Culture Challenge of the Week: Parent....or Friend?

As my daughter, Kristin, and I recently browsed through my last book, 30 Ways in 30 Days to Save Your Family, we came across a chapter entitled, Vow To Be The Parent (Not Your Child’s Best Friend). I had to laugh to myself because Kristin—my third and youngest child—is now 22 and married, and I know my days of "active parenting" are more or less over. She is now first and foremost a friend. As long as there is breath in me I will be her mother - ready to provide counsel and advice as I am invited to share it.

This new primary role takes some adjusting to for both of us (mainly me), but I love and cherish this stage in our relationship as I have every stage of our lives.

Kristin was actively involved in helping me edit many of the chapters in 30 Ways in 30 Days to Save Your Family. Though she was still in high school at the time, she was already a gifted writer and a thoughtful young woman, and her feedback was incredibly useful. She encouraged me to redraft several sections, helped keep me motivated through long days of writing or when I was having difficulty expressing myself, and even wrote a brief introduction which I included along with my own. As she grew and improved her own writing skills throughout her college years, I more and more frequently asked for her help and perspective as I wrote my weekly columns.

Battling the culture in parenting and family matters has been the primary focus of my study, writing and speaking throughout the years. My goal has always been to encourage and assist parents to follow their God-given instincts and convictions as they raise their children, and to inspire them to become the parents that God created them to be. With my children now grown, I have the opportunity to view their lives and hear their feedback - and I consider them reliable testimonies to my and my husband’s successes and failures as parents. I also believe that the fact that they are in their twenties means they understand some of the challenges facing teens and children better than people my age do.

In fact, I believe that so deeply that my column will soon morph into a joint one, co-authored by Kristin and me. So when you read the byline in coming weeks you’ll notice her name there with mine. Our hope is that together we will provide insight and advice for strengthening your family from the perspectives of two generations. We are two women in very different places in life's journey, but who share a bedrock commitment to the undying, timeless values and principles outlined in God's word. Ours is a work of love for you - for husbands and wives, dads and moms, who seek nothing less than God's best for your relationships with each other and for your family unit as a whole. We desire to help you have marriages that will withstand all the tests and trials of modern American life, and to raise children who will tower above the culture.

Now, back to the chapter in the book, Vow To Be The Parent (Not Your Child’s Best Friend). When Kristin read it, she laughed too and shared her thoughts:

"My parents did it well. The chapter focuses on how important it is to be able to say “no” to your children, but I must say that my brothers and I didn’t hear the word very often. I think that’s part of the reason why the word "no" always held so much weight. There was no use arguing once Mom or Dad said the word because we knew they meant it. "No" meant "no". Period. We honestly didn’t have much of a choice but to respect the decision. But even though I respected it, I can’t say that I was always appreciative. At least not in the moment.

'There will be a few tears here and there, even some hurt feelings from time to time, but, believe it or not, the sky won’t fall.'

"Sometimes it did feel like the sky was falling. I remember the cringe-worthy embarrassment of telling my friends that no, I couldn’t see the movie with them, because my mom thought it was inappropriate. But even though it may have felt like the sky was falling, it never did. I moved on.

'In retrospect, kids appreciate when their parents lay down the law. They realize, years after the fact, that it was done out of love (although you can be sure they were sometimes convinced that their parents “hated” them.) And that’s the point. You’re the adult—it’s your job to look down that road and do what it takes to ensure their future happiness. And that means acting like a parent.'

"Mom was right. A couple weeks ago my husband and I walked out of a movie because we didn’t feel like sitting there, awkwardly pretending not to be bothered by what was on the screen. If my mom had bought me a ticket to the same movie when I was 13, I would have been just as uncomfortable sitting there with my friends, but I would have felt too awkward to get up and leave. Now that I’m buying my own tickets, I’m thankful that my parents said no to movies with that kind of content because they taught me that it’s OK to say no for myself.

"I’m honored to begin writing alongside my mom because she doesn’t use empty words. She lives the way she writes and has blessed my life by her commitment to do so. In some ways, it feels a bit like I’m planning to compare notes with the teacher, but our goal as we bounce ideas back and forth is to create a cohesive whole that will resonate across multiple generations. We pray it will bless you."

As long as there is breath in me I will be her mother - ready to provide counsel and advice as I am invited to share it.

But I must be invited.

I don’t necessarily agree with that.

Some things are too important for a parent to stay silent about when an adult child is about to make a major mistake.

Unsolicited advice should be rare but not totally absent.

Being a matriarch or patriarch is something that has fallen out of favor in our society and I think the society is worse off because of that fact.

I have never bought the friend thing, and when folks bring it up, I know they’re fricken clueless when it comes to the proper role of parent vs child.

I don’t care if you’re 65 and your kid is 40, you will have life experience they don’t. And then there’s also the fact that looking at things from the outside can provide clarity that you don’t have being the 40 year old son or daughter.

Should you demand the son or daughter do as you say? Of course not. You still need to keep the proper relationship front and center.

If you’re not their parent, who will be? Even adults need parents.

PARENT!

I didn't know how cool my mother was/is until I turned 25.

Jesus Christ: You can’t impeach Him and He ain’t going to resign.

I agree with you to an extent. I’m currently parent/guardian/disciplinarian transitioning to parent/friend/advisor. When children are on their own, sometimes the best thing is to allow them to make mistakes. It’s usually the quickest way to learn.

It’s different for boy than girls when they grow up and are on their own. Sons “break away”...as it should be. Daughters somehow remain daughters.

It’s different for boy than girls when they grow up and are on their own. Sons “break away”...as it should be.

I think that is generally true once a son is married not so much before.

Yes, for some things you let them learn like that. When you’re watching them get ready to marry someone who is clearly going to screw them over, you do your best to open their eyes. Even then you can’t force anything on them, but at least you’ll know you tried. So will they when the S hits the fan.

When I was about to marry Mr. wrong, I laughed it off like a young idiot will. No one could tell me anything.

But you are right; you have to at least try.

Parenting is like water dripping on a rock. I love this analogy (and didn’t think of it myself): water drips on the rock and doesn’t seem to be having any influence at all. But over the years, you can see that the trickle of water has help to shape that rock. Keep dripping on that rock. Keep talking and parenting. Who knows what shaping is taking place?

I agree with you. The “deal” I have with my mother is that she can offer all the advice she wants, and I will either act on it, or not. If I think she’s been excessively intrusive, I’ll either decide to ignore it, or I’ll say, “I don’t think that was appropriate,” as politely as possible.

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