Posted on 06/21/2011 6:21:08 AM PDT by Kaslin
Dear Dave,
My husband and I have been married less than a year, and already we’re having huge disagreements over money. He’s got a big heart, but often he’ll just give money to friends and family. Sometimes, this leaves us short when it comes to monthly bills, paying off debt, and saving anything. I guess he thinks we’ll get by somehow, but it scares me. What can I do?
Summer
Dear Summer,
It sounds like he does have a big heart, and I’m sure that’s one of the reasons you love him. But this kind of behavior is completely irresponsible. What’s worse, it’s driving you crazy. At this point, you have every right to be scared and frustrated, because the message he’s sending you is he wants to take care of everyone else before he takes care of you and your family. That’s not a good idea.
Broke people can’t help broke people, meaning only the strong can help the weak. At this point, you guys should be working together to get your own financial house in order. I’m talking about becoming debt-free, with a fully loaded emergency fund of three to six months’ worth of expenses in place, and something set aside for your golden years. Then, once all that has been taken care of, if you have a friend or family member in financial need, you can gift them $300 or whatever you guys agree is an appropriate amount.
I’m a big giver, both at my business and in my personal life. But I’ve learned that my first gifts should go to my wife and family. After I’ve taken care of my own, then comes giving outside of the household. You guys need to take care of yourselves right now. Kill off the debt and build up some wealth so that your husband’s heart can function in that gift!
—Dave
Dear Dave,
My husband and I are both spenders. We want to get on a plan and handle our money better, but is there anything that will help us learn to give up stuff now so that we’ll have more in the future?
Beth
Dear Beth,
I know what you’re talking about. Old habits are really hard to break, especially when they’re fun old habits. Even when you wake up and feel the pain and realize you shouldn’t have done something, it’s easy to slip right back into the same old stuff, isn’t it?
The only way I’ve ever been able to achieve anything like that is to find something specific I want bad enough out there in the future to give up something in the present. You may have heard me say, “Live like no one else, so that later you can live like no one else.” Well, this is more a case of you have to want to live like no one else later, so that today you’ll live like no one else.
I saw a bumper sticker once that read “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.” I’ve got to agree with the idea behind that. No discipline is pleasant, but it’s the pain of changing something in your life that eventually leads to a positive result.
Think about it this way. A great definition of maturity is learning to delay pleasure. Ouch!
Cut off the money. Lock down the credit. She can still get a credit card but it will be hard.
But I’m with her. Why should she work when you will pay her to stay home? Duh! Smart girl.
I majored in Accounting and I make her do it. I know what to do. I just smart enough to know that I won’t do it.
My late SIL worked for one of those payday lending places - she claimed they provided a great service!!
“I don’t give anyone money except my kids.”
Why would you give any to your kids?
Make them earn their own.
Little do they know that I am taking it from their accounts.
Someone has to pay for college. It may as well be me.
Ha!
You know, the budget and avoiding debt thing was very easy for me because I have always been a natural born tightwad.
Yep, that's why I don't loan money, except as considering it a gift I don't expect to see again. It saves stress all around. If they aren't close enough that I would want to gift it to them, they don't get it. For them to be asking in the first place means that no bank thinks them even remotely creditworthy at any rate of interest.
But I’m with her. Why should she work when you will pay her to stay home? Duh! Smart girl.
Yup...as I said....I've truly created a monster.
Bwaha! It is hard to disagree with 90% of what he advocates. The other 10% is usually pretty good advice too.
If the service is to take money from stupid people, they are very effective at it.
Payday lenders feed on people who can’t organize their life. That’s how they got behind on the light bill because they had to get the car fixed. They are watching TV instead of working an extra job so they can have $1,000 in a savings account for emergencies. My son is 15 and gets paid $7 an hour to bag groceries. 10% unemployment and my 15 year-old can get a job.
I would say something but we are in the same boat during the summer. Preschool teacher with summers off. At least when she started the budget, she said “Damn I need to get a job”. But I came into the marriage with NOTHING and made my first million @ 45 before Obama and his bankers kicked the legs out. There I was thinking millionaires ate caviar instead of day old egg salad. The smartest thing I ever did was marry my wife
What blows my mind is how often they'll pay the cable bill so that oversized screen always has something to show, but not pay the utility bill so they have power to turn it on! And how many people who receive assistance have cable, and other high $ services. We both work and I've never felt that cable or satellite was a good use of our money, much less our time!
Exactly. Almost all money problems are due to vanity issues. My cell phone bill is horrendous and I don’t even have data. I need to go back to a Tracfone for $100 a year.
When we sat down and figured out a budget, we discovered that our income will almost double when I retire. It’s due to the DINK times and my government pension. But because our income is lower working for the government, we have no money now. Sheesh.
Yes, usually one is better than the other. I am good with money, but my husband is far superior in his knowledge and analytical skills, and he does not mind doing it. Beyond fine with me for him to handle the financial duties.
In the case of my hapless sister and her husband, both are smart and either one would probably do the job, but I think it is a communication and power issue.
That is great that your son and his wife worked out their situation. One of my sons lets his wife handle all of the money issues. She does okay, and I am pretty sure they don’t have any credit card debt. IMO, she wastes an awful lot of money on dumb stuff, but it’s none of my business, so I keep my mouth shut.
So sorry to hear that. Does she take care of the house?
Prayers up for you.
“whatever spouse is more disciplined with the finances... should be the one who deals with the family budget. Just a thought.”
My wife and DIL are great shoppers but terrible money planners.
My son and I are good money planners/managers and investors and terrible shoppers because we don’t like to shop. He is even worse than I am.
So in our families, the guys plan/manage and invest the money. The gals find the bargins and do most of the regular daily/weekly/monthly shopping.
My DIL and I are the deal makers, and our son and my wife are worthless when it comes to making deals on bigger items.
So she and I make the deals on our vehicles, trucks, remodel jobs and other big ticket items.
This basic adult team work. You put the egos aside and let the one with the best skills do the job with backing if needed.
“She must be a real looker for him not to bring up the subject of finances”.
I thought that this type of information should have been discussed before “what color should the bridesmaid dresses be”. On my younger brother’s part, I think he made a silly assumption. His bride to be seemed frugal with spending money and that got him to believe that she was financially okay. Silly young people!!
“We make major decisions together”.
My husband and I do that as well. To be honest, he is actually better at that than me. He actually called me once when he was in Home Depot to discuss if purchasing a new wet/dry vac was a good idea. (the old one was broken and I believe there was a sale on the new one). I don’t really see that as a major decision but he still felt it should be decided upon by both of us. Needless to say, we have a new wet/dry vac.
“... it’s none of my business, so I keep my mouth shut”.
I had to laugh when I read that. As a “new” married couple, they dealt financially with her parents (mine are deceased). Now, usually people think that the father-in-law is more mature with money and wise about financial advice, right? Not in this case. The FIL told them they should buy a new car and actually questioned why some of their furniture was nice hand me downs. They both learned to ignore his promptings especially since HE wasn’t the one paying for it. LOL!
There’s more than one reason a person will be frugal with spending money. The common one today is that they are broke.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.