Posted on 09/03/2004 8:11:53 AM PDT by Alex Murphy
Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger - Bryan Callen Jesus Christ - David Herman Wise Man #1 - Phil LaMarr
On the screen we see a clear night sky filled with stars, one in particular being very large and bright.
TV Announcer: Unto this world, a child is born.
Camera pans down onto a small village. We see that the date is December 25, 0000. There is a strange kind of lighting is zapping around in between two small buildings. Suddenly the light forms a large silver sphere. A naked man hunching over appears and the sphere disappears. The man stands, and we see that it is Arnold Schwarzenegger. AS scans The Three Wise Men, who are coming towards him, and finds one man wearing a robe in his size.
Wise Man 1: Enjoying the night air, my brother?
AS: Your robes -- give them to me.
WM1: I come bearing many gifts, but I assure you my robes are not among them.
AS: What are you? Some kind of wise guy?
WM1: Well, actually -- yes!
AS punches WM1 in the face.
TV Announcer: He's back! Arnold Schwarzenegger is the The Terminator in "The Greatest Action Story Ever Told!"
We see AS again, now wearing WM1's robes, scanning around for Baby Jesus. He sees a sign on one front door that reads, "No Vacancy," and another that reads, "Gone to Nazareth."
AS (Putting on sunglasses.): Asta la vista, Baby Jesus.
We now see that it is 33 years later, and the full-grown Jesus is preaching to a bunch of people after handing out food.
Jesus: Alright, alright, settle down. Did I make enough? Good.
AS enters from behind J, carrying a gun.
J: Back to my sermon. Blessed are the --
The crowd screams at the sight of AS, and scatters. J turns to AS.
AS: Get down!
J ducks, and AS begins shooting soldiers.
AS (Offering J his hand): Come with me if you want to live.
J: What are you doing?
AS: They were going to arrest you.
J: I know.
AS: And crucify you.
J: It's supposed to happen.
AS: What are you? A glutton for punishment?
TV Announcer: In the beginning, there was Arnold.
AS and J are seen walking and talking.
AS: I'm a cybernetic organism; living tissue over metal endoskeleton. My mission is to protect you.
J: I appriciate your concern, and I realize you've traveled a great distance. But there's a plan, a master plan even, and I can't explain it to you now, but you must, you MUST stay away.
As J finishes his sentence, AS targets the soldiers, and aims to shoot them. As he pulls the trigger, J points the gun towards the sky, and the soldiers are saved.
J: And you cannot go around killing people!
AS: Why?
J: Because it is one of God's Commandments; thou shalt not kill.
AS: Why?
J: Because it is a sin.
AS: Why?
J: Because it's not nice!
AS: Why?
J (to God): Forgive him, Father. He is a robot from the future.
TV Announcer: Thou shalt not miss this movie. Now, come, witness the miracle!
We now see J and his Disciples at the Last Supper.
J (Standing): Brothers, my time with you is almost over. But for now, let us eat.
AS bursts in. He scans the room, finds Judas, realizes he will betray J.
AS: Eat this!
AS shoots Judas.
J: You just don't get it, do you?
AS: You have been targeted for termination.
J: I already told you! I'm supposed to die for the sins of mankind!
J brings Judas back to life.
AS: I'm programmed to protect you.
AS shoots Judas again.
J: STOP! STOP KILLING JUDAS!
AS: But he's going to betray you.
J: I know! Look, look, I've got a LOT on my mind right now, and you're REALLY starting to stress me out, OK? OK?!
J brings Judas back to life again.
AS: Pontius Pilate at 10 o'clock!
Everyone turns, and AS shoots Judas again.
J (Going for AS): Give me that thing!
TV Announcer: This Christmas, the meek shall inherit the action.
We now see the bottom of the cross, with J crucified on it, being dragged along, and people crying. A soldier moves, and we see AS standing next to an old woman who's crying.
AS: Don't worry, he'll be back.
AS puts his arm around the old lady, who begins sobbing again.
AS: What?
TV Announcer: Terminator Three! The Greatest Action Story Ever Told! Bless this film.
The skit presents us with an opportunity for discussion. Is time travel scientifically or theologically possible?
Some theological camps believe in the concepts of Foreknowledge (knowing what will happen in the future) and Predestination (exercising sovereign control over said events). Other theological camps hold to Foreknowledge but deny Predestination, asserting that God grants Man an unfettered will ("free will"), and God does not interfere in Man's exercise of that will. Still others would deny that God can even have perfect Foreknowledge of future events, because He cannot know the free will choices of Men until those choices are actually made.
Now throw into that mix the idea of time travel, specifically time travel into the past. Past events can be known (Foreknowledge) by our time traveller. Does our theoretical, theological time traveller have an unfettered will, or are future events (from the traveller's perspective) Predestined to come about regardless of the time traveller's actions? Could he or she, say, travel back to the events preceeding Exodus and assassinate Pharoah before all Ten Plagues are finished? Could he or she chop down the Burning Bush? Dump water on Gideon's fleece? Grab the coin out of the water, before the fish could swallow it (Matthew 17:27)? Could the time traveller have any impact on those events at all? God knows the number of hairs on our head (Luke 12:7) and when each sparrow falls (Matthew 10:29). The Apocryphal book Sirach says that even the grains of sand on the beach are numbered (Sirach 1:2, see also Psalm 139:18). To what extent are these things set in stone? Might that prevent a time traveller from even displacing the atoms in the air around him upon his arrival in the past?
I'm not asking that we debate the concepts of Foreknowledge and Predestination. Rather, I want to have a little fun by seeing how one's Soteriology plays out when confronted with Star Trek physics. There are no right or wrong answers here - only the opportunity to have some fun with smashing theology into technobabble.
Now with video!
http://www.nothingtodo.co.uk/view/1276/Movies/Humorous-Movies/The_Terminator_in_Biblical_Times.html
(clearest version, but missing first 30 seconds)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbDUKYfrkF4&mode=related&search=
(complete version)
Because good humor never goes out of style...and because I forgot to ping everyone two days earlier...
A new religious time-travel thread was posted earlier tonight, so it’s time to blow the dust off of this old thread of mine....
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