Posted on 08/16/2015 4:45:34 AM PDT by Kaslin
There is no human being who, looking back on their life, hasn’t had the thought, “If I only knew then what I know now…” It’s human nature. No matter how long ago “then” was, hindsight is always 20/20.
This isn’t about Hillary Clinton and her secret, unsecured email server. She didn’t make a bad choice and end up skirting the law; she made a conscious decision and is now getting caught. That’s karma, not virgin ignorance.
No, I’m not writing about Hillary’s ever-changing email excuses (I already analyzed that here on Friday) or anything else political. This is personal – perhaps the highest level of personal: my wedding.
In less than a month, Labor Day weekend, your daughters, sisters, girlfriends, etc., will be safe because I will be married. That day cannot come soon enough!
You’ve (sort of) met my fiancé Heather, or at least read of her and her story of how, while in college, she fought for and won the mandatory display of the American flag in every classroom, kindergarten through college, in Florida and wrote about it in this column back in March.
That I have met someone who not only could put up with me and my smart-aleck sense of humor, but agree to spend the rest of their life with me should stand as a testament to the fact that there is someone out there for everyone. Forget Obama; I’m the bringer of hope.
So what I say next has to be seen through that prism. It’s not a complaint, per se; it’s a warning. If you are already married, this may serve as a reminder of some memories you’d rather forget. If you aren’t yet married, consider this the warning no one thought to give me.
Elope.
I am no fan of Las Vegas, but it’s only a couple of hours away from wherever you are right now. Fly there, invite family and some friends, but make it clear they are under no obligation to come, and elope.
This isn’t a knock against the institution of marriage. I wouldn’t be entering into it if I didn’t believe in it. This is a knock against the hurdles, the hassles and the time and money you have to spend to finally get there.
My parents got married very young more than 50 years ago, and they’re still in love to the point that they gross out me and my siblings. But they’ve never had any money. Neither graduated high school. My dad drove a forklift for GM and my mother is disabled – so their story of the $150 wedding and reception only serves to remind me of how I was born at the wrong time.
I’m the youngest of five – born late, after they thought they couldn’t have any more kids. Their best “mistake,” I half-jokingly tell them. But none of my siblings warned me about how much things have changed when they got married.
Since no one warned me, let me warn you – the act of getting married is a long, expensive process.
As a man, I never spent one second thinking about what kind of wedding I wanted. Never. I always knew I would get married, but how that would come about kind of seemed like something that would be pretty easy – pick a day, get the church, dress up, show up, boom. Fool.
I am Catholic; she was Baptist. She converted (of her own accord, not at my prodding), so a Catholic wedding it will be. This differs by church, but each (I’m told) has some sort of required marriage prep course. Ours was four days – Thursday night, Friday night, all day Saturday, all day Sunday. It was a lot like taking a prerequisite course for a class you’ve already had, but the box was checked.
Although the class was not cheap, it was at least the only option. Shopping around for a venue for the reception, the food, the booze, the cake, flowers, etc., etc., will make you old fast. And don’t get me started on the guest list.
Who knew so much went into a simple party? Well, OK, not simple, but still a party.
You will be ruled by your budget. Everyone would love to have pictures in a glorious ballroom, and orchestra nestled in the corner while elegantly dressed models danced and sipped champagne. Unless your last name is Trump, that’s why God created PhotoShop.
Our ballroom is a hall attached to the Church; our orchestra is an iPod with a Bluetooth speaker, and our dancing models are on strike. I’m typing this next to a couple of cases of moderately prices wine. Beer will be purchased closer to the day.
The food is set. The cake, which I have to assume turns into gold after digestion based on the price of what amounts to sugar, eggs, flour and more sugar, is ordered. The only detail remaining (and I type that with all the hope of Ralphie in “A Christmas Story” hunting for his Red Rider BB Gun under the tree) is the flowers.
Who, in a room full of people with cameras on their phones, will take the pictures? Someone … that’s all I know. And who will record it? Someone. (Has anyone ever watched their wedding video? Ever? But it must be recorded, apparently.)
What I’m trying to say, if I’m trying to say anything and not just vent, is to remember that this day isn’t about you. It isn’t even really about your bride, though people try to tell you it is. It’s really about…your parents.
They want to watch you get married; it’s sort of a finish line for them raising you. They cry, either because they’re happy or because it lessens the possibility you’ll move back in with them, or maybe both. And they can, at least momentarily, rest what I have to assume is the worry of all parents – that they did all right in raising the human being they created.
But they can cry, feel proud, be happy and whatever else in Vegas just as easily. And although you may still leave Vegas in the poorhouse, at least you’ll know exactly where your money went.
As a bit of a postscript, this isn’t in any way a slam against marriage, just whoever created thick-stock paper for invitations/thank you notes and the concept of “engagement photos.” Marriage is a wonderful institution (or so I’m told), the industry that has cropped up around it is the root of all non-progressive evil.
That being said, I’m a lucky man. If you’ve read this and my other columns over the last few years and find yourself wondering who would marry this guy?!?! … well, you can see for yourself here. If you’re so inclined, feel free to toss a little something into the general fund. Maybe you can help save me from my idea of running into community gardens the night before to avoid having to give a guy my left arm for a few flowers.
The wedding industry is ridiculous. I was a part of it as a dj for a number of years long ago. There were good and bad ones. The simple ones are the best. Fewer things to be potentially screwed up. And almost every one had screwups about something. If you did not have a sense of humour about things you were in for an awful day.
My oldest daughters have decided on a cheap wedding and any money that would have been spent, put down on a house. Sounds like a good plan to me....if we can still afford it after putting 5 kids through college and grad school. They may be getting married in the backyard. I promise to put the dogs up.
Impressive! I’m at 31 years and counting....
First, a horror story. One of my best friends raised a daughter. He spent over $60,000 sending her to a four-year college. As soon as she finished, she decided to get married so he had to spend another $30,000 on a wedding. Well, maybe he didn't have to spend that much but as pointed out in the article, it doesn't take much to run up the cost of even an average wedding.
But here's the punchline. Within three years, her marriage fell apart and now she's living back at home with two children. So the poor guy spend about $100,000 to get her educated and out of the house and now she's right back under his roof where she started.
Makes me glad I had two sons and no daughters!
When I got married back in the 1980s, I would have been perfectly fine eloping for a weekend in Las Vegas. Have an Elvis impersonator do the wedding and then party down at the Circus Circus or Caesers Palace. I would have been fine with that. I would have had cheap champagne poured in the bathtub and rose petals dumped in the bedsheets. After all, I'm a romantic kind of guy.
But my wife would have none of that. Instead, it was the full Italian wedding experience from soup to nuts. Right down to the chicken dance at the reception. It was a year of hell preparing for that one day. Well, mostly hell for my bride-to-be and my future mother-in-law. I let them deal with all the nonsense of lining up photographers and deciding what color the flower arrangement would be and all that other stuff.
I just told them to let me know what time to show up and what to wear. So I got off pretty easily. But I think even back then, it was a $50,000 wedding. This was back in the mid 1980s so a lot of money.
What a racket.
License fee - nil, Five bucks maybe.
I agree with you on the fancy smancy weddings. I have not paid for one but I have attended a few and many of them didn’t work. My husband and I had a very simple wedding, I wore a borrowed dress and it has held together for almost 58 years ( if I counted right) .
( geese can it really be that long?)
How about “up pantsing” instead?
Mrs L is in the “wedding industry” and believe me that’s exactly what it is.
Her advice:
Invite 5 or 6 close friends and immediate family.
Put all the rest of the cash into a down payment on a house.
L
Another witness to the theory that simpler weddings equal longer marriages... We’ve been married 34 years and we had a very small, simple church ceremony and very simple reception In a condo community room. It was still one of the best days of my life.
If hubby and I make it to next Sunday (Aug23), we will have 67 years under our belts. Ours was an evening wedding with only his twin sister and her husband as witnesses at the church with cake and punch at parents home after. Cost-$25.00 for pastor. We have been blessed.
Let’s hear it for long marriages! Congrats!
If I get married, which I doubt, it would be to theorist girlfriend. One ceremony inland for her family, one in Cali for mine. I never understood the huge effort that some put in to weddings.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.