Posted on 10/24/2004 7:52:03 AM PDT by nuconvert
In defense of a man's-eye view
BY DAVE BARRY
Oh, swell: We have yet another survey showing that men, when compared to women, are scum. Just once, I'd like to see some survey asking questions that would highlight areas where men are more likely to be superior, such as:
1. If it was an emergency, could you open a beer bottle with your teeth?
2. How many hours per week, total, do you spend fretting about your thighs?
3. Do you have the emotional stability to make a meaningful lifelong commitment, through good times and bad, to a set of underwear?
4. Do you know the joke whose punch line is: ``But first, roo roo!''?
5. If another person is not saying anything, and you're wondering if this might be because something is bothering that person, and you ask that person what that person is thinking, and that person says ''Nothing,'' do you accept this perfectly reasonable answer, or do you proceed to NAG THE PERSON HALF TO DEATH?
But do we see these questions on surveys? We do not. Instead we see questions like the ones asked in a recent survey by the U.S. Department of Labor. Having apparently run completely out of useful things to do, the department asked 21,000 Americans how they spend their time when they're not working.
It turned out that women spend twice as much time as men on household chores and child care, while men spend more time on leisure. On the surface, this looks bad. But surface looks are often deceiving. A good example is the iceberg, which appears to be a big hunk of ice, but if you look beneath the surface, you find that it is ... OK, it is actually a big hunk of ice. So we see that this is in fact not a good example, and we should just move on.
But my point is that this survey is very misleading. Take the concept of ''housework.'' It may be true that women spend more TIME on it, but what, really, are they accomplishing? In my own home, my wife spends a lot of time picking up our 4-year-old daughter's doll clothes and laboriously putting them back on the various naked Barbies, the naked Snow White, the naked Ariel the mermaid, and the incredibly lucky naked Ken.
When my wife does this, she is clearly working, but she is not what a man would call ''working smart.'' A man knows from harsh real-world experience that all of these dolls will soon be naked again, and so he makes a conscious decision to leave the dressing of the dolls, and the cleaning of his daughter's room in general, until a more sensible and productive time, such as when his daughter enters college. But does this man get any slack from the so-called ''Department of Labor?'' He does not.
And let's talk about child care vs. leisure. For women, these are two separate activities, but men have perfected a productivity-enhancing technique called ''multitasking.'' Say a man is supposed to watch a child, but he also wants to watch a football game. Thanks to ''multitasking,'' this man can keep one eye on the football game, while at the same time keeping the other eye also on the football game. But in some remote sector of his brain he is vaguely aware that there is a child around somewhere, and if he hears anything suspicious, such as sirens or an explosion, he will respond immediately, unless it is a crucial third-down situation.
Speaking of which: I was once at a Thanksgiving gathering where there was a backyard touch-football game involving all the guys except one -- I will call him ''Fred'' -- who was watching us while holding his infant daughter. My team was short one player, and we were in a crucial third-down situation, so we looked over at ''Fred'' -- an excellent receiver -- and, after making us swear we would never tell his wife, he very carefully set his daughter down on the lawn and joined the game for a single play, which resulted in Joel -- excuse me, I mean ''Fred'' -- scoring a touchdown. This never would have happened if we had allowed ourselves to be shackled by the rigid, inflexible definitions of ''leisure'' and ''child care'' that have for so long enslaved women and the so-called ``Department of Labor.''
Am I saying men are perfect? I am not. There are certainly areas of domestic life where men could show more sensitivity toward, and awareness of, the imbalance between them and women, and I intend to address these areas in detail. But first: Roo roo!
Barry Pong
if woman believe this then there is nothing you can do to change their minds.
Uh oh.
It's based on too broad of a charicature, but still made me laugh. I wish I could see a less cartoonish humorous essay along the same vein.
Dan
Is the government saying there are differences in man and women..WOW! Who knew!
At the moment I am seriously thinking about washing the dishes AND posting to this thread. I am also coiled and ready to spring up and let the cat out if he should wake up from his morning nap. Multi-tasking. It's effective!
Has he seen Ken naked? A declothed Ken makes me wince compassionately for Mr. Bobbit.
Now, now, this may just be a stereotype. For instance, I -- a red-blooded American female -- am currently looking at my dusty endtables and my rugs which really need a good steamcleaning. I fully intend, however, to spend my entire Sunday reading Free Republic. I am still completely feminine, though, because I intend to feel very guilty the whole time.
When he first started writing he used to make fun of liberals. Now he is more apolitical, but you can still see the conservatism in some of his writing (such as making fun of the department of labor and other gov agencies).
My wife was walking out the door on her way to the grocery store as I read this line, and burst out laughing, so I had to explain the premise and read what made me laugh- whereupon, she almost choked on a sip of cofee.
There is kernel of truth in all good humor- this one has not just a kernel, but the whole plant!
Dave Barry bump..always a fun read
Then I'll just quote the part you apparently missed, with a little emphasis:
"I wish I could see a less cartoonish humorous essay along the same vein."
Hope that helps.
Dan
bttt
Bump
OK, I'll confess, I had to do a Google search on "But first Roo roo"
Gee,I wish I had a piano to not dust!
I'm AFRAID to do a google search on "but first, roo roo roo!"
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