IS 'A MAJOR SLOB WHO NEVER KEPT HIS HALF OF THE CAVE CLEAN!'
By Marni-Rebecca Malarkey
WASHINGTON -- According to inside sources, top Al Qaeda operative Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has been "singing like a canary" since his arrest two weeks ago in Pakistan. Some of Sheikh Mohammed's revelations have helped American Special Forces in their hunt for Bin Laden, and American special operatives are now said to be only "two steps behind" the world-renowned lunatic, as opposed to the "two thousand steps, a donkey ride, a train trip, a crowded bus journey through the Urals and a slow boat to China" behind him that they were in February.
Other information Sheikh Mohammed has given American agents includes the fact that Bin Laden likes Kraft Dinner, hates Twizzlers ("they get stuck in his teeth"), loves to play the board version of World Jewish Conspiracy Jeopardy (the Muslim world's most popular TV game show), never gets tired of his collection of Pink CDs ("he loves the young people and their music") and is a "major slob," who "never kept his half of the cave clean."
Sheikh Mohammed even said that "Osama and I used to joke that we could star in an Arabic version of The Odd Couple, since, you know, I'm a total neat freak. I mean, the one thing I'm really looking forward to about being in an American prison is that you might have that 'Swiffer' product that isn't yet available in Afghanistan and Pakistan."
Donald Rumsfeld, responding to criticisms that Special Forces were using torture to get prisoners in the war on terror to talk, said that "all we did was hire an aesthetician to visit the Sheikh in his cell and threaten to wax him. That got him talking faster than any electrical appliances attached to his private parts ever could have."
Marni-Rebecca Malarkey is the author of 'The Underwire Chronicles' and can be contacted by e-mail at marnimarlarkey@yahoo.com
GERMAN CHANCELLOR SUES STEELY DAN
By William Grim
(The Hague) - - German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder has filed libel charges in the World Court against the American musical group Steely Dan.
The thin-skinned Chancellor, who only last year filed libel charges against German newspapers for reporting that he dyes his hair (which he does), is claiming in papers filed with the court that Steely Dan's song "Pretzel Logic" defames "the noble purity of the most important German foodstuff."
Mr. Schroeder also claims that the group's song "Two Against Nature" implies that "he and French Premier Jacques 'Iraq Jack' Chirac have engaged in carnal relations of a variety originating in the Greek peninsula."
Additionally, Mr. Schroeder claims that in their song "What a Shame About Me," Steely Dan has "composed a thinly-disguised roman a clef implying that the Chancellor of all the Aryan peoples is a failed clerk at the Strand Bookstore in New York City who regularly cavorts with members of races who have less-than-totally-pure German blood."
Spokesmen for Steely Dan said that they cannot comment on the case since it is currently being litigated.
DJ Adolf and Jimmy Katzenjammer -- the famous German hip-hop producers of such classics as the "Horst Wessel Song Remix" and who are the Honorary Chairmen of the German Society for the Racial Purity of Pop Music -- said in a news conference today that they hope this case will once and for all "remove all non-Aryan influences from jazz, blues and hip-hop music."
"Besides," added DJ Adolf, "Everyone knows that the blues originated in the Rhine River Delta outside of Hamburg."
The four-times married and notoriously womanizing Chancellor is said to be in seclusion in his Berlin bunker where he is recovering from the third in a series of penis-extension operations. If his lawsuit is successful, Mr. Schroeder says that he will use all of the money to invest in Nigerian email pyramid schemes in order to jump-start the German economy.
Broken Newz, © Copyright 2002 Broken Newz. All rights reserved.
HIGH SCHOOL FRENCH CLUB SURRENDERS TO GERMAN CLUB
By William Grim
(Grove City, Ohio) -- School officials in this suburban high school were informed today that members of the school's French Club have officially surrendered to the suburban high school's German Club.
"We felt it was the only thing we could do under the circumstances," said Mme. LaForge, who has taught sophomore French at Grove City HS since 1985 and is the newly-dubbed Vichy Club's advisor. "The boys in the German Club were threatening to pull down all the posters of the Eiffel Tower on the walls of the French classroom."
Herr Gruber, advisor to the German Club, scoffed at Mme. LaForge's assertions. "They are the whimperings of an inferior race who speak a language full of irregular verbs and idioms. In German, everything is standardized. Eine Reich! Ein Volk! Eine Grammatik!"
Dr. Sidney Biddlestreet, Superintendent of Schools for Grove City, declined to comment citing confidentiality laws and not really knowing what was going on at the high school.
Although details are sketchy at this point, Mme. LaForge did state in a communiqué that all French students will be closely collaborating with the German Club and that all non-Aryan students will be banned from taking French and going on the field trip to Paris during Spring Break.
AUTHORITIES PONDER TRANSFORMING FORMER NEVADA BROTHEL INTO BRANCH OF CLINTON LIBRARY
By Marni-Rebecca Malarkey
RENO -- According to informed sources, a precedent-setting idea is being floated around The Bureau of Land Management in Nevada. Recently, the agency assumed ownership of the infamous Mustang Ranch brothel and began seeking ideas on what to do with the prime riverfront property. The property, 15 miles east of Reno, was forfeited to the federal government in 1999 after guilty verdicts against the bordello's parent companies and manager in a federal fraud and racketeering trial. The women who worked there were evicted and the brothel was padlocked.
Federal officials say there's no chance the property will be used for prostitution in the future, but many other uses are under study, including a new role for the former brothel as a branch of the Clinton Library.
Several local historians have criticized the proposal, arguing that associating the popular Mustang Ranch brothel with Bill Clinton will sully the historical brothel's reputation. However, Clinton loyalists have rushed to defend the oddball scheme.
"I know," said the former president's former secretary Betty Currie. "It seems odd that a property in Nevada will become part of a museum based in Arkansas, but think about it. A brothel! Tax problems! Fraudulent behaviour! Racketeering! Unseemly comportment all around! A disgrace to our country! What could be a more fitting addition to the Clinton legacy?"
Authorities will not confirm whether Bill Clinton was a customer at the Mustang Ranch.....