest of us would like to mention our decreasing tolerance for a few things—besides abusing drugs and alcohol—you may not do while driving:
You may not camp in the left lane, talk on your cell, or text, or engage in other intensely personal activities, slowing while doing so, even if your girlfriend is dumping you for being a self-centered piece of work. She is probably right. Unless you’re going faster than the rest of us (passing?), move over.
In construction zones, you may not pass all those who followed signage instruction to form one lane. Would you crash a bank line? A grocery line? Surprise—we have to get there, too. When a trucker moves to the empty lane, keeping pace with the turtle-like traffic, the rest of us do not honk or swear. Why? We’re glad they keep clowns like you from making the delay so much longer than it needs to be.
You are not entitled to treat the highway as your personal Dodgem ride at an amusement park. That means kissing the bumper in front of you at eighty miles per hour on I-Whatever puts you in the category of stupid, reckless, or crazy. Maybe all three? But remember: if you act like Putin, don’t expect everyone else to act like Obama with a fake red line. For the men who think highways are a high-definition video game, if after threatening everyone else’s very existence, you flip your car during one of these maneuvers, don’t expect cards or flowers.
You are not entitled to stand on your brakes for a turn you knew you were going to make, and then turn on your signal as you make the turn. The exercise you get in flicking the lever will be just as great if you do it as all states require: signal your turn well before you brake.
If your car has Bluetooth, you may not make left turns into heavy traffic while talking to the phone in your left ear, holding a cigarette, shushing your kids, and steering—scaring the living hell out of us. This is not brilliant multi-tasking, ladies (sorry, it’s nearly always you). Get connected!
Are there other “New Rules” I didn’t mention? Have I touched a nerve with the self-important practitioners of stress, injury, and death? I hope so. The rest of us want the next driving jaunt to be much more pleasant, with or without you.
:-)
I left Seattle four years ago and this stuff is all just a faded memory. I drive 160 miles on my commute every day, have pseudo racing tires on my car (bridgestone RE11A’s) and, at least until I get to I-65, am driving on roads motorcyclists dream about.
Traffic is one of the main reasons I left the rat race.
Like a local AM radio call in show, this topic will always be good for lots and lots of echoed commentary. I’ll start.
Hey buddy, see that green light ahead of us about 250 yards? It’s not going to get any greener. Let’s both make that light. Since you’re in front of me, I am going to need you to pick it up.
Drive with a little sense of urgency. I am not asking you to gun it. You don’t need to speed, for pete’s sake. But would you mind lolligagging later on, like, say, after you’re behind me?
“while talking to the phone in your left ear, holding a cigarette, shushing your kids, and steering”
Or texting or putting on makeup, picking out a cd, shaving, reading a document, a map or a book or any other document........anybody got any more?
All spot on...except number 2. Single line may seem like best manners, but it is also least efficient. Most efficient is to have smaller/swifter cars to move toward the front and take an empty spot where some person is studying their navel or taking that phone call just before the final opportunity. This isn’t just my opinion but is based upon fluid dynamics.
I saw cars on asphalt... in the form of sitting in a suite at the Charlotte Motor Speedway for the Coca-Cola 600.
But the traffic on the way out.... ugh... terrible.
6. If you are riding a motorcycle, you may not engage in ‘lane splitting’...i.e. driving between lanes of slow moving or stopped cars. It is illegal most everywhere. Wait your turn and get in line like the rest of us. Otherwise, someday you may be surprised to find a door opening in your path and ruining your holiday weekend.
I recently witnessed two vehicles that sped up together to make it through a yellow light, the following vehicle tailgating. The lead vehicle noticed a traffic camera and slammed on his brakes. You can guess the rest...
True.
But some states it is legal.
And in ALL states, opening a door to hit a motorcycle would bring on numerous felony charges, not to mention a butt-whipping if the motorcyclist gets up.
I live around the Tampa Bay area, where every day is Drive Like an A**hole Day.
I live in Norfolk, VA six miles from my work on the base. I see the freeway twice a day, as I drive under it. It takes me 10 minutes to get home, a little longer to get to work due to the ID check at the base.
That being said, in my years in VA I have determined that the roads are full of DEHYDRATED IDIOTS.
Add water, get IDIOTS!!! It doesn’t matter if the water is solid (snow, ice, sleet), liquid (rain, mist, drizzle), or gaseous (fog). Once water is added the IDIOTS come out. It only takes ONE SNOWFLAKE to cause the transformation.
So if it’s wet outside, have your head on a swivel because there are IDIOTS about.
And even if there’s no water, we still have the CLAUSTERPHOBIC IDIOTS. We have numerous bridge tunnels that allow the cars to travel under the waterways.
The CLAUSTERPHOBIC IDIOTS will drive 70 MPH and slam on the brakes at the entrance to a tunnel, then drive through the tunnel at 35 MPH. As soon as they can see the light at the other end, acceleration occurs and they come shooting out at 70 again.
The bridge tunnels are always backed up because of the CLAUSTERPHOBIC IDIOTS.
A variation: yes, we have right turn on red, but you still have to yield to the pedestrian in the crosswalk. One dope trying to make a right turn on red tapped me with his car. He said he didn't see me. Now at the time I was 200 pounds. Pretty hard not to notice.
One that might be specific to the Northern Virginia (i.e., DC area) sub-species:
* An on-ramp or off-ranmp does not actually double as a right-handed passing lane
When it has been reduced down to 2 lanes, give only a short run to the single lane, and then signs indicating ALTERNATE MERGE. That "LEFT (or RIGHT) LANE ENDS IN ___ MILE" sign only makes the "gotta get there ahead of you" @$$hole$ race up to cut you off.
Most people will cooperate because it makes sense. A few won't.
I agree on #2 being wrong. There is an optimal merge point and it’s not 1/4 a mile away from the lane restriction. In some cases an exit may be before the single lane activity; nothing worse than a pair of 18-wheelers holding the works up.
Yeah, I agree that this one needs refinement. You often see the "zipper effect" where cars in the blocked lane start merging too soon, pushing the merge point inefficiently back hundreds of yards. Then everyone swears at the guy who drives past, merging at the correct point.
As far as the merge itself is concerned, people should follow the "1 and 1" rule - let exactly one car from the other lane go before you go.
Does anyone even slow down at stop signs anymore?
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