Shallow Men And The Women Who Suffer (The Male Lust For The Supermodel Perfect Mate Alert)

Jerusalem Post ^ | Rabbi Shmueley Boteach

[goldstategop]

The miracle of Purim owes much to a superficial, womanizing male who set about dating as many women as possible to find the one that was the most beautiful. Ahasuerus is like so many shallow men today who reduce women to nothing but a slim figure and a pretty face. But in the end, the story of Esther makes it clear that the secretly Jewish queen was chosen not for her looks, but because she "found grace and favor" in the eyes of all who beheld her. There was a womanly dignity, a sublime feminine majesty, to Esther that the rest of the harem lacked. They were empty suits, packaging only, without substance or personality. They were the kind of women who attract attention with low-cut blouses rather than high intelligence, short skirts rather than a lofty spirit. But Esther is a woman possessed both of outer and inner beauty, a heroine who exhibits uncommon wisdom, courage and dedication to the helpless. In short, she is a woman of outstanding character and her story is that of the triumph not only of the Jews over their enemies, but also of a woman's ability to win over a man with her brains rather than her bust.

How tragic, therefore, that Jewish men today have adopted the dating mores of Ahasuerus. And I'm not just talking about secular Jewish men whom we might expect to have adopted less lofty criteria in their choice of a mate. Rather, I am speaking especially of Orthodox Jewish men who have become so obsessed with the three modern virtues of a real woman - large chest, long legs, slim figure - that heart, mind, even the sparkle of her eyes, count for almost nothing.

I once served as matchmaker-in-chief for JDate. But I now find matchmaking nauseating thanks to the dispiriting superficiality of today's Jewish men. I now know that the countless men who tell me how desperate they are to find a really nice girl are lying through their teeth because what they really mean is a woman who looks like a model. At my weekly Sabbath table, where I host many singles, I watch as the men immediately dismiss even the most interesting women with the warmest hearts if they lack a bombshell body.

If she's short, she's out, and if she's overweight, well, that's the kiss of death. I'll set up men with women who I know to be attractive and charming, only to have the guy call me back the next day and complain of a lack of chemistry, by which he always means, "She wasn't pretty enough." The poor woman never had a chance. Before she opened her mouth, her body did her in.

BUT WHY would we expect anything different? Superficial people seek superficial qualities, and men today are about as deep as a crack in the sidewalk. They have been given one criterion for success, money, and they use that money as a commodity to purchase a woman's chief commodity, her physical beauty. Today's religious men are trained to appreciate little else.

I know a 20-year-old Jewish girl who developed a dangerous eating disorder because her very religious parents told her that unless she lost weight the type of yeshiva student they wanted her to marry would not take her out.

But weren't Jewish men, especially Orthodox ones, supposed to be different? The nation that gave the world's Solomon's Ode to a Woman of Valor, where a woman's God-fearing qualities are what make her beautiful, have betrayed that ideal utterly. If you are a woman in the Jewish singles scene who isn't stunningly attractive, you're going to wait a long time to get married. And once you're married, you better keep your looks up, because the women who are going to be praying with you in the ladies' section spend five hours in the gym for every hour they spend in the synagogue. They're not fools. They know that their husbands are trained to appreciate muscle tone rather than piety. And don't have more than two children, even though we need as many Jewish babies as possible, because kids will make your figure go to hell and your breasts droop almost as far.

NEVER believed that I would witness a time when even marriage-minded, Orthodox men would become womanizers, giving themselves the latitude to date as many women as possible so that they can find "the best." In yeshiva I was taught one did not date a woman the way one shopped for a car. Rather, you focused on one woman completely and tried to develop a soulful connection with her without worrying about what else might be out there.

Recently, I had a young rabbinical student of marriageable age at my home. He told me he had already dated 40 girls and had not found what he was looking for. I was stunned. "Forty nice, religious girls, and not one of them was good enough for you?"

But anyone familiar with the increasingly toxic shidduch system among the ultra-Orthodox knows that what many young men are looking for is anathema to Jewish values, namely, looks, money and pedigree. Find all three and you have hit the jackpot. Find only one, or even two, and you have "to settle."

Now, no doubt, in the secular world marrying money and marrying into an important family are also important. But when religious Jews marry for materialistic and ego-driven values, they degrade a glorious spiritual tradition.

It is high time that rabbis started giving sermons from the pulpit exhorting single men in the congregation to be gentlemen and reward women for developing the traits that Judaism truly values like compassion, wisdom and goodness. While physical attraction is always important in marriage - both for men and for women - Jewish leaders must begin inspiring future husbands to judge their wives' attractiveness by considerations beyond flesh alone. For if we fail, we'll continue seeing Jewish women feeling permanently insecure about their "imperfect bodies" rather than taking pride in their generous spirits.

[durasell]

Beautiful women learn a couple of tricks to make themselves non-offensive to other women. One of those tricks is playing dumb and letting the plain janes be the center of attention at social gatherings.

Couple years ago I was at some shindig where there was a beautiful actress. I kind slithered my way over there to check her out. She was hanging back, not saying a word. Not offering anything. About two months later I discovered she went to Oxford for a couple years and actually studied the topic under discussion...

[chief_bigfoot]

"Women. are. like. cars? This does not speak well for you, my child. If you wanted to say that cars are like women, there might be some poetic license that could support it, but this? No. This is all wrong!"

Ok, let me get this straight, I can't say women are like cars, but if I said cars are like women it's hunky dory? I can't say A is like B, but I can say B is like A. Gimme a minute while I decode that one.

I apologize for my lack of poetic license. Money is tight and it was a choice between the poetry license and a fishing license. I just happen to like fishing a lot more than that there poetry stuff.

I still stand by my origianl disclaimer "It's a guy thing. It's how we view things and I'm not going to apologize for thousands of years of genetic refinement."

I bet you were a Porsche back in the day, eh?

[Caipirabob]

We've been blessed. I saw her through a traumatic spinal injury a while ago. Four herniated disks and a spinal fusion. My first sign of trouble was when she complained. She never complains so I knew it was bad. She's living a normal life now, although she has activity restriction and such. We built a jacuzzi tub for therapy and have special beds and stuff, works for me, too. OTOH when you go through something like that together...well, we know how fortunate we are. Can't take anything for granted.

[Gondring]

That is quite possibly the funniest quote I have read in a decade.

LOL...that's why I have remembered it for about a decade.

I love your tagline, too.

[beyond the sea]

I only mention her weight to those who think and say that she is beautiful. That's just laughable.

[durasell]

Guys who just look at the headlights tend to be a specific type of guy...

[beyond the sea]

Yes......... in this case.

[Gondring]

To me, grey with an e is more a coolish grey, and gray with an a is a warmer gray.

Wow! I thought I was the only one who felt that implication...though I also feel that grey seems "richer" than gray--which seems lighter and thinner somehow. I wonder how these feelings became attached to these spellings. Is it because of feelings toward the English (who use the grey spelling) versus Americans (gray is the American English spelling)? (Note that in HTML, only "lightgrey" is spelled with the "e"...because it's inherited from the older, X11 list....which had similar inconsistency in spelling [e.g., "LightSlateGray"].)

There is a shade of gray/grey that I have encountered only thrice...in some fossilized coral from Florida, in a girlfriend's eyes, and in the clouds of a storm. When I saw that storm, 13 years after last seeing that lady, I wrote a poem about it...and I have questioned ever since if it were some other quality than the shade of gray/grey that I saw. It had depth, warmth, softness... I wonder if I will ever see it again (never have found similar coral samples), but I hope I do. No color chits from a paint store ever bore that "hue," though I have looked, in case it were really a blueish-gray/grey or something.

And that's why I ponder the terminology so.

"...a philosopher's curiosity with aestheic appreciation...such is a geologist, for geology is neither science nor art alone.  --Thomas Eleri

[Smartass]

LOL, OK...

[Gondring]

(The definition of a 'Targeted Tax Cut' is ........................ you ain't gettin' it)

• Targeted Tax Cut
• Tax Credit
• Tax Deduction

All mean: "You'll be fined if you don't do what the government wants."

[beyond the sea]

LOL, you're going to get in trouble like I did!!

Yes, apparently the skinny stuff gets some folks wired. Tough..... she's skinny.

I would never ever mention it if there weren't this irrational drumbeat on here that she is beautiful. That's a laugh. Looking at her legs and arms is a serious turnoff.

If anyone wants to see beautiful female bodies look at Olympic divers and figure skaters. Now that's beautiful.

But then again, they probably can't write like Annie.

****

Yeh.... I'll fill you in on the plants.

;-)

[little jeremiah]

Grey has always seemed to me a grey with a bit of blue, like dark rain clouds. To me, it's soothing, cool, and refreshing. Warm gray is gray with a bit of pink added, or yellow. Not so you can visibly see the pink or yellow, maybe a tiny bit of beige added. An irritating warm gray, which always puts me at odds.

Colors are interesting and definitely affect emotions and states of mind.

For istance, orange in sunset clouds or flowers I like fine; orange clothes or in signs - Ouch!

[HitmanLV]

Not uncommon at all. I just give 'em a chance, that's all. Then I make a judgement.

[beyond the sea]

Guys who just look at the headlights tend to be a specific type of guy...

Yes....... silly, or, they just miss their mother.

;-)

[durasell]

I always try to "punch my weight." Saves a lot of lost time and heartbreak. Except in SF, then all rules are off.

[little jeremiah]

I was hoping someone would quote some of those.

[durasell]

...or they live completely in their own heads.

[Gondring]

Grey has always seemed to me a grey with a bit of blue, like dark rain clouds. To me, it's soothing, cool, and refreshing. Warm gray is gray with a bit of pink added, or yellow. Not so you can visibly see the pink or yellow, maybe a tiny bit of beige added. An irritating warm gray, which always puts me at odds.

Why do we think this, though? What made us associate the English spelling with bluish, and the American spelling with pinkish or lighter? Is it because old grey had blue in it, and we associated it with older, English (Old World) things, while modern things are lighter and brighter (more "American")?

[beyond the sea]

About two months later I discovered she went to Oxford for a couple years and actually studied the topic under discussion...

Here's hoping she didn't study it with Clinton.

[durasell]

doubtful. too young.