Posted on 09/07/2014 9:00:02 AM PDT by Kaslin
Good morning. This is your captain. We'll be cruising today at an altitude of 30,000 feet, and we expect to arrive at our destination on time. Then we'll spend 45 minutes on the tarmac waiting for a gate to open up, because apparently, the airport folks had no idea we were coming.
Our flight crew will be coming through the cabin shortly to offer you a choice of lukewarm beverages along with a tiny chemical-infused snack that wouldn't sustain a gerbil through a cold night. You're welcome to take a nap, if you can sleep through me coming on the intercom to inform you of things you couldn't care less about.
And if there's anything we can do to make your flight more pleasant, please let us know so we can figure out if there's a way to charge you for it.
But I want to make a special announcement today. My last flight got diverted because a couple of knuckleheads started screaming and throwing things at each other. Turns out one of them wanted to recline a seat and the other took offense. I really hate detours. So let me tell you how it's going to be.
You all bought a ticket for a seat that reclines, which means if you want to recline, you're entitled to do it. I'm not saying you should. Just because you're free to spend the entire flight sobbing to your seatmates about your breakup or berating them with your opinion of Barack Obama doesn't mean it's a considerate thing to do. Just because you are allowed to scratch and belch en route doesn't mean your mother would approve.
But if we wanted to prevent our passengers from reclining, we would install seats that don't recline. So if the person in front of you leans back, you have several options. You can politely ask if he or she would mind not reclining, or at least not reclining quite so far. You can buy him or her a drink as an incentive.
You can pull out a twenty-dollar bill and pay an old-fashioned cash bribe. Heck, I don't care if you offer sexual favors, as long as they don't happen on board. If nothing else works, you can weep and beg.
What you can't do is use a "Knee Defender" to block the seat from reclining. You can't push against the seat until the other person returns the seat to its upright position. You can't scream and swear and throw things. If you do, we'll land at the nearest airport and let the cops put you in a seat you'll find even less comfy.
If our policy offends you, let me make some suggestions. Next time, buy a seat that has extra legroom. Or upgrade to first class. Or patronize one of the airlines whose seats don't budge.
Or just forget flying. I hear Amtrak cars have more room than airline cabins. You could get in your car and drive. You could stay home.
But if being stuck with a reclining seat in your face bothers you so much, let me bring out the world's smallest violin to play a microscopic sad song. Your ancestors probably came across the ocean in steerage, crammed into dim spaces with smelly strangers for weeks at a time, fighting off rats and scurvy.
Or they may have come in slave ships against their will, where they had a truly excellent chance of dying. They may have crossed the continent in a bone-jarring covered wagon eating buffalo jerky three meals a day.
_And you? You have to endure modestly cramped quarters for a few hours to be transported vast distances they would have needed weeks or months to cover. Boo friggin' hoo.
Face it, people: You've made it clear you want a low price more than you want comfort, so this airline has provided it, often losing money in the process. That's why we have to charge for bags and meals that used to cost you nothing. Factor in inflation, and you pay a whole lot less than passengers did back in 1979.
If you were willing to pony up for more space, my employer would be happy to install a La-Z-Boy for every traveler. But you're cheap. You squeeze every nickel till Thomas Jefferson screams. And then you wonder why we pack you in so tight.
So be grateful for the bargain fare. And notice: It's not spelled F-A-I-R.
Eggzackly.
I think, however, that there should be some way for the person in front to let the person in back know the seat is about the recline. Couple times I’ve nearly had a computer damaged by somebody reclining the seat unexpectedly.
27 Pilots And Flight Attendants Confess Dark Secrets You Need To Know About Flying
Should be noted that the immigrant ships also had a high death rate, quite possibly as high or even higher than those on the slave ships.
The slaver captains, after all, had a financial incentive to keep slave alive. The immigrant ship operators didn't have an incentive to minimize deaths. The "coffin ships" of the Potato Famine often had death rates over 30%.
We don’t miss flying at all. We haven’t flown since 2006 and have no plans for it for the next 30 years at least.
What a great read! Thank you for posting it.
Good point, and I didn’t know that little factoid.
It doesn’t even require any particular malice or neglect or extra care on the parts of the respective captains. The slavers started with cargoes of healthy able-bodied young men and women; the coffin ships, the very young, the elderly, the sickly and half-starved refugees yearning to breathe free.
If I’m paying for a seat, I will recline. Period. Having said that, I rarely fly anymore. But when I do, it’s business class.
Can’t argue with that. But I miss the days when vacation started at the airport.
I’m responding from Bastogne Belgium. Flight from JFK was actually. Pretty pleasant.
I guess the airline has no fault for squeezing in more sats and still having the reclining feature. What next double deck the seats?
Amen - 2008 was my last time on an airplane and I now arrange my life to avoid it. The next problem on the horizon is how to do an Alaska cruise without flying. It’s a long drive from the center of the US to Seattle or Vancouver.
I used to fly a lot for business, and of course I -- or my employer -- paid the worst fares possible. I really don't understand why customers put up with this industry -- it seems to stand the usual business/consumer relationship on its head. The service is bad, so we use it more, so it gets even worse?
Back in the 1970s when I first started working, I flew everywhere. Back then, even coach wasn't bad. Today, I'm retired on a fixed income, so I can't afford to travel like I used to. But even if I could afford it, I'm reluctant to fly. Just so not worth it.
I agree, because common courtesy dictates that. That doesn’t mean however the person in the backseat has to be an *A* hole. Courtesy goes both ways
You're very welcome?
That was GREAT! Enjoyed reading it.
Actually, to veer from the subject of this thread for a bit, slavers only needed about 25% of their cargo to survive to pay for the trip and turn a profit. This gave birth to a controversial theory; that black Americans excelled at sports because only the physically strongest of them survived to pass on their genes.
Michael Savage calls them flying concentration camps, where the guards are ready to kneecap you with a stainless steel drink cart if you get out of line.
So and according to you, the person behind you paid for his or her seat to be squashed by you? Nice...Not
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