Above: Presidential candidate John Kerry unveils his new plan to make America more respected abroad.
Posted on 08/03/2004 9:35:07 AM PDT by flashbunny
Kerry promises a more awkward, dorky America.
At his most recent campaign stop, Democratic presidential nominee John F. Kerry promised to make America better liked abroad by changing its image from a confident, secure nation to one of awkward dorkiness.
"For far too long potential allies and enemies have been intimidated by our strong military and put off by our national pride", Kerry said. "Yes, our nation has become the most prosperous on the planet. Yes, our military has saved the free world on many occasions. But do we have to be so proud of those things?"
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Above: Presidential candidate John Kerry unveils his new plan to make America more respected abroad. |
"To counter our worldwide image of national pride and strong action, America needs to become less decisive and more nuanced. Instead of reacting to threats with strength and resolve, we must respond with bungling and avoidance. And America needs a president who can lead it into this new age of dorkiness by example."
Providing justification for his new plan, Kerry cited the long French love affair with comedian Jerry Lewis. Lewis, who gained fame via Hollywood movies by playing bumbling, inept, and often spastic characters, is one of the most respected Americans in France. By altering America's foreign policy and national image to be more like Jerry Lewis characters, Kerry said he believes the United States can gain similar respect and admiration from the French people.
To allay fears of Americans who may not wish their nation to become more dorky, Kerry promised to institute a 'national sense of aloofness' to help Americans feel better about their country. This aloofness will be based on the French model of false superiority, whereby doing nothing while criticizing countries that take action substitutes for actual achievements.
Attendees at the rally appeared to accept the new proposal as an important step in regaining respect lost under four years of strong, unwavering leadership under President Bush.
Mark Haldeberg, a 27 year old undergrad at Ohio State, who was sporting a "Bush is the real terrorist" T-shirt, said the the Kerry 'Dorky America' plan made sense.
"Right now, the U.S. under Bush is like the big man on campus. You know, like, the jock who gets all the girls. And the rest of the world is like guys like me that hate the jock. But if the jock became all clumsy and uncoordinated, and was made fun of by everybody, then guys like me would get the girls instead. And then maybe I wouldn't resent him so much."
Others couldn't articulate why they liked the Kerry plan, but said it was better than whatever plan the President was offering.
"I really don't care what Kerry says he's going to do." said Deb McGruder, a high school guidance counselor from Mill Falls, Ohio. "The only thing that matters to me is that he's not George W. Bush."
When questioned by reporters on the new Kerry plan, President Bush asserted that changing national policy in hopes of becoming better liked by France and similar countries will not help the United States or the world.
"History has shown us time and time again that peace is achieved not by weakness, but by strength. And our strong sense of national pride and belief in our way of life has made America the greatest nation on earth."
Accepting that some voters may respond to the Kerry call for a more doufus-like America, Bush all but ceded that portion of the vote to Kerry. "If for some reason people believe they need a leader to help America become more dorky and less feared by our enemies, then I guess I'd tell them John Kerry is best man for the job."
© 2004 Flashbunny.org News Wire
Isn't that the Viet Nam veteran guy?
Well, I should hope we intimidate them.
If ya got it, flaunt it.
We aren't campaining for the Ms. Congieniality award. We're surviving in a tough world.
LOL! Hilarious! The scary thing is with Kerry, this could pass as a legitimate news story!
Ahem!
What a riot! I had to get to the third paragraph before I caught on. This guy is good...or is it that Kerry is just so bad?
I don't care how well liked we are abroad...I care how SAFE we are HERE!
Yea, that's him: Instead of "wearing his religion on his sleeve," he wears his PURPLE HEARTS on his sleeve!
Kerry is "the Dorkster".
Kerry is "the Dorkster".
Kerry is "the Dorkster".
I think it's plausible because when most people see john kerry in action, they think "what a dork!"
With any luck, john kerry will forever be associated with the word 'dork'.
I am thinking of asking JimRob for a "Dork" Forum.
LOL!!!!!!
Dare ya!
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