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I’m Never Doing This Again
Townhall.com ^ | August 16, 2015 | Derek Hunter

Posted on 08/16/2015 4:45:34 AM PDT by Kaslin

There is no human being who, looking back on their life, hasn’t had the thought, “If I only knew then what I know now…” It’s human nature. No matter how long ago “then” was, hindsight is always 20/20.

This isn’t about Hillary Clinton and her secret, unsecured email server. She didn’t make a bad choice and end up skirting the law; she made a conscious decision and is now getting caught. That’s karma, not virgin ignorance.

No, I’m not writing about Hillary’s ever-changing email excuses (I already analyzed that here on Friday) or anything else political. This is personal – perhaps the highest level of personal: my wedding.

In less than a month, Labor Day weekend, your daughters, sisters, girlfriends, etc., will be safe because I will be married. That day cannot come soon enough!

You’ve (sort of) met my fiancé Heather, or at least read of her and her story of how, while in college, she fought for and won the mandatory display of the American flag in every classroom, kindergarten through college, in Florida and wrote about it in this column back in March.

That I have met someone who not only could put up with me and my smart-aleck sense of humor, but agree to spend the rest of their life with me should stand as a testament to the fact that there is someone out there for everyone. Forget Obama; I’m the bringer of hope.

So what I say next has to be seen through that prism. It’s not a complaint, per se; it’s a warning. If you are already married, this may serve as a reminder of some memories you’d rather forget. If you aren’t yet married, consider this the warning no one thought to give me.

Elope.

I am no fan of Las Vegas, but it’s only a couple of hours away from wherever you are right now. Fly there, invite family and some friends, but make it clear they are under no obligation to come, and elope.

This isn’t a knock against the institution of marriage. I wouldn’t be entering into it if I didn’t believe in it. This is a knock against the hurdles, the hassles and the time and money you have to spend to finally get there.

My parents got married very young more than 50 years ago, and they’re still in love to the point that they gross out me and my siblings. But they’ve never had any money. Neither graduated high school. My dad drove a forklift for GM and my mother is disabled – so their story of the $150 wedding and reception only serves to remind me of how I was born at the wrong time.

I’m the youngest of five – born late, after they thought they couldn’t have any more kids. Their best “mistake,” I half-jokingly tell them. But none of my siblings warned me about how much things have changed when they got married.

Since no one warned me, let me warn you – the act of getting married is a long, expensive process.

As a man, I never spent one second thinking about what kind of wedding I wanted. Never. I always knew I would get married, but how that would come about kind of seemed like something that would be pretty easy – pick a day, get the church, dress up, show up, boom. Fool.

I am Catholic; she was Baptist. She converted (of her own accord, not at my prodding), so a Catholic wedding it will be. This differs by church, but each (I’m told) has some sort of required marriage prep course. Ours was four days – Thursday night, Friday night, all day Saturday, all day Sunday. It was a lot like taking a prerequisite course for a class you’ve already had, but the box was checked.

Although the class was not cheap, it was at least the only option. Shopping around for a venue for the reception, the food, the booze, the cake, flowers, etc., etc., will make you old fast. And don’t get me started on the guest list.

Who knew so much went into a simple party? Well, OK, not simple, but still a party.

You will be ruled by your budget. Everyone would love to have pictures in a glorious ballroom, and orchestra nestled in the corner while elegantly dressed models danced and sipped champagne. Unless your last name is Trump, that’s why God created PhotoShop.

Our ballroom is a hall attached to the Church; our orchestra is an iPod with a Bluetooth speaker, and our dancing models are on strike. I’m typing this next to a couple of cases of moderately prices wine. Beer will be purchased closer to the day.

The food is set. The cake, which I have to assume turns into gold after digestion based on the price of what amounts to sugar, eggs, flour and more sugar, is ordered. The only detail remaining (and I type that with all the hope of Ralphie in “A Christmas Story” hunting for his Red Rider BB Gun under the tree) is the flowers.

Who, in a room full of people with cameras on their phones, will take the pictures? Someone … that’s all I know. And who will record it? Someone. (Has anyone ever watched their wedding video? Ever? But it must be recorded, apparently.)

What I’m trying to say, if I’m trying to say anything and not just vent, is to remember that this day isn’t about you. It isn’t even really about your bride, though people try to tell you it is. It’s really about…your parents.

They want to watch you get married; it’s sort of a finish line for them raising you. They cry, either because they’re happy or because it lessens the possibility you’ll move back in with them, or maybe both. And they can, at least momentarily, rest what I have to assume is the worry of all parents – that they did all right in raising the human being they created.

But they can cry, feel proud, be happy and whatever else in Vegas just as easily. And although you may still leave Vegas in the poorhouse, at least you’ll know exactly where your money went.

As a bit of a postscript, this isn’t in any way a slam against marriage, just whoever created thick-stock paper for invitations/thank you notes and the concept of “engagement photos.” Marriage is a wonderful institution (or so I’m told), the industry that has cropped up around it is the root of all non-progressive evil.

That being said, I’m a lucky man. If you’ve read this and my other columns over the last few years and find yourself wondering who would marry this guy?!?! … well, you can see for yourself here. If you’re so inclined, feel free to toss a little something into the general fund. Maybe you can help save me from my idea of running into community gardens the night before to avoid having to give a guy my left arm for a few flowers.


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Editorial
KEYWORDS: derekhunter; gaykkk; homosexualagenda; libertarians; marriage; medicalmarijuana; townhall; wedding
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1 posted on 08/16/2015 4:45:34 AM PDT by Kaslin
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To: Kaslin

This must not be in the South. First Saturday of college football season.


2 posted on 08/16/2015 4:58:17 AM PDT by MuttTheHoople (Yes, Liberals, I question your patriotism)
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To: Kaslin

That was painful to even skim, trying to see if it went anywhere.


3 posted on 08/16/2015 5:03:18 AM PDT by Larry Lucido
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To: Kaslin
Elope. ...Since no one warned me, let me warn you – the act of getting married is a long, expensive process.

Took a long time to get to his point but it is worth it. We've tried to past this advise on to a number of people but to no avail. Lot of money for little benefit.

4 posted on 08/16/2015 5:16:32 AM PDT by HarleyD ("... letters are weighty, but his .. presence is weak, and his speech of no account.")
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To: Kaslin

The funny thing is, he’s Catholic, so the quickie Vegas wedding is out for him, personally (wedding banns for starters). My wife and I took a lot of his advice (boombox for the music, though, no iPods yet). My wife and her sisters made the cake, a fruitcake. I was not-thrilled with the idea of fruitcake, but it turns out THAT is the traditional wedding cake. BTW, fruitcake does not have to be made nasty. The one made for our wedding was palatable.

Because of extreme distance, we got a waiver for the prep course, and were allowed individual private exams by our respective priests... much better.

As a general rule of thumb, there is an inverse relationship between the expense of the reception and the longevity of the marriage (in a civil sense, all validly contractyed marriages betwen Christians are indissoluble until death).


5 posted on 08/16/2015 5:22:31 AM PDT by Dr. Sivana (There is no salvation in politics)
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To: MuttTheHoople
This must not be in the South. First Saturday of college football season.

A good friend of mine scheduled his wedding reception during the 1988 Dodgers-Mets NLCS. I snuck out to get updates regularly.
6 posted on 08/16/2015 5:24:00 AM PDT by Dr. Sivana (There is no salvation in politics)
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To: HarleyD

No one is forced to spend the amount the author is spending. These are his choices and those of his intended.

One can still be married by a JP.


7 posted on 08/16/2015 5:34:48 AM PDT by billyboy15
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To: Kaslin

We took care of everything ourselves. A friend took pictures for me in black & white for archival purposes...color doesn’t last. Set up my stereo for music. Decorated ourselves. Relatives prepared the meal. My wife was catholic and she converted to true Christianity. Nearing 30 years married. Marriage has been HARD work for many reasons and has worked out okay, but, I’m never doing this again.


8 posted on 08/16/2015 5:37:59 AM PDT by MeneMeneTekelUpharsin (Freedom is the freedom to discipline yourself so others don't have to do it for you.)
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To: Kaslin

We managed to have a simple yet meaningful wedding. A friend had an over the top wedding a few weeks before with many of the same guests. People were telling us how much fun our wedding was for years.

We did it for about $2000


9 posted on 08/16/2015 5:38:40 AM PDT by cyclotic
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To: Kaslin
That still leaves the problem of which Elvis to choose to officiate:


10 posted on 08/16/2015 5:39:03 AM PDT by P.O.E. (Pray for America)
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To: Kaslin

First, Mazel Tov to the soon-to-be-newlyweds.

Second, I can tell you this ... as long as you can make a joke about any troublesome time, keep that going. The other side of that coin, well, you can figure that out.

How do i know? I’m a Viet vet. I’m a cancer survivor, complete with ‘appliance’, and i don’t mean a kitchen one. I’m a Hurricane Katrina survivor. (After seeing a 25 foot Ryder truck bounce down the street, one wonders who the poor soul would be, who would end up renting ‘that’ one!) I had three complete career changes, including a rocket scientist (I became allergic to the clean room white suit).

Third, yes everybody, there is ‘someone’ that is put on this Earth for you. 15 years, amid mortality’s frailties, and still going. I asked ‘that’ question, and she said ‘no’.

I wish you two well.


11 posted on 08/16/2015 5:43:07 AM PDT by Terry L Smith
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To: Kaslin

Don’t put “Hillary Clinton” and “up skirting” in the same paragraph!


12 posted on 08/16/2015 5:43:12 AM PDT by Corey Ohlis (Visualize Swirled Peas)
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To: Kaslin

My wedding 33 years ago:
$25 - Pastor
$25 - Organist
$25 - Church Janitor
$25 - Church General fund
$250 - Cream colored wool Pendleton skirt/suit for the bride (she used it for many other occasions after our wedding)
$0 - Three piece suit for me, already owned by me.
$0 - Wedding cake made by my best friend’s sister as her gift to us.
$0 - Sandwich fixings and other food/soft drinks supplied by my parents as their gift to us.
$0 - Booze supplied by my older brother as his gift to us.
$0 - Reception held at my home (I purchased it from my parents when they retired).

About 25 guests and everybody commented how great and fun the whole day was.


13 posted on 08/16/2015 5:55:41 AM PDT by OldMissileer (Atlas, Titan, Minuteman, PK. Winners of the Cold War)
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To: Kaslin
My wife and I married 35 years ago this November...

We spent about $400.00, so in today's money that probably about $1,200...

The idiot TV shows about weddings is what really got the ball spinning out of control...

People spending six months salary on just the dress only...you have to be really, really stupid to do that..

Over the top wedding day ceremonies costing 10's of thousands of dollars...

Diamond Rings that run several thousands dollars...

I married off two daughters, give them a $5,000 budget...

I told them if they can't get married for $5,000, they would need to cover the rest...

BTW, I only bought my beautiful bride a diamond ring for our 20th anniversary, when I could afford it...

She wears it over her simple gold ring I put on her finger the day I married her...

My suggestion, is real simple...make a budget and stick it...you can have a beautiful wedding with all the bells and whistles for about $8,000...

If the bride doesn't go out of her mind...

Oh' buy some duct tape for the bridesmaids mouths, they have lots of very expensive ideas, of course they aren't paying for it..

14 posted on 08/16/2015 5:58:42 AM PDT by Popman (Christ Alone: My Cornerstone...)
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To: Kaslin

Later


15 posted on 08/16/2015 6:05:24 AM PDT by gaijin
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To: Kaslin

Cue the 4 Yorkies! Mr. Hunter’s parents blew $150? My parents were sinfully rich, Mommy had a ballroom in her house, and they didn’t throw a reception.
When anyone talks about going into hock for a fairytale wedding, she delivers such a rant. Better than even her college rant or her mortgage rant!


16 posted on 08/16/2015 6:08:47 AM PDT by Buttons12
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To: Dr. Sivana
he’s Catholic, so the quickie Vegas wedding is out for him

True. And marriage-prep of some kind is usually a Diocesan requirement.

However, after that, the only real logistic issue for a Catholic wedding is that it has to be in a Catholic Church and include witnesses. If you've got a priest or deacon, the couple getting married, and the secretary and the custodian in a corner of the sanctuary, it's legit.

17 posted on 08/16/2015 6:10:08 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("All the time live the truth with love in your heart." ~Fr. Ho Lung)
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To: Tax-chick

Wife and I got married by a judge in the courthouse. Cost - zip. Longevity - 45 years and counting.


18 posted on 08/16/2015 6:22:37 AM PDT by CPOSharky (I was born with nothing, and I still have most of it.)
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To: CPOSharky

Congratulations on your success! (You didn’t even have a fee for the license?)


19 posted on 08/16/2015 6:41:59 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("All the time live the truth with love in your heart." ~Fr. Ho Lung)
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To: Dr. Sivana
BTW, fruitcake does not have to be made nasty. The one made for our wedding was palatable.

Actually I think the nastiest fruit cake I have ever tasted would beat almost any wedding cake I have tasted.

I am not a fan of cake for starters and I absolutely hate confectioners cakes (white cake is the worst).

20 posted on 08/16/2015 6:43:43 AM PDT by Pontiac (The welfare state must fail because it is contrary to human nature and diminishes the human spirit.)
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