Posted on 12/29/2015 6:13:17 AM PST by Kaslin
Part I in a series of widely held beliefs that are either untrue or meaningless:
In every age, people say and believe things that aren't true but somehow become accepted as "conventional wisdom."
The statement "I'm not ready to get married" is a current example. Said by more and more Americans between the ages of 21 and 40 (and some who are older than that), it usually qualifies as both meaningless and untrue. And it is one reason a smaller percentage of Americans are marrying than ever before.
So, here's a truth that young Americans need to hear:
Most people become "ready to get married" when they get married. Throughout history most people got married at a much younger age than people today. They were hardly "ready." They got married because society and/or their religion expected them to. And then, once married, people tended to rise to the occasion.
The same holds true for becoming a parent. Very few people are "ready" to become a parent. They become ready ... once they become a parent. In fact, the same holds true for any difficult job. What new lawyer was "ready" to take on his or her first clients? What new teacher, policeman, firefighter is "ready?"
You get ready to do something by doing it.
In addition, at least two bad things happen the longer you wait to get "ready" to be married.
One is that, if you are a woman, the number of quality single men declines. Among deniers of unpleasant realities -- people known as progressives, leftists, and feminists -- this truth is denied and labelled "sexist." But, as Susan Patton, a Princeton graduate, wrote in an article titled "Advice for the young women of Princeton," published in Princeton's student newspaper: "Find a husband on campus before you graduate. ... From a sheer numbers perspective, the odds will never be as good to be surrounded by all of these extraordinary men."
The other bad thing that happens when people wait until they are "ready" to get married is that they often end up waiting longer and longer. After a certain point, being single becomes the norm and the thought of marrying becomes less, not more, appealing. So over time you can actually become less "ready" to get married.
And one more thing: If you're 25 and not ready to commit to another person, in most cases -- even if you are a kind person, and a responsible worker or serious student -- "I'm not ready to get married" means "I'm not ready to stop being preoccupied with myself," or to put it as directly as possible, "I'm not ready to grow up." (No job on earth makes you grow up like getting married does.)
People didn't marry in the past only because they fell in love. And people can fall in love and not marry -- as happens frequently today. People married because it was a primary societal value. People understood that it was better for society and for the vast majority of its members that as many individuals as possible commit to someone and take care of that person. Among other things, when people stop taking care of one another, the state usually ends up doing so. Just compare the percentage of single people receiving welfare versus the percentage of married people.
Nor is the argument that the older people are when they marry, the less likely they are to divorce. This only applies in any significant way to those who marry as teenagers versus those who marry later. Moreover, the latest data are that those who marry in their early 30s are more likely to divorce than those who marry on their late 20s.
And then there is the economic argument. Many single men, for example, say they are not ready to get married because they don't have the income they would like to have prior to getting married. As responsible as this may sound, however, this is not a particularly rational argument. Why is marrying while at a low income a bad idea? In fact, marriage may be the best way to increase one's income. Men's income rises after marriage. They have less time to waste, and someone to help support -- two spurs to hard work and ambition, not to mention that most employers prefer men who are married. And can't two people live on less money than each would need if they lived on their own, paying for two apartments?
In addition to economic benefits, the vast majority of human beings do better when they have someone to come home to, someone to care for, and someone to care for them. And, no matter how much feminists and other progressives deny it, children do best when raised by a married couple. There are, most certainly, superb single parents. But every superb single parent I have ever spoken to wishes they had had a spouse with whom to raise their children.
Throughout history, and in every society, people married not when they were "ready" to marry, but when they reached marriageable age and were expected to assume adult responsibilities.
Finally, this statement reflects another negative trend in society -- that of people being guided by feelings rather than by standards or obligations. We live in an Age of Feelings. Aside from the rational and moral problems that derive from being guided by feelings rather than by reason and values, there is one other problem. In life, behavior shapes feelings. Act happy, you'll feel happy. Act single, you'll feel single. Act married, you'll feel married.
Do it, in other words. Then you'll be "ready."
or sugar mommy? Men aren’t the only ones with income potential!
I have equal earning potential to my husband, but while our children were young I only worked 1-2 days per month so I could devote my energy to raising the kids. Does that make my husband a sugar daddy? Hardly, I worked every bit as hard then as I work now with full time employment.
Having said that most marriages do better when both parties have roughly equal education and earning potential. This is
particularly true when the woman has high potential. I have seen a lot of marriages with stay at home husbands, but they rarely work out long term.
Running perpetually was a series of clips of attractive, young people helicopter skiing, rock climbing, boating over waterfalls, zip-lining across canyons, staring at hungry animals, and hiking (in Bauer shorts and boots and packs) across a variety of wild and desolate-looking landscapes. On the bottom of the screen ran the legend, “Live Your Adventure!†The store itself sold a wide variety of stuff, from a blingingly ugly set of multi-colored ski clothes to a metal flask with four small metal shot glasses so you could share a drink with three of your closest friends while you sit in a tent suspended 10,000 feet above a canyon while hanging from the side of a snow-covered mountain. Neat, clean, stylishly-dressed adventure for a few hours or days.
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore! Dream! Discover!†- Mark Twain
“Live Your Adventure†seemed a bit sad and flat. I suspect Twain would be sad. For some of us, our adventure was the US military, flying all over the world and having adventures about which Eddie Bauer customers can only dream. Perhaps today's "adventure" is just one more domesticated fantasy. Dick's "We can remember it for you wholesale" come true.
I wasn’t “ready” to get married when I got married at 18 but after a wedding night and having twins right away I grew up fast. Reality is a very unforgiving teacher.
But marriage and parenthood ended up being wonderful and I am thankful for my choice as opposed to following the lead of the lesbian feminists who want women to have careers and then only have children as accessories to a ‘lifestyle’.
IMHO I think too many women being self-important bitches is the major disincentive for men to marry.
I didn't get a chance to comment until now :)
Why buy a bull when you don't have to?
Eukaryote has always been at war with eusocial.
When the benefit of the whole does not harm the benefit of the individual, you will get better participation from the individual.
And I think you’re one of the few good guys, Tom!
(-:
And I don't think her dislike of piano players, or at least that particular piano player, is based on the reason one might expect.
That definitely works both ways.
Well said Tiger.
Admittedly, there are sugar mommies around as well. And if both partners agree that, when having children, the mom should stay home and raise them, then there shouldn’t be a problem. But I know women who quit their jobs to raise the kids, then insisted that Dad take on half the housework and childcare as well as bringing home all the bacon. Sure, a man should be a father to his kids, but should he have to work all day, come home to a dirty house with dishes in the sink, no meal, and then put the kids to bed while Mom takes off with her friends?
What premise? That I think there's more to our societal dysfunction than "sex is too easy for men to get outside of marriage"?
I know a young man, 25, who has absolutely no interest whatsoever in dating, marriage, or even in meeting women. He's not sleeping around, or if he is, he's doing it at work during his 15 minute breaks (pretty unlikely), so "sex is too easy to get" is certainly not the answer in his case.
"He's a metrosexual wimp" ... well, he's a lance corporal in the Marine reserves, and survived Parris Island boot camp. Does that sound like a metrosexual wimp to you?
So, I know, from personal observation of this young man, that there's more to it than "sex is too easy for men to get". Maybe for some men it is.
Here's a data point for you, though: he's complained that women his age are "crazy," that they think a request for a date is virtually a marriage proposal (and so turn it down almost instantly -- would you marry a guy you barely knew?), and do stuff like announcing at the beginning of a date, "Now, you know, this isn't going to lead to any kind of relationship or anything, right?"
True.
I think a lot of the problem is that young people are kept in a state of arrested development by schooling.
Try to say "mature college student." It's not easy.
No matter what they do, whether they perform well or poorly, they show up at the same gray building at the point of a gun and sit behind a gray desk in a gray room.
It made me crazy.
Work sobers kids up. They need to experience cause and effect DIRECTLY. My wife works at a supermarket and can't believe the change in the teens she used to work with when they visit in their 20s. They often apologize for their teenage obnoxiousness.
I think the term "teenager" arose around WWII, which would generally coincide with more young people staying in school through high school.
Few people will admit that.
Responsible men can become more deeply convinced of the truth of the doctrine laid down by the Church on this issue if they reflect on the consequences of methods and plans for artificial birth control.Let them first consider how easily this course of action could open wide the way for marital infidelity and a general lowering of moral standards. Not much experience is needed to be fully aware of human weakness and to understand that human beings - and especially the young, who are so exposed to temptation - need incentives to keep the moral law, and it is an evil thing to make it easy for them to break that law.
Another effect that gives cause for alarm is that a man who grows accustomed to the use of contraceptive methods may forget the reverence due to a woman, and, disregarding her physical and emotional equilibrium, reduce her to being a mere instrument for the satisfaction of his own desires, no longer considering her as his partner whom he should surround with care and affection.
It is a lot different today for males than it was 40 years ago.
>>I’m not sure why Dennis didn’t mention that ready access to consequence free sex is the primary disincentive for men to marry.
There is also the fact that family law is heavily stacked against males, from what I see and read. Hard to say which is primary, they are both important factors.
It used to be a given that one had to be married in order to move up the corporate ladder. Not so much anymore.
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