The Elusive Altar (Marriage and Socil Class)By David Brooks

...For voluminous research shows that further down the social scale there are millions of people who long to marry, but who are trapped just beyond the outskirts of matrimony. They have partners. They move in together. Often they have children....

The research shows that far from rejecting traditional marriage, many people down the social scale revere it too highly. They put it on a pedestal, or as Andrew Cherlin of Johns Hopkins puts it, they regard marriage not as the foundation of adult life, but as the capstone.

They don’t want to marry until they are financially secure and emotionally mature...until they are absolutely sure they can trust the person they are with.

Having seen the wreckage of divorce, they are risk averse, but this risk aversion keeps them trapped in a no man’s land between solitude and marriage. Often they slide into parenthood even though they consider themselves not ready for marriage. The Fragile Families study shows that nearly 90 percent of the people who are living together when their child is born plan to get married someday. But the vast majority never will.

Among those who are well educated and who are rewarded by the information-age economy, the invisible river reinforces the assumption that childbearing is more arduous and more elevated than marriage. One graduates from marriage to childbearing.

But among those who are less educated and less rewarded, there is an invisible river that encourages the anomalous idea that marriage is more arduous and more elevated than childbearing. One graduates from childbearing to matrimony.

The people in the first river are seeing their divorce rates drop and their children ever better prepared to compete. Only 10 percent of students at an elite college like Cornell are from divorced families....

Here we go again. There are going to be 2000 posts, most of which will consist of some Freepers writing, "Every problem in America is due to the fact that American women are all bitches!" and other Freepers writing back, "No we're not!"

Well, as a female Freeper myself, I'd like to give this testimonial:

"Of all the canned peaches, I like the ones in heavy syrup the best. They're just good."

"They don’t want to marry until they are financially secure and emotionally mature...until they are absolutely sure they can trust the person they are with.
If one is "emotionally immature and does not trust the person that they are" sexually intimate with, they have not business "shacking up with them either."
All of this hogwash about financially not ready to take the plunge, simply is a cop out to commitment.
Face the facts that people today are self absorbed, only interested in getting their own needs satisfied, therefore not ready at all to commit to anyone else.

Living together really means that they are "auditioning" someone for the job of making them "happy" each and every day - no one can live up to that!

I don't blame America's problems on women... not women of this decade, anyway.

I recently dated a woman in her early 30's, divorced once then widowed. She had a darling little boy. I noticed as our relationship moved along that more and more I wanted to be part of her life, the less she wanted me to be a part of it. After the breakup, she was irritated that people knew we were dating in the first place. And now she'll communicate with me, but her comments are so vacuous as to leave me wondering what she wants.

She claims that she doesn't need a man in her life. She doesn't need a man to raise her son. She doesn't need a man to help her around the house or make her happy. Granted, she's intimately involved with her church, and her family helps her get along when she needs it. I am, however, left by the wayside, akin to the men involved with many of her family members (mother and sister, to be exact), and I started to see that they're the strong woman brand of family. So why look for a man at all if he's not needed?

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with strong women. I was raised by a strong woman (sans a father), and women are always standing right behind the male figureheads in our family (mostly Sicilian) as the "enforcers." I feel I've been pigeonholed into that mentality, and when I try to break out of it, I'm constantly disappointed by the outcomes.

Nonetheless, it seems that the "women's suffrage" age in the early/mid 1900's led to extremely independent, non-male-needing women of today. I don't begrudge that, but if the mentality that men aren't needed continues to propagate, and more women like Pelosi are "breaking the marble ceiling," then honestly guys, why should we try?

I'm enjoying the advantages of bachelorhood. As a monogamous male, I find that I'm not getting any sexual satisfaction out of it, but I have money, I'm independent, and I'm generally happy. And if I have to fight to make a woman like me, doesn't that defeat the purpose of marriage to begin with? My parents divorced when I was 6, I see how screwed up I became. Why would I want to bring kids into the world with a woman just because she's attractive? I'd like a companion, not just a mate. Traditional marriage is dead, IMHO.

*dons flameproof suit*

I don't blame you, except that maybe you are unknowingly attracted to women who are "damaged goods" in one way or another. Maybe you need to look for younger, or at least less jaded, mates? Divorced then widowed is a pretty tough break, she probably feared you'd have been wrenched from her suddenly some day. Oh well, don't give up!

The day will come when all these "strong women" will wake up (some day in their 40's or 50's) to what they've been missing out on for so long. Who wants to go through old age alone, with no shared memories to sustain you? Anyway, don't let that happen to you, either! ;)

I think the fact that people are thinking twice about getting married is actually a good thing. There are too many married couples today who don't honor their vows, cheat on each other, and while they're legally married sure don't act like it. I'm glad I waited a long time before choosing marriage because I married a guy who understands the word integrity. I can't imagine being married to a worthless thug who doesn't honor his vows to me that's a bigger problem in society than those who choose to remain single.

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